It was a big year for America’s Next Top Model cycle 21 model-testants and not because Tyra crowned the first-ever male Top Model. Being the resident Top Model experts at GAMbIT, Samir and I picked our top ten favorite moments from cycle 21: bootch tootch.
#10 – Will and Matthew Make Out (“The Guy Who Gets a Beard Weave”)
Samir: This moment would have placed higher on our list had we actually SEEN IT! The fact that it happened at all between two beautiful men, one just coming into his own as an out gay man, and another who self-professes that he’s not gay but “doesn’t believe in labels” and that it was featured and led to some frank discussions about gender roles and sexuality in the house was a big plus. You can always imagine what that magical moment looked like, and the circumstances that produced it.
Margaux: It was the best moment this cycle we never got to actually, physically see with our own two curious eyeballs. If Matthew isn’t confirmed bi-curious after “making out with the prettiest girl in the house”, he’s just asexual. Period. And next time, y’all need to share the wealth because my fanfiction isn’t cutting it.
Samir: Yeah still miffed that with all the making out we did see, and the Kari girl-on-girl kiss, somehow this scene just disappeared from the cutting room floor? I know that footage is out there!
#9 – Silly String Runway = Art? (“The Girl Who’s a Player”)
Samir: Despite the build-up as a runway “unlike anything we’ve ever seen” this dramatically underwhelming concept did happen to lead to some choice moments. The awkwardness of the application of their silly string looks for the runway was hilarious as every guy just stared down at his dick while some PA was spraying it with a can of silly string. And then Adam decided to give us a special gift…
Margaux: A gift I keep trying to forget I ever saw. Adam, the 1500 SAT score genius he is, decided that half naked and covered in silly string was the PERF time to spread eagle his crotch for the crowds disgust/pleasure.
Samir: I’d say it was the gift that kept on giving, but with his other problems, I’m not sure how much that spread-eagle would ever give us.
Margaux: It gives me nothing but heartburn just thinking about it.
#8 – America’s Next Top Witch (“The Boyz R Back”)
Margaux: It takes a certain kind of self-assuredness to stare at a camera dead on and declare, “when I win, call me America’s Next Top Witch”, and not flitch. Or choke back a little puke. But that was the sort of heat we were working with during Romeo’s shortened tenure in the Top Model house.
Samir: I hear he does sexy club show appearances? This bisexual witch was definitely a treasure trove of TV gold. From him introducing himself by handing out his copy of a “Beginner’s Guide” to witchcraft asking modeltestants “Have you read this book?!” to his gift of Sight that enabled him to predict the winner of the whole show, his general disdain for people who look like “personal trainers,” to his Wiccan candlelit rituals in the mansion gazebo to curse the competitors whom he felt threatened by (curses that actually worked!). Worked, that is, until he attempts to bless himself with some birthday magic…
#7 – Romeo’s Spell Backfires – Eliminates Himself by Headbutting Adam (“The Girl Who Start a Fight”)
Margaux: Romeo’s gift of “Sight” must of bailed on his birthday because it should’ve told him that when you weigh 135 lbs and drink hard liquor on an empty stomach, and you repress your anger issues and call them “witch craft”, that you might headbutt the guy in the house whose highest insult you have for him is, “you look like a personal trainer”. It was most unfortunate that Romeo was unable to continue casting spells and asking production for budget to make wooden bells but if you’re violent, you should pack up your candles and kick rocks for sure.
#6 – Tyra Unveils…Tyra! Her Makeup Line (“Finale”)
Samir: Regardless of the vague, imprecise and poorly-defined field of “Beautytainment” we have this new branch of media created by Tyra Banks to thank for her self-titled (naturally) make up line. We knew as soon as we heard about it that it was destined to figure into a future challenge on the show, and even more thankfully, she didn’t make us wait until next cycle to see her do it.
