Last nights episode of I Wanna Marry “Harry” made no effort to squash the remaining contestants incessant speculation of whether or not they’re really all vying for Prince Harry’s (or some kind of royals) long-term affection, which basically constitutes 97% of the conversation the women have amongst each other. Well, when they’re not backhandedly insulting each other, vocally deeming who isn’t “Princess Material” with the sort of snotty importance most people who graduate Magna Cum Laude usually use. Too bad they can’t see the lower third that pops up every time Ma-Harry talks to camera. It says: Matt Hicks (NOT PRINCE “HARRY”) – that would clear things up right quick.
Yet, this is not the point of the show. And our ginger haired faker isn’t the only one feeling the pressure to keep the ruse alive. Fox’s solution, besides adding more quotation marks to the title this week? Unleash a PA with a DSLR camera to take clandestine pictures of Kim, who won the Crown Suite last week, and Ma-Harry’s date. Kim’s visible excitement at being the subject of tabloid fodder kind of pokes a hole in her own approach to this romantic, one-on-one date; “ I’m not going to focus on titles or ask questions, I’m going to go with the flow”.
Kim’s tune quickly changes from “girl who likens hot air balloon rides to unicorns” to, “OMG IT’S TOTES HARRY!” the second she returns to the Stockholm Syndrome she calls her temporary home. You gotta hand it to the show, two cheesy stunts and three weeks of only having the subject of guessing who Ma-Harry is and, volia. Consider them ladies essentially convinced.
So, with one obstacle down, we return to part of the original plot of Marry “Harry”, finding love. I mean, I think that’s it.
Ma-Harry selects Jackie, Maggie, and Kelly to accompany him on a rowing date. It is exactly what it sounds like, if you need more clarification, I’ll turn it to 24-year old Kelly. “Oh my gosh ya’ll, it’s just like The Notebook!”. Side Note: Pitch, I Wanna Marry “Ryan Gosling” to Fox ASAP.
Anyway, Ma-Harry complains about having his guard up around the girls and how he’s distressed at the amount of decisions he’s had to make during his tenure as fake Harry. But it seems to be paying off with Kelly, at least, even if she’s not his (obvi blond) type. She professes her crush on him during their time on the boat, then does a terrifying back flip off into the water, an interesting exit. Just when you think things couldn’t get weirder, Ma-Harry throws a pool party.
Pulling some Memento type shit on the ladies, Ma-Harry dresses exactly Prince Harry did when those pictures of his wang made their way around the internet. For all his subterfuge, it just confirms the Tony Bahamas looks doesn’t work on anyone under the age of 75.
Because the theme of aforementioned pool party must be, confused middle school Luau, they kick things off with limbo and then top it off with a twerking lesson from Chelsea.
Ma-Harry singles out Megan and Karina for some sad-looking solo, hot-tubbing. The bubbles aren’t even going, I’m gonna assume for sound purposes. This doesn’t stop Ma-Harry from putting the mack on Megan though, not before creepily telling she has a “naughty smile” and “twinkle in her eye”. He needs to stop letting the Matt-ness of him (also: see reasons he can’t get a date as himself) shine through with these vomit-in-your-mouth-worthy attempts at sounding smooth, and go back to saying not much. I highly doubt the real Prince would condone these shitty meet-cutes lines.
Nevertheless, Ma-Harry switches out Megan for Karina and Megan cannot wait to humble-brag about her “French kiss” with Prince. And if you thought that would sit well with the mansion lush Maggie, you don’t understand why she was cast in the first place. Maggie wants everyone in earshot to know that she’s upset that Megan got a kiss from the guy that SHE likes. Um, isn’t this what happens on ALL competitive dating shows? The word: COMPETITION is like, in there. But don’t worry, Maggie won’t remember this later and will deny it loudly to Chelsea at the dinner table. Cause, classy.
At the end of “Spotted by the ‘Paparazzi,’” it comes down to Carley and Karina. The latter has had practice dating famous-y Euros, so she’s not bothered by the attention that could with possibly dating someone who might be royal. And Carley, I totally forgot was on the show entirely until Ma-Harry made her play DJ at the Pool Party. The interactions between Carley and Ma-Harry was about as sexually charged as eating cottage cheese at 3AM in sweatpants.
So it seemed pretty obvious that Ma-Harry would send “non-stand out” Carley packing and keep Karina locked away in the Crown Suite and that’s exactly how it shook out. Karina officially receiving the keys to the Crown Suite marked her as “Princess Material” competition in Megan’s eyes. Sorry, Rose.
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