I should be spending quality time with my family, but instead I’m talking shit about drag queens, as the good lord intended!

For whatever reason, it’s always more interesting to find out who would’ve gone home had the “losing” lip sync queen won. But my girl Monique is always on the right side of history, America. Monique goes into a lovely soliloquy about wanting to give Farrah grace for her literal misstep that landed her in the bottom last week, much in the same way Monique will hope one of the top two queens this week will give her grace for her Aaliyah coat fumble. But as usual, I get ahead of myself.  

Gia Gunn continues her Emmy campaign for most fabulous villain in a reality television program. Her icey ass laugh at the end of the cold open is the laugh of a villain playing to the camera and wants to make sure they have something to cut to before the opening credits. Honeymoon phase is indeed over.

Much like Latrice, I’m tired of seeing tiny butts like Valentina’s and Farrah’s. That’s barely a butt! Do some squats, eat several sandwiches, and get back to me, okcurrrr?

Ru sashays into the werkoom to announce the Artist in Residence this week is none other than Miss Stacy Layne Matthews, henny!

Sidebar: does this mean we’ll have other drag queen legends stop by for the week?? Ohh, henny!

Anyway, if you’re unfamiliar with legend of Backwoods, North Carolina, in the Drag Race cinematic universe Stacy Layne Matthews is the originator of the catchphrase (catchword??), henny. In addition to myriad of other hilarious -isms, included but not limited to, “who the fuck is Heather?”.

Cutting straight to the maxi challenge this week, the queens will be split into two girl groups, tasked with performing “Don’t Funk It Up” and “Everybody Say Love” ft. Stacy Layne Matthews (with Lizzo as the backing vocals!! Why aren’t more people freaking out about this?! LIZZO!!!!).

As we well know, winning the previous weeks challenge is the gift that refuses to stop giving until one of these top queens inevitably finds herself in the bottom for maximum emotional whiplash. On Trinity’s team, Team Don’t Funk It Up, we have: Valentina, Latrice, Manila, and picked last (which will fuel villainy for the rest of the episode), Gia. Monique’s team, Team Everybody Say Love: Monet, Naomi, and Farrah.

Gia won’t let a little thing like not being on the same team as Farrah stop her from bringing unfinished, outside drama into this competition to mess with Farrah’s head. Stacy Layne Matthews tried to warn us, “never work with children, animals, or drag queens”. Preach, henny.

Team Say Love go record their vocals with Monique and Monet giving the most promising and complex vocal performance. Monique is quite a sanger once she gets out of her head. Even though later we hear Naomi’s verse, which is really entertaining and fun (and gets props from Kasey Musgraves as well written), we skip the recording of Naomi’s part. Seems like the biggest villain of them all are the editors of Drag Race. In a third act twist we discover what Farrah lacks in singing ability she makes for in phone sex operator experience. It honestly explains so much.

It’s Team Don’t Funk It Up’s turn. I agree with everyone else on the internet, Gia’s line about putting the “T” in “LGB” was…incomplete. Not like that was the only issue with her lyrics as she goes on to ostensibly call her teammates hags. Can someone cut in her evil laugh again here? Valentina develops a whole narrative and character for her part, and as Trinity aptly put it, “I have no idea what she’s saying, but I am living”. Manila went on and put a competitive reality show curse on herself! Never, ever say that you perform X all the time, it’s your thing, so it should be easy, breezy. They almost always immediately step right in it, and nearly go home that week, which is exactly what happened to Manila. But luckily for her, I didn’t make too many critical notes while watching because I just realized out of drag Manila looks like my friends brother, and I just could not think about anything else whenever she was on screen.

Onto the singularly most stressful and chaotic situation you can put these queens through every single season without fail, dance rehearsal. Allow Stacy Layne Matthews, who is dressed like a stage Mom on a vacation cruise, accurately distills each teams rehearsal vibe thusly (in a partly made up conversation with me):

Hey, Henny, what’d you think of Team Everybody Say Love? “Phew, henny! Lots of things”.

Umm yeah, I can see that. Henny, what’d you think of Team Don’t Funk It Up?, “17 cooks in the kitchen, all the servers have quit… who’s making this cake?”. Sounds about right.

Okay, now what goes down at the mirror between Gia and Farrah, which Gia one hundred percent starts because she felt some type of way about getting picked last and was also maybe nervous about her vocal performance, is maybe bullying, maybe Gia doing her job. But I cannot see it as anything other than comical. I mean, it’s like she took villain lessons from Boris and Natasha. In some ways I admire Gia just cutting to the fucking chase, “how’s Farrah doing on your team?”, she asks Monique after butting in and barely saying hello. Gia wasn’t going to stop until she got exactly the ammo she needed to go to Farrah and get in her head good and proper. I was most surprised by cool and composed Farrah was, Farrah clocked that entire conversation for exactly what it was from second one. Gia can’t come to you as a friend because the friend Gia has in the competition is herself, and Farrah, with her whining – contrived or real – and tears puts a sizable target on her back as “weakest link”, or at the very least, someone you can easily jab at. How is it not completely unhinged that Gia wants to clear the air with Farrah, at this very moment in time when Farrah gets ready, just in case she goes home tonight? Because that’s what you say to someone when you want squash drama. It is opportunistic, and Farrah’s ability to shut down and counter every attempt Gia takes to gas her up is impressive as fuck, she’s so calm and continuing to put her makeup on, I think Farrah could start a highlighter based cult. I wasn’t gagged by the 4th wall reveal of  “forcing storylines to get airtime”, it was so blatant on Gia’s part, I’m glad someone shined a light on it. And please don’t be confused. I loved every minute of this exchange, I watched it multiple times. Good villain work is good villain work, henny!

