Yes, that’s a weird naming scheme when you read it wrong and reminds me of all those ’90s eXtreme! style commercials. And if that wasn’t bad enough one of those new iPhones is named the iPhone XS Max! Wicked boss, man!
Okay, enough yelling but let’s face it, these names are stupid. The new super-sized iPhone Xs MAX EXTREME sounds like a bad sneaker and not a classy smartphone. It also read like it’s your exes phone in casual conversation.
“Hey, guys! Check out my exes Max!”
“Why do you have you ex-girlfriends phone?”
“No, it’s my exes Max.”
“Yeah, I heard you, but you know it’s creepy and illegal to steal you exes phone”
“No, this is my iPhone XS Max”
“I’m calling the police.”
As for the update this new line of smartphones you can expect a few neat things. The smaller (still pretty big to me) iPhone Xs sports a 5.8-inch screen, with its big brother Xs Max has a 6.5-inch screen making it one of the biggest screens around.
Each handset feature an OLED screens with 120Hz refresh rates and HDR support , slimmer bezels, 3D Touch support and new speakers that have what is being called “wide stereo” for enjoying music without the Apple headphones you probably lost.
Face ID is back and now seems to be the industry standard just in time for the upcoming dystopia future we are building. The famed notch has a ton of features crammed into it including ambient light sensor, proximity sensor, flood illuminator, infrared camera, and a 3D dot projector.
The 3D dot projector won’t display Princess Leia asking for your aid, but is used for the Face ID and make it so only your face can unlock the phone. Apple notes that the new Face ID can figure out who you are much faster making for quicker unlocks by thieves…. Err, by you!
These new handsets are running all new chips that Apple designed called the A12 Bionic showing that Apple has no idea what words actually mean. It’s a 7 nanometer chip with a 4-core CPU and a 6-core GPU for all your daily and AI-related needs.
Apple did highlight the bionic name by saying that this new chip features a neural engine that is comprised of eight cores dedicated to AI and machine level things. It’s all a bit Star Trek technobabble to me and feels for marketing buzzword than an actual neural engine, whatever that means.
The base level storage on these devices has also been upped from 256Gb to 512GB so you can load up on games, phones and whatever Skynet wants to download to your phone through that neural engine thing-a-ma-bob. My current handset only has 64GB and I still have space, but then again I’m not Instagram influencer.
But speaking about photos these new smartphones get some upgrades so you can film you next movie on it (and we aren’t talking about porn you sickos). You now get dual 12-MP sensors with one handling wide-angle shots and the other as a telephoto lens so you can peep into your neighbors bedroom snap pictures of the cute Blue-jay in the back yard.
The battery life is improved but only slightly. Apple claims you’ll be able to get an additional 30 minutes which in normal people terms means it’ll last exactly as long as last years model. Don’t expect battery life to make leaps and bounds until we design new batteries as the current tech is reaching it limits.
Finally the price is as always for Apple devices “Too damn high!” with the smaller Xs having a base price of $1,000, and the larger Xs Max of $1,100. Get them while you can as if those tariffs go through on Chinese goods next year’s models will get a bump in price.
You can pre-order either (or both) devices on Friday, September 14, with shipments out the door on September 21st.
About Author
