Wrestling is full of characters that have not only stood the test of time, but broke through into mainstream culture. But for every Hulk Hogan and Macho Man there are characters that are best left forgotten.
3 Count
1999 was not a good time for WCW. The promotion was already on its last legs after losing the Monday Night Wars and the subsequent joke that was the finger poke of doom. But this didn’t stop WCW writers trying to capitalize on the Boy Band trend that was itself slowing dying out. This is where “3 Count” comes into the sad, sad picture.
Helmed by a newly signed Shane Helms, the future Hurricane was forced to team with Shannon Moore (seen here) and their manager/enforcer Tank Abbott. The team managed to last a year, but since this was WCW nobody, including corporate, was really watching anyways.
The Goon
Before the rise of the Attitude Era of the WWE, there was a time where creative was on so much cocaine that every idea was a good idea. Take The Goon; yes, The Goon… The character was a rough and tough Hockey player that was kicked out of EVERY league because of how tough he was.
WWE must have really thought they had something as they even cut multiple promos for Mr. Goon. He was so tough that he won all his matches via count-out with his very gentle”Crosscheck” finisher. The character was gone almost as quickly as he came, because it was silly even for then WWF standards.
Phantasio
Phantasio is what you get when you cross David Copperfield and a handful of wet noodles. How a guy whose claim to fame was stealing the underwear right off his opponents never took off is beyond me. The character only had one television appearance in which the crowd was nearly silent as they looked on with confused faces. Phantasio was a lame gimmick, even when compared to someone like The Goon. The real magic is the disappearing act he pulled after being on air once.
Battle Kat
Battle Kat (No, not that one) was a thing that happened and was considered a joke as soon as he/it entered the ring. Gorrila Mosoon and Bobby Heenan spent the majority of his debut match making fun of the guy and shilling Hulk Hogan vitamins. Probably not the best way to get over with the crowd when even the on-air announce team no-sells you.
The Yeti
Before WCW would rule the roost that was Monday Night wrestling they would also have their fare share of idiotic characters. Take for instance The Yeti. Aside from his debut promos that saw some creepy guy yell at the TV for 5 minutes about… something magical, what we got wasn’t even a Yeti. Instead we got a damn Mummy. How on earth did they miss something so obvious?
The Yeti was the sort of joke character that other joke characters get together to make fun off. Bundled together from toilet paper from whatever arena they were in, The Yeti had terrible written all over him. Once WCW figured out that he didn’t look like a Yeti they changed his look by giving him a mask and making him a ninja. Yes, a god damn ninja.
Kerwin White
We move into more modern WWE days with the slightly racist, completely stupid gimmick character that was Kerwin White. Chavo Guerrero Jr. would don his best white persona and demean Hispanics by calling them unemployed or only capable of working at Taco Bell. He looked to promote “white values” and relied on his oh so lovely catchphrase: “If it’s not White, it’s not right.”
It was a terrible gimmick that thankfully didn’t last long. The only memorable note was that White had Nick Nemeth serve as his personal caddy for a time to help him win matches. Nemeth is better know today as Dolph Ziggler. The future champion really paid his dues during his early days with the company.
Glacier
Kids love that Mortal Komabt video game so why not take advantage of that and create our very own Sub-Zero knockoff. His outfit was such a direct ripoff that its a wonder that Midway never sued the blue off of him. WCW billed him as coming from a family of police officers, but instead to becoming a ninja to avenge their deaths in a wrestling ring, they simply said he choose martial arts over following in their footsteps. Talk about missed opportunities!
Think about the storyline they could have run with Glacier as he trained all his life to defeat Sting for thinking he murdered his family, only to find out it wasn’t Sting, but instead someone else on the roster that was his friend. That would have been pure cheesecake gold. To be fair, as a kid I really liked Glacier, but that’s mostly because I liked Mortal Kombat and wanted to be a ninja. Subzero (Glacier) would go on to feud with Reptile (Mortis) ans then was replaced ala MK3.
Arachnaman
Hey, you know how popular that Spider-Man comic book character is with kids. Why don’t we take that and turn him into a pro wrestler named Arachnaman. But instead of making him easy on the eyes, let’s just stick him in purple tights with yellow trunks and headgear so he looks ridiculous. Even the WCW crowd of 1991 wasn’t having any of this travesty. Even better is listening to J.R. trying to make Arachnaman sound like a legitimate wrestler. At least things would come full circle when the first Spider-Man movie featured Peter Parker wrestling against Macho Man in his prototype Spider-Man disguise.
The KISS Demon
KISS is a band that makes what some people consider music. At one point in time WCW spent a lot of money to have the band perform a song I’ve never heard of on live television. Why all the theatrics and noise? To debut a new wrestler at the end of the performance known only as The Kiss Demon, of course. This 5th beetle was a complete bust and probably cost the company a great deal of money that they didn’t have. Still, KISS fans at least got a pretty fun rock and roll show on Monday Nitro for all of 3 minutes because, you know, wrestling.
The Shockmaster
You had to know this guy would be at the top of the list. A failure so epic that it transcends wrestling and has stuck with us longer than most characters that we actually love. The Shockmaster outfit consisted of a plastic Stromtrooper helmet that was sprayed with glitter, because nothing was more threatening at the time than bedazzled headgear. The man came barreling through a wall, fell on his ass, and stood around like a goof while we waited for his delayed voice-over to come on. Nobody in the segment could keep a straight face and The Shockmaster was laughed out of existence before he even stepped into a ring.
In the words of Davy Boy Smith, “He fell flat on his ass. He fell flat on his fucking ass.”
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