The Strain is so bad, I struggle weekly to put into words how much better off you’d be watching C-Span than The Strain. I wouldn’t even recommend The Strain has background noise while you do dishes, Bachelor in Paradise has more of an advancing plot than this garbage. Seriously, any Bravo reality show can’t compare to the level of exposition jam packed into every fucking episode of this utterly joyless endeavour. And you know what? It’s all our fault its been greenlit for a second season that you legitimately could not pay me one million dollars to watch. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, NAH DAWG.
So until the rest of my six episode sentence runs its course, I’m stuck with this lifeless drek and if you’re reading this, you are too. Look, if you wanna see a werido vampire story, skip “Occultation” (the worst episode so far, but that’s every new episode) just watch the Dracula: Untold trailer – AT LEAST THERE’S A BAT ARMY, FOR FUCKS SAKE.
You know what “Occultation” had to offer last night? Pawn Shop Keeper nearly having a damn heart attack, MID VAMPIRE SLAYING, shakily reaching for his stupid pills! YOU AIN’T BUFFY GRANDPA, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! Whenever characters are called to action, they are so unlikeable and annoying, you’re hoping they die anyway. I’d want to destroy humanity too if I had to interact with any of these people on the regular. But “Occultation” focused slightly more on the main characters extended family, who manage to be more grating than the main characters, wonder where they get it from…
Russian Vermin Cop and his Stoic Russian Father having a PURELY EXPOSITIONAL CONVERSATION – DESPITE BEING FATHER/SON. I wished the sun exploded during that scene and just killed everyone dead right then and there. Eph tries to convince his ex-wife and ex-son to leave the city with this classic line, “I know too much, maybe that sounds crazy”. Uh huh. You’re not in Three Days of The Condor, a-hole. For whatever it’s worth, Eph’s ex-family doesn’t seem to take his advice and put on goggles to look at the eclipse to talk about their feelings. At least ex-wife’s new boyfriend is probs supes dead! No one likes a rat-hero, brah.
Speaking of rats, but not four-legged ones, Jim becomes a gangsta – yes, with an “a”. It’s a long way down from being in The Goonies; it’s riddled with dead monster bodies and disposing of them with “vatos with a heart of gold” Gus and Felix. Guess everyone is still Eichorst’s bitch and it will very obviously not end well, at least if Eichorst is the same vampire that has the Eyes Wide Shut torture chamber. It’s never made clear whose dinner that white guy in his underwear was – which is another infuriating thing about The Strain.
Anything that could hold your interest, is kept in some sort mystery probably in the hopes of building tension but of course, fails. Cause, it’s The Strain and it’s downright terrible. It’s been six episodes and we’re still at the stage where we’re still talking about “plans”, I’d say they’re stalling for something that’s gonna be good but I have zero faith in The Strain; other than it’ll be taking up space on DVR on Sunday night for the foreseeable future.
Best part of “Occultation” was the preview for The League coming back September 3rd.
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