Anyone who calls The Strain a “slow burn” doesn’t have a clear understanding of the term. If you’ve seen Marilyn Manson’s ‘98 music video “Dope Show,” you’ve already seen the water-cooler moment from last nights “Gone Smooth,”
I’ll go ahead and give you a minute to let the analogy sink in. Yes, it’s exactly what you think it is.
The Strain still lacks a complete sense of urgency, which is shitty and strange for a show that’s supposedly about a goddamn blood-sucking vampire virus – enough with Goodweather’s custody battle, seriously. Though “Gone Smooth” had more to offer by way of gross-out moments, again – they are just that and often happen too late because you tuned out 30 minutes ago. Maybe this show isn’t ready to fill out a full hour, way less would be a way better.
We start off by finding out that Eichorst does not Wake Up Like This. Yet, being privy to his morning routine wasn’t that impressive either. From a man – Guillermo del Toro, who haunted my dreams for YEARS with this – would make Eichorst’s au natural, Nazi-Vampire state look like a poor mans He-Who -Must-Not-Be-Named, sucked (pun intended). Sans a large selection of prosthetic noses and ears, Corey Stoll’s castoff wigs – Eichorst is a non-threatening Voldemort. I haven’t been this let down at a reveal since I didn’t get a hamster for Christmas in the fifth grade.
On a positive note, the survivors of the grounded JFK flight are looking progressively worse for the wear; their teeth and gums are always bleeding, a horrible ringing noise in their ears, and it significantly translates to viewers too. The survivors reactions to their transformation is the grossest and more redeeming part of The Strain. Captain Redfern is in the hospital, in a plastic bag, surrounded by doctors that don’t know what’s happening to him, probably on the brink of death with his guilty conscience. Goth Rocker Gabe is looking less Davey Havok and more distant-cousin-of-Nosferatu, not to mention his Stage-5 UTI makes you question whether or not vampires pee until…
WHOOPS! GABE’S PENIS STRAIGHT FALLS OFF AND IS SUBSEQUENTLY FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET. BYE-BYE.
Turning some dude with Morticia Addams hair and lots of false bravado into a eunuch is hilarious and the opposite of scary. I mean, I’m sure the point was to really drive home that these vampires aren’t out to take your virginity and sparkle. But come on, is The Strain going to only revisit tired tropes, only to contribute nothing to them? YOU MADE PAN’S FUCKING LABYRINTH, DEL TORO – GET YOUR GODDAMN SHIT TOGETHER.
Okay, I just needed to get that off my chest. Let’s check-in with the MENSA members of the CDC.
Jim meets with Eichorst, now that he realizes he’s made a terrible mistake. You see, Jim only let what he thought was “medical cargo” (at the behest of Old Guy With A Liver Thing) and he needs the money cause: wife-cancer. Basically the take away from the interaction with Jim and Eichorst is, Jim is his bitch now. Welcome to Oz. Shit, wrong show.
Nora catches up to the Grumpy Pawn Shop Keeper, who tells her what she already knows but, just like a woman, really needs to be told again. The CDC must do what “needs to be done,” i.e. killing and burning every single person on that plane and anyone they’ve come in contact with – which would be an awesome mass-hysteria plot line. But since the CDC are a bunch of bureaucratic babies, GPSK hires Jamaica Queens version of Girl With the Dragon Tattoo to get him all the names from the flight manifest to pay his “condolences” aka: head-chopping and body burning. If we keep the focus on GPSK’s desire to take matters into his own hands, Punisher-style, then a 78-year old man could be the most interesting character on the show.
And as The Strain is wont to do, the best of the episode happens in the last 10 minutes. Captain Redfern vanishes right before surgery and is found by Jim in the basement, eating something bloody – a trait all the plane survivors develop. Captain Redfern attacks Jim, like the corpses that killed the mortician, and you’re kind of hoping Jim will be a goner, till Nora saves him. Then the basement fight scene really goes batshit and not just because Goodweather manages to dodge Vampire Captain Redfern’s tiny mouth monster three times. We get to see more of the vampire’s power and strength, easily taking on the 3 Stooges of the CDC; hints of The Master that killed Bishop impressively in the first episode are totally there. It was fun and left you wanting more, even if they ended it with a Scooby-shot of the CDC Three all: WHAT ARE WE DEALING WITH?!
The Strain is starting to show some promise to get better down the line but not necessarily worth your time. Yet. Maybe.
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