If a reality dating show gets pulled from air four episodes in, does anyone care about it’s FairyTale Ending©? Fox yanked I Wanna Marry ‘Harry’ faster than NBC cancels its freshman comedies, making the remaining episodes available to binge watch (not recommended) on Hulu and OnDemand. I was of the naive assumption that it could only get better, especially if they’d had the sense to cobble together some sort of After the Crown Suite special, a la The Bachelor/Bachelorette “After The Rose”.
Nope. Like a bad date that might stalk you later, Fox wanted Marry ‘Harry’ to be done, forgotten.
Fair enough, but I still had a lot of Q’s that only Marry ‘Harry’ had A’s for, so I watched three episodes back-to-back before I started referring to my boyfriend and dogs behavior has “not Princess material” and had to stop. Despite my best efforts, I did learn something in those three hours and the finale I watched at a later date, and it wasn’t true love conquers all.
Marry ‘Harry’ could be considered a comedy of errors, and not in the complimentary way – or even the way Fox probably wanted it to come off. More accurately, the biggest problem on the whole, was an array of missed opportunities; the ‘villain’ appearing too late and not long enough, wayyyyyy too many awkward shots of lingering looks, disguised as ‘romantic’. Many of the episodes suffered from the same complaint I’d had from the beginning, it’s an hour long with only 20 minutes of real ‘action’. And not only that, for a show based on deception and lies, they took it way too seriously and never capitalized off of the shock or comedy of the contestants getting to find out the “Sir” they were courting wasn’t Prince Harry, royal or even Harry Potter.
Only one girl, Princess-in-wait Preschool Teacher Rose, figured the ruse out (in episode 7) and was swiftly eliminated. When she was told his normcore name (Matt Hicks), you could see the light go out in her eyes, but then again, it could’ve been because she was getting sent home, a lot to process. But still! In Rose’s exit interview, she mentioned that the remaining ladies would be heartbroken when they discovered “Prince Harry” was really Matt, regular ginger Brit. You hear that Fox? A fellow contestant of the show wants to see a good old American Lady Freak Out too.
Not like there wasn’t more than enough lady-on-lady in-fighting, but it gets tiresome to watch women tear themselves and each other down for a guy they honestly do not know any better than the real Prince Harry. Who would could’ve guessed though, that a majority of the instigating in the later episodes would be started by self-proclaimed Southern Belle, Kelley.
She might of vowed that going home, “wasn’t an option” for her, but isn’t it always for people like her? If Kelley is remembered for anything, let it be for making the most memorable moment in episode six possible. After she set her sights on destroying well-endowed, main competition (you know, besides the rest of the contestants) Meghan with the best backhanded compliment, take note future The Bachelor hopefuls. “Some people here, with big chests and beautiful hair, aren’t here for the right reasons.”, what strange way throw Meghan under the bus, especially since Kelley took to the habit of referring to her a ‘beast’ for an entire episode.
If you do end up watching any of the episodes that didn’t make it to broadcast, I’d hedge my bets on aforementioned episode six, the confirmation from Kingsley on “Sir” indeed (not in fact) being Prince Harry in episode five was barely registered by anyone, including me. Other than making you think they might of chosen not to say Fact because Fox would be treading libelous waters otherwise. Either way, the ladies of Deerfield were already so high on, “y’all this is for real” and “Princess Such-and-Such has a ring to it, doesn’t it?”, Kingsley could’ve re-confirmed they were on reality show and they’re still be no stopping this Princess train. And, I know Americans aren’t particularly concerned with the inner workings of the British Monarchy but, it’s pretty common knowledge that Kate Middleton married a fucking Prince, with zero help from a reality show, and she’s just a Dutchess. Jesus, no wonder Fox managed to pull the wool over their eyes for eight (debatable) weeks.
Yet, they trudged with competitions within a competitive reality dating show. There’s bootcamp challenge for the women who aren’t Meghan, who wins The Crown Suite at the end of episode five, and if you can mute the sections where Meghan refers to Ma-Harry as “babe”- you’ll be rewarded. Kelley’s Southern Fried Villain really shines in episode six, and I mean that in the best-worst way possible.
She elbows Rose during the boot camp obstacle course, nearly throws up because she’s so effing pissed that Meghan gets a personal fireworks show for her one-on-one date with Ma-Harry; all Kelley got was a depressing “All-American” date at shitty diner that looked like Peach Pit set. And to top it all off, Kelley’s efforts of getting Meghan tossed from the mansion are rewarded! Sadly, she wasn’t able to pull it off again when tried to get Ma-Harry to get rid of Carina in episode eight – “she keeps a picture of her ex in her wallet” “I don’t think its either of our business, what’s in Carina’s wallet”, at least Kelley gets Ma-Harry to say the only sensible thing all season. Kelley makes it to the Final Four, as the the only chick who hasn’t kissed Ma-Harry, all that changes at a blindfolded toga party in episode seven and let me tell you, the ensuing make out session gets G-R-A-P-H-I-C. Kelley takes her walking paper pretty hard in the beginning of episode eight and I’ve still got money on the table for Fox to shoot Kelley’s whole exit interview again, but have Ma-Harry confess his regular-ness to her. I want to see if her “I’d Do Anything To Win Because I’m Here For You…Guy I Hardly Know But Am Already In Love With Cause: Crazy Eyes” can whether the news.
Once you remove Kelley from the antics, what you’re really left with is Ma-Harry continuing to carry out his process of elimination like a real life Doge meme. Wow. Many boobies. Much Consider. Many lies. Very Scare. He finally lands on “I Just Want A Nice Guy” Kim, which you can pretty much predict after she becomes the first, two-time Crown Suite winner at the end of episode six. And I’d suppose the biggest shock of them all isn’t Kim accepting Matt for who he is cause like, it’s not like they have to get married or anything at the end of show. Seriously, she barely knows him well enough to confirm they’ll keep in touch after they wrap that horribly uncomfortable shot of them riding off the property on a tandem bike, Matt in flip-flops 😐
Turns out they get to split half a million dollars and, I’m no linguist expert but, judging by Kim’s parting words, “and because I don’t care that he’s not Prince Harry, we both get $150,000”, I highly doubt we can expect the People magazine cover – LOVE AFTER LIES: THE I WANNA MARRY “HARRY” STORY OF MATT AND KIM (NOT THE INDIE BAND).
Oh well, better luck next time Fox!
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