Let me preface my review of Ted 2 by saying: I like Family Guy. I like American Dad! and I even like The Cleveland Show (laugh it up, but it really hits its stride around halfway through its first season and finds a voice of its own). But I’m far from a Seth MacFarlane apologist; I recognize that Family Guy‘s head disappeared up its own asshole several years ago (the episode where Peter Griffin hangs out with Bill Clinton might be the worst episode of television ever made, and that’s coming from a guy who used to watch Under the Dome). My metric for grading comedies is pretty simple, though: did it make me laugh? If so, I like it. If not, then I didn’t. This is probably why I get into such frequent arguments with die-hard fans of Bob’s Burgers.
So that makes the question pretty simple: did Ted 2 make me laugh? Yes, frequently. MacFarlane’s shotgun approach to joke telling isn’t new, and even his detractors could probably point to a few moments from his shows that made them chuckle. But MacFarlane, over a decade into his career, is still, somehow, a polarizing figure, which I have trouble wrapping my head around. He’s the guy yelling jokes every thirty seconds from the back of the classroom; kids laughed at his fart jokes when he was young, so now he tells fart jokes about blacks and Jews. Here’s an example: at one point John (Mark Wahlberg) and Ted (MacFarlane) pay a visit to a sperm bank, where the comedic inevitable happens and John is covered in the contents of dozens of jars. A nurse says: “I suppose it’s all right. Those were the rejected sickle-cell samples.” Cue Ted: “John, you’re covered in rejected black guy sperm, just like a Kardashian!” Did that offend you? Yes? Okay, don’t see Ted 2, although in my opinion, being offended by Seth MacFarlane in 2015 is like being offended by South Park in 2015.
(On that note: here’s a particularly hysterical piece by Grantland’s Wesley Morris, who argues that Ted 2 is really about MacFarlane’s fear of black sexuality. Morris is an insightful, Pulitzer Prize-winning critic, but I saw the same movie he did and I personally don’t think Ted 2 is MacFarlane’s Birth of a Nation.)
You know the plot by now, I’m sure (the commercials haven’t exactly been easy to avoid). Ted and his wife Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth) need to prove Ted’s personhood in order to adopt a baby. Ted and John enlist the services of Sam Jackson (Amanda Seyfried, up for anything) and hijinx ensue. Plot is secondary to a movie like Ted 2, because it’s clearly a passion project, in that Universal was passionate about how much money the first Ted made for them, and MacFarlane passionately wanted to tell a civil rights allegory. That passion is admirable, especially coming from a movie that features jokes like “Robin Williams on 9/11” as punchlines (again, I laughed at this, and again, if you didn’t, don’t see this movie. In fact, why are you still reading this?). What’s less admirable is MacFarlane’s skill behind the camera.
Family Guy episodes are 22 minutes long. Ted 2 is 115 minutes long. With a sandbox that big, it was only a matter of time before MacFarlane shit in a corner of it. He doesn’t disappoint on that front. The opening-credits dance number is weirdly straightforward (props to me for being the only reviewer to not reference Busby Berkeley here – SHIT!), there’s a library montage that goes on way too long, presumably just so the movie could make a couple Breakfast Club jokes, and at one point MacFarlane stops the film dead in its tracks so Seyfried can sing “Mean Ol’ Moon.” (Lovely voice though.) What’s more, MacFarlane makes his hugest misstep in bringing back Giovanni Ribisi’s character Donny, who is more weird than funny, and basically repeats his actions from the first film. Ted 2 loses steam whenever Ribisi shows up. Oddly enough, there’s a scene at the beginning of the film – an argument between Ted and Tami-Lynn – that MacFarlane shoots handheld, and his direction here is both inventive and restrained enough to show some real promise.
See, this is why Ted 2 is hard for me to grade. I laughed my dick off at this movie, but I know, from a strictly technical standpoint, that it’s not a good movie. There are several good parts, though, namely the casting (with the exception of thankless roles filled by Morgan Freeman and Mad Men‘s John Slattery). Wahlberg is great as usual, and his chemistry with the bear is actually believable and sweet. Wahlberg has a way of shouting curse words – which Ted 2 requires him to do often – that comes off as natural and hilarious (of course, this is no surprise if you’ve seen The Departed). Seyfried puts in solid work, too, although the more I think about her the more I think she’s basically MacFarlane’s version of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl: a doe-eyed ingenue who loves old music, and whose pop culture illiteracy makes her a blank canvas to be filled in. (Ted 2‘s best joke is about Seyfried’s eyes, by the way.)
Elsewhere, there are the usual celebrity cameos. Some work (like a game Tom Brady) and some don’t (Alex J. Jones, of Flash Gordon, has no business being in this movie, other than as connective tissue to the first). Liam Neeson, MacFarlane’s unlikeliest pal, shows up for about two minutes and owns every one of them.
Look, this review – all 900 words and counting of it – probably isn’t necessary. If you like MacFarlane’s sense of humor, you’ve probably already made plans to see Ted 2. If you don’t like him, then maybe you should sit this one out. I thought Ted 2 was hilarious (if a bit uneven) but ultimately bogged down by the inexperience of the man directing it (which is weird, because this is MacFarlane’s third film as a director; he should be better at this). Overall I liked it, but I’m also a grown man who’s not offended by a fucking talking teddy bear.
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