Team Funk It Up’s performance, when compared against Team Everybody Say Love, was executed cleaner than Say Love, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t without its flaws. Latrice didn’t stand out enough, same goes for Trinity. Manila was struggle bus city, but lo and behold, Miss Valentina. She closed out the song in her iconic Selena jumper and it was like in Mario Kart when you drive over those things that you an extra boost of power to cross the finish line? Yeah, that was what Valentina did.

Team Say Love started out strong, Naomi’s verse was excellent, but like Latrice, got overshadowed in the end. Monique sounded great, but the jacket element of her Aaliyah outfit homage did trip her up in a challenge where she had to be perfect. Farrah looked so lost, she was always 15 steps behind. Monet was great, and much like Valentina, smartly went last

Runway! Category is: Eloguence After Dark

Gia looks like Debutante Ball Barbie, but I thought the fit was a little off towards the bottom of the dress; Latrice looks gorgeous, but black didn’t help her stand out, and to the powers that be: I NEED MORE LATRICE ASAP!; Manila got dressed knowing she fucked up the main challenge, she looks stunning, her outfit saved her from the bottom because she was so close, her butt definitely skimmed the thin line that separated her. Trinity doing what she does best: Amanda Lepore drag, and nailed it. She not playing with you hoes! Valentina looks red carpet ready, I want that dress; Naomi went high fashion reflective and looked like a stunning robot; Monique gave me a Pam Anderson vibe, the 90s inspired dress and titty reveal, it just wasn’t very high fashion. Farrah always looked great, but it wasn’t a look we haven’t seen. Ps, is pink hair her thing now? Okay, the second Monet hit the runway, I turned to my husband and shouted (because I’d been drinking at dinner) “TOP TWO, BITCH”. Monet served the judges what they’d wanted and never got from her in season 10, glamour, darling.

More questions for the room, did Ross get funnier? I know I’d been drinking, but his zingers got me; “How do you plow a garden? With a ho”. Is that a good joke? Have I lost my way? He also described Farrah as a vegan dessert and nothing has ever made more sense to me.

The tops (Valentina/Monet) and bottoms (Monique/Farrah) shake out how you’d think. I’m sad to see the pendulum swing so swiftly on my girl Monique, but someone made the apt comparison between Monique and Adore. They both share the trait of unmistakable raw talent, but without all the polish (and not in the strictest sense of money for nice clothes, as Monique has overcome that hurdle), it’s more like when their natural abilities aren’t laser focused and reigned in, it can come across as messy.

Gia, not content to have an elimination not involve her in some way, rhetorically asks the room if it’s rude to interrupt Farrah as she begs Monet not to send her home tonight. Gia serves us sabotage two ways tonight, as she finishes sucking up the last minutes Farrah has to plead her case by saying “I don’t want to take up more of your time” six times like a best friends getting into a “no you hang up”-off. If stirring the pot was a talent, Gia would’ve won the talent show last week.

Although I’m not all the way sold that Monet didn’t pick Monique to go home, by the time Farrah talks to Valentina, you could tell Valentina was not feeling her. Her “but if I was to eliminate you” talk made it clear to me, should Valentina win, it’d be curtains for Farrah. At this moment in time, I’d like to reverse course and say, I think Valentina is here to win, and much like Trinity, wants to win by beating the best because why wouldn’t she take out Monique? But in order to send anyone home, these bitches gotta lip sync for it first. When it’s revealed the song was “Into You” by Ariana Grande, it felt more forced to me than Gia looking for a storyline. I knew immediately Valentina would win, it’s like the show did this on purpose. Escandalo! I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t living for Valentina’s JLo, “Waiting For Tonight” drag though, and not for nothing, she outdanced Monet and won her lip sync, deservedly.

After Valentina tells Farrah she’s the one that’ll be sashaying away, Farrah is the most relatable she’s ever been by trying to go for the joke, and it not landing (nothing says humor like telling everyone you just made a joke). Good thing her shade at Gia does land, “you actually don’t love me”, and that’s all that really matters in the end when you’re a drag queen. Farrah, unfortunately, has too many tears left to cry, and her her trying to kiss the mirror goodbye and falling is 100% a wonderful metaphor for her time on this show. Facts remains facts America. Was Monique’s coat messy? Sure. But wasn’t the sum total of the 90s messy?

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