They were something for her modeltestant slaves to promote for her in the finale. Logically, the makeup really only worked for one person, the others just weren’t fierce enough even with magic products like “Lip Model,” the “Sculpt Stick,” “2-minute Ty-Over” and my personal favorite “Smack My Fat Lash,” that I instantly envisioned as a hybrid variation of her famous “Kiss My Fat Ass” declaration on her dearly departed talk show to respond to criticism of her figure in a bathing suit.
Margaux: It was one of the more meta moments of Top Model. Tyra promoting (and congratulating herself) with a makeup line, named after her, where each product is named for an inside joke that’s only with herself. You might be wondering, am I in the Matrix? Yes, you are, in Tyra’s Matrix…tell her her turban looks cute!
Samir: Wait, I think “Beautytainment” is finally starting to make sense to me… You can find all of these available on HSN should you be in the market for a “Light in a Stick” highlighter. One question: I know these products purport to transform you into the superpower version of your inner fierceness, but can one use the “Sculpt Stick” to create six-pack abs on a beer gut? Then you’d really rake in the dough with this latest exercise in self-absorption.
#5 – Adam “Scares” the Monster in the Haunted House/Pose Off Challenge (“The Girl With The Bloodcurdling Scream”)
Margaux: Adam stomping and frat screaming through this darkened, janky “haunted house” got me laughing so hard, I cried. I still don’t fully believe Adam’s part-time job as “one of the top 3% of partiers in the world” is a real thing you should tell people seriously, bless his little boozy heart. But this moment did finally get me to start rooting for him (shameless podcast plug). And the real winners of that strangely themed challenge were the actors in the haunted house and their throughly confused faces when Adam barked at them like he was in a Chappelle Show skit.
#4 – “Water’s No Good For Hangovers” and Other Gems from Adam, The Possible Alcoholic (“The Guy Who Parties Too Hard”)
Samir: Who knew hydrating was bad for getting over a hangover. Though I do recall that Mythbusters tried to solve this and showed that more alcohol was the only way to quickly eradicate the effects of a hangover, but nonetheless, hearing these words from someone who wonders whether they are an alcoholic is a pitiable confirmation that, yes, you may have a problem.
#3 – Ty-Overs “Transform” Kari into White Gollum and Give Denzel an Itchy, Millhouse-as-Abraham-Lincoln “Beard Weave” (“The Guy Who Gets a Beard Weave”)
Margaux: When will Tyra ever learn, BLEACHED EYEBROWS DON’T LOOK GOOD ON ANYONE – STOP TRYING TO MAKE THEM WORK. Poor Kari, it was like reverse Ugly Duckling. In walks this beautiful, doe eyed woman who gets sucked into Ty-Ty’s Ty-Over, entrusting Tyra to make her look more like model, only to come out looking like Andy Serkis in Lord of the Rings: Top Model Massacre.
Samir: Invariably, it seems Ty-Ty Baby tries this look out on at least one girl every cycle (I will never forget the girl with chestnut hair and platinum eyebrows, who got eliminated that very episode). This cycle, just one set of bleached eyebrows wasn’t enough. She needed 1.5 sets of bleached eyebrows, as she gave one to another contestant (Shei)-but just one bleached eyebrow, which did poor Shei no favors in Seoul. I still wonder if Tyra would hunt her down if she made her eyebrows a normal matching color, as she promised to do if Shei changed her two-tone hair.
Margaux: And with new, male playthings to try various looks out on, the opportunities are endless for humiliation in the name of modeling. Last cycle, a man named Phil was given a regular weave, rendering him to strike a resemblance to Jesus. This cycle, Tyra upped the ante by crowning Denzel with a Halloween Spirit rejected “beard weave”, that gave him an unflattering Millhouse feel. I put “beard weave” in quote because it was a “lace front weave” that eventually “gave Denzel a rash” and got him ZERO runway bookings on the LA go-sees.
