“Panties bitch!” Through dusty tones, does Jasmine Masters doth expel the spectre of staid congeniality that some feared would consume this new season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Just because some people are nice and complementary, doesn’t mean the act of hiding their pound of flesh on the runway won’t eventually bring out the snark. Hark what shade through yonder window breaks here on another fabulous RuPauliday? (And since it’s RuPauliday season, why haven’t I found the hot new ginge-ineer Pit Crew member wrapped up as a present under my tree? We need some ginger snaps and fireball whiskey to warm us up!)
Before the girls have even finished untucking and dewigging following the (none-too-mourned) elimination of Sasha Belle from the insane/brilliant “Glamazonian Airways” challenge (that I’ve watched ten times by now), Jasmine Masters is already throwing so much shade you’d think Mr Burn’s sun-blocking machine had descended over the workroom. Despite her frequent protestations of “No T, No Shade, No Pink Lemonade” she is letting the world drown in all three. She’d be this season’s Coco Montrese if she was funnier. She is not just unimpressed by the younger queens. She’s even offended by “the air they breathe” and “their boney-ass, slim, up-and-down pole bodies.” Is she projecting a little bit here? She does get a great non-shady line in when she responds to Jaidynn’s tales of foot misery: “You gotta pop them corns so the kids can eat!”
But she saves some particularly spiteful vitriol for Violet Chachki. I believe her exact words were: “then there’s that ole tight-ass, long horse-faced Violet” before ripping her for not covering up with more demure panties. Yikes, that old vs young dynamic this season finds expression in the dance mini-challenge, which typically leads into a group performance maxi-challenge. All the queens are tasked with channeling their “inner Golden Girl” and donning old lady drag for an “old, old-fashioned Soul Train dance line.” To play up the elderly angle, RuPaul enters in a Hoveround which he milks for every ounce of merriment to announce the game of “Sissy That Walker.”
The dancing parade of the queens’ Ensure-inspired visions were all hilarious in their own way and showed surprising diversity in interpretation. Certainly the saggy boobs and floral print nightgowns were in full-force, but every queen gave a unique and entertaining variation in the hair and makeup and accessories to complete their looks. Of course the girls who snagged walkers seemed to have the most fun with it (Max and Katya especially).
I have to wonder if Pearl was really aiming for Elaine Stritch with his look, or just lucked out. Either way RuPaul was not gagging on the extended purse-dropping bit. It’s amazing how easily they all could have blended in with the matrons of the Miami assisted living community.
Jasmine managed to force Ru to break character, prompting a riotous but simple question (about one of his homeless old-lady accessories) that occurred to everyone who watched: “Where did you get a loaf of bread?” With so many good puns it’s hard to narrow down Ru’s best, but some favorites from the mini-challenge:
“Grandma said ‘knock you out’”
“I thought she had retired from twerkin’?”
“Girl, your p***y is on once-a-month Boniva”
“Drop it like it’s Icy Hot”
“No teeth, all shade.”
RuPaul also drops some #Shakesqueer herstory as he informs the ladies that the birth of the term “DRAG” comes from an acronym by Shakespeare himself when noting which roles were men “dressed as a girl.” Kennedy Davenport and Max are the most golden girls and as winners/team captains, we learn that common sense and a positive attitude goes a long way once we see them in action. The challenge is a group performance of Shakespeare parodies, #ShakesQueer they call it. The titles: one team gets “Macbitch” and the other gets “Romy and Juliet.” Max sensibly assigns roles for “Romy and Juliet” based on who he feels is right for the parts. Possibly because he’s already so dramatically inclined, he’s confident enough to help his team create a good group performance.
Kennedy decides to journey into murky tempestuous waters and cast everyone against type, for some mysterious reason whose logic only she is privy to. Kennedy announced that the description of the title role in the cheerleading Mean Girls tale “Macbitch,” (which also sounds like a menu item at a McDonald’s run by drag queens that I’d be most interested in sampling someday), was basically Violet (whom she dislikes)… but casts her in the ghetto role that Jasmine did not want to play. In her interview she claims that Violet is just a bitch who is always upset no matter what.