Samir: Well there was NOTHING to weave that beard into- it was just straight up glued on his face! Of course it gave him a rash. And I never grasped how looking like Milhouse-as-Abraham Lincoln in Springfield Elementary School’s historical President’s Day play was a fashion-forward look. But it was nowhere near as devastating as the White Gollum Ty-Over Kari received. Too bad you sign your life over in these contracts to be on such shows-she could have sued. Let’s start with “Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress.”
#2 – Best/Worst Moment: Mirjana/Her Rando Back Home BF/Denzel quasi-love triangle
Margaux: Like every will they/won’t they TV showmance in history, at some point, will they/won’t they turns into, I couldn’t give a shit. The thing is, I never had the first flush of interest in Mirjana and Denzel going to pound town in the communal shower, no matter how much Top Model forced this insufferable plot line on us.
Samir: Let’s not forget that she started by cuddling up with Matthew, whom she threw over the moment she realized her sucker BF back home was “promoting her on Twitter.” After this, she then moved onto Denzel, while her BF back home had nothing to look forward to from her except a letter, as proof of her maturity in dealing with relationships with human beings. To hear her tiresome bleating about the depth of her feelings that wouldn’t fill a shallow pond, over and over, was a constant thorn in my side, with a horrible soccer-Mom haircut and sweater combo that made her look more like America’s Next Top Stroller-pusher than Top Model.
Margaux: Let us not forget, Mirjana’s former hometown BF (cause as she informed us in the “Finale”, her and Denzel are still together) gets endless replays of his public cuckolding. But the mystery still remains, did Mirjana ever send that break-up and if she did, what in holy fuck could it of possibly said? “You + Me = Over Heart ‘n’ Stars – Mirjana”.
#1 – Denzel is a Homophobe and Tyra’s Poignant Lecture to Denzel at Panel (“The Guy Who Wears Heels”)
Samir: For me the best moment of this series was the public comeuppance Denzel received from Tyra as his homophobic views came to light in response to Will. It was awful to hear Denzel trying to defend himself but simultaneously dig himself deeper, clearly not understanding that his beliefs on gender and sexuality were harmful and offensive. I was impressed however that Tyra chose a correct moment to play out the drama with the contestants. She listened to what was said, and refused to let Denzel backtrack his way out of the direct implications of what he said, and illuminated the parallel between the prejudice Denzel exhibited and that which people of color face in the world in the past and present.
Margaux: Unlike the build up to Adam’s drinking issues, Top Model and Tyra handled the situation impressively without paying mere lip service to Denzel’s harmful and slightly aggressive attitude. Though it was hard not to get angry watching Denzel blather about his short-sided point of view, he really did ramble on about how offensive it’d be to his manhood if a man that wears patent leather heels won America’s Next Top Model (seriously, let the ridiculousness of that statement sink in a minute), but the way in which the house rallied around Will and provided him with a moment of true support was very touching. And I can’t even imagine how much having basic strangers stick up for you must of meant to Will in that moment.
Samir: And it even led to him being open with his parents about who he is, and led to a real emergence of his true self, and a level of confidence he didn’t have before. It was so great to see him really start to love himself for who he was and own it, and he just got better and better from there on out. Maybe there is something to this “Beautytainment” thing!
Margaux: It was an instance of real karma at work. Denzel eventually got sent home with a tarnished reputation as a bulky homophobe and Will deepened his relationship with his parents, placed 2nd in the show, and is currently a working model. IN YO FACE DENZEL – and homophobia in general!
Samir: I guess Denzel’s shoulders and muscley arms turned out to be more detrimental than Will’s heels and extraordinary height. Kudos to you Will, you’ll always be a star in our book 🙂
Honorable Mention: The Line App
Samir: We couldn’t let this list go without an honorable mention to the Line App and Tyra’s doggedly persistent, unwavering promotion of it throughout every episode, and in commercial breaks as well. How else would we have learned that Mirjana possesses the gift of communicating through stickers? Or that people right next to each other could speak to one another without actually talking at all. I still have no idea what it really does.
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