I can’t imagine how a leader plans to win a group acting challenge by deliberately not casting the players in roles to which their suited, but that appeared to be Kennedy’s actual plan. Just to put this in the clearest terms possible let’s break down these decisions: With an hour to get this down, and after everyone started working on the roles they were assigned, Kennedy finally picked up on the obvious and switched Violet and Jasmine; then Kennedy refused a request for a group rehearsal, preferring that they all sit separately to learn their lines, despite the rhythmic nature of their intertwined dialogue; and Kennedy’s questionable decision-making also left two main performers with very little time to create their characters or memorize the right lines. Does any of this add up to SUCCESS to anyone else? I think Violet had a right to be upset, because Kennedy set them all up for failure then backed away. And let us not forget the bombshell announcement that Pearl doesn’t know the real title upon which “Macbitch” was playing, and has never heard of Macbeth?! #CallMeIlliterate indeed. Those portentous Shakespearean storm clouds began to form as even the drag variation of Macbeth was not free from the legendary curse of the Scottish play.
Only one or two people on Kennedy’s team seemed to remember their lines AND their cues, AND their staging, but sadly Kennedy was not one of them. Add to this the bits of costumes flying off or bulging weirdly, wooden performances that clearly end with people reading cue cards-this is a pileup on the racetrack that left no survivors, or footage that not even Martin Scorsese’s editor could turn into something worth watching. Everyone’s performance was dragged down by this travesty, in particular Jasmine who grew more and more painful to watch. I wanted so badly to fast-forward and spare myself the horror, but this is kind of her thing (“It’s a cocoon”). RuPaul called it the worst “car crash” in 7 seasons and laid down the groundwork for the epic shout-down in the judging to follow. At least the visual symphony of confused, bemused-horror facial expressions on Michelle Visage’s and RuPaul’s faces as they sat through every agonizing minute entertained us.
By contrast, Max’ team flourished. Even when Jaidyn had her meltdown on the set, Max comforted her and got her through it, instead of whining about teammates having problems or personalities that annoy her. Michelle reminds Jaidyn that she does have acting experience because she is a drag queen.
Max took the time to create an environment conducive to success, and showed a vulnerable, caring side (the cameras make sure to show Ru and Michelle noticing as they direct the scene) in addition to the quirky character. This is something Ru always looks for in the comedy/kooky queens, so perhaps this is a clue of some sort to Max’ potential longevity here? But I’m 50% psychic / 50% the worst kind of amateur sleuth: I see clues everywhere, like Haley Joel Osment sees dead people. Regardless, I have noticed that we’ve gotten to see quite a few positive sides to Max in #ShakesQueer that I hope we continue to see for many more episodes.
Ginger Minj highlights the age divide back in the workroom as she explains the Bitter Old Lady Brigade who can’t stand the young queens, whom they paint with the same brush as all look and no performance, and no difficulty to grapple with. That sounds like a defensive criticism born of the perceptions of ageism and body snobbery in the younger gay community, and I hope it doesn’t become a running theme where the brigade just vent their frustrations by trashing the drag younglings. Ginger Minj’s personal story of brightening a dying cancer patient’s life with drag is a heartwarming core of her character. Perhaps she would do well to share that story with the younger queens in the room to inspire them, and not keep it as fodder to commiserate with the self-perpetuated bitter lady brigade in the workroom. Sharing worked for Bianca del Rio, didn’t it? But this underestimation may just be a set-up by the editors to create a similar story-arc later on.
The runway challenge is a doozy as well, a “Bearded Lady” look that harkens, in actual execution, to the San Francisco “Cockettes” style drag still practiced in small part in the city today (check out the Grand Guignol pleasures of the Thrillpeddlers in SF, the progeny of this genderfuck performance troupe).
The obvious point of reference is the staple of the circus sideshow, but the looks on the runway reminded me strongly of the “hippie acid-freak drag queens” as John Waters described the “Cockettes” in the documentary of the same name, Trixie Mattel’s and Violet Chachki’s in particular. Katya goes as Babe-raham Lincoln, and it assassinates. So does Max’s Salvador Dali by way of Tim Burton theme.
I find it funny that so many gave Milk shit last season for once putting on a fake beard for the runway, and this season it’s the goal of a challenge. I guess Milk really was ahead of his time. Even more topsy-turvy is the fact that Kandy Ho has finally reduced the beard-like shading of his face enough for Michelle to notice…in a challenge where they have to look like they have facial hair. Kennedy looks like he’s wearing Cartman’s pube-beard from “Scott Tenorman Must Die.” Jasmine has a great gown (not the best-ever in Drag Race as she claims) yet has the most busted beard of them all. It’s painted on and looks worse than Denzel’s “beard-weave” from the last cycle of America’s Next Top Model. Jasmine’s excuse is that the adhesive to make a fake beard stick gives her a rash that would send her to the hospital. So those are your only choices? Beard/Rash/Hospital or disastrous paint job? I’d hazard a sizable wager that other options could have presented themselves here hunty.
Best Bearded Lady Runway puns:
RuPaul: “Is she a ZZ Top or a ZZ Bottom?” (Trixie Mattel)
RuPaul: “Mr and Mrs Kasha Davis”
Carson: “Cruella Depilatory” (Mrs Kasha Davis)
RuPaul: “All Shade, All Mr T” (Jaidynn Diore Fierce)
Carson: “The Artist Formerly known as Kennedy Davenport”
Kat Dennings: “Dr. Zhivag-ho” (Kandy Ho)
RuPaul: “Fu Man Chu betta work!” (Kandy Ho)
RuPaul: “Peggy Sue got hairy” (Violet Chachki)
The final versions of the two plays reveals Ru was not exaggerating the sheer awfulness of “Macbitch.” Remember Vivacious in the pink box last season, or Vivienne Panay in the kids show in season 5? Phoenix in the sci-fi skit in season 3? What about India Ferrah’s t workout video and her weather girl from season 3? They all look like the Barrymores next to Kennedy’s team. You’re right Pearl, this was hard to watch. “Romy and Juliet” plays well, and only looks more masterful in comparison.
Without the slightest suspense, the judges vote Max’s team victorious, and Max himself the winner of the maxi challenge. A well-deserved win that I don’t think many will be able to convincingly dispute. “Macbitch” was so awful that the entire team is up for elimination! Guess Jasmine should have been more specific when she wished all the lackluster queens would sashay away together in one fell swoop.
As each “Macbitch” member offers their reason for their bad performance, we see Michelle stunned into silence by Jasmine’s excuses. Jasmine even claims that he knew his lines, which Ru shuts down immediately, clearly heated. Even guest judge Mel B (whose relevance, beyond being British, to this challenge is as mystifying as Kennedy’s choices) has no patience for the steady stream of “rough day” excuses. RuPaul blows up like we haven’t seen him do since Tammy Brown told him “I don’t see you walking any of your children in nature” in the Season 1 reunion. Instantly a popular twitter handle #NoGoddamnExcuses was the primal scream of this episode. Pearl at least took her criticism and didn’t keep arguing, but she did have at least one good review, for the creativity of her papier mache Satan beard, before just scraping by. In RuPaul’s words: “You’ve been sleepwalking. This is your wakeup call. WAKE UP!”
After all the drama with Kennedy and Jasmine ripping on the other girls, it was bound to be the two of them on the bottom in the LSFYL. We heard a lot about Kennedy’s dance prowess, but unfortunately her dress looked too tight from torso-to-toe to allow for her to show off the jumps and kicks she says she can bust out. Nonetheless, she still outclasses Jasmine, who doesn’t live up to the self-proclaimed superiority in performance skills. As I always say, if a contestant for anything is from San Diego, CA you can bet they will not win the competition. We knew she was going home the second she went fan-geek over Kennedy in the first episode-and this pattern did not change this time around. Bye bye Jasmine, don’t slip on that pink lemonade. It’s a shame that this competition brought out the worst in her character. Did it just get brighter in here? Must be, my man Lucian Piane is back on the show next week!!
I rate this episode a definite 5 stars. This episode of “MasterQueef Theatre” set my quill endlessly ablaze.
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