Welcome back to All Stars 4, and not RuPaul’s Give a Third Chance to a Girl. Ready to be positively gooped, America? The new iteration of beloved Drag Race staple Snatch Game happened this week. Yes-mama-gawd-boots-the-house-down, let us get in-to-itttt.
As I mentioned last recap, my favorite part of the elimination process on All Stars is seeing who the other queen would’ve picked should she of won, and I’m happy to see Monet was on the right side of herstory by picking Farrah. But the real gag of the season thus far? Monet thinking she should’ve won that lip sync against Valentina. I love Monet, but where? How? The twirl/jump/into the splits was impressive, Lord knows I’d break every bone in my frail body if I attempted it, but did Monet SEE Valentina? She was feeling that fantasy, bitch.
As Miss Tuck (or is it Miss The Tuck?) correctly clocks Monet’s visions of grandeur about sweeping that win in her “little body suit from the dance store” and how that is not gonna cut it for much longer. Happy Miss X Change got some new wigs for this season, but I cannot with another bodysuit with nothing else to it. No, ma’am. It was rich to see Monet come for Trinity’s outfits, like, what’s happening right now? Are we being produced into thinking this is actually a fight happening between these two? Is this the “drama” we can expect in the absence of Gia Gunn’s pot stirring? This, and Manila trying to convince us in her Inspector Gadget drag that she’s an “old bitch”. If Manila is ready to collect AARP benefits, what in the hell is everyone else over the age of 30? Practically dead? I reject this narrative!
As the sun sets on one challenge, a new day has arrived with the promise that this week is Snatch Game! With a twist! (A welcomed twist, I might add) Similar to Match Game/Dating Game, get ready to receive your blessings in the form of the Snatch Game of Love!
On the topic of producer interference, I feel like the queens do everything in their power to jinx themselves, or at least, give producers ideas as to how to best get in their way. Monet, who did extremely well on her season of Snatch Game as Maya Angelou, simply set herself up for disaster by not fully prepping her Whitney impression. And my sweet, lovely, Latrice. Don’t you know if you wanna make God laugh, tell him you don’t wanna deal with the romper room fuckery? That bitch is petty as hell. Bless Valentina for knowing that portraying Selena wouldn’t be funny, cause that’s honestly half the battle. Beyonce = not funny, as we’ve learned the hard way, don’t attempt enigmatic figures.
Love when two queens come to game with the same Snatch impersonation, but I couldn’t of predicted Caitlyn Jenner as the person who’d pit Gia and Trinity against each other, but in the final days of 2018, all bets are off! Trinity, firmly sick of Gia’s shit, does not back down (and boy oh boy, am I glad she didn’t). The difference between Trinity and Gia, Trinity came prepared with back up Snatch ideas, Gia did not. Gia assures us she’s going a “comedic route” with Caitlyn that would consist of jokes about how much it sucks to wear high heels, which is true, but just cause it’s true doesn’t automatically make it funny. I think the real joke is that Gia came to All Stars 4 without a back up. Sounds kinda bad when you hear it out loud, huh?
Two quick notes before we get into the game itself. Quickly, let me say how ecstatic I am that there wasn’t a single dude being impersonated! Halle-fucking-loo! It’s called Snatch Game, y’all. As I’ve complained before, if your character doesn’t have one, start over. I’M LOOKING AT YOU BLACK MIRROR BANDERSNATCH. NOT A-ONE FEMALE LEAD AND YOU PUT SNATCH IN THE TITLE? FUCK OFF. Secondly, The Dating Game infamously had a serial killer on it.
Okay, let’s find these bitches a match!
Our bachelors are Olympic skier Gus Kenworthy, and Aussie actor Keiynan Lonsdale. I really liked this format because the queens were split in two groups, and were able to have more banter (or be forced to dig their out – or not) with the guest(s) and have more organic ways to steal the spotlight.
First up, Team Gus Kenworthy. Monet, a trained singer, could’ve done so much more with Whitney, like sang all her answers. I am always a little put off when people go for the easy potshots about Whitney, she’s a legend, damn it! With all her diva antics, I think there is so much more to mine than tired “Bobby!” jokes. But if you’re gonna do dark Whitney, how could you not bring up the infamous receipts?? Aren’t you a drag queen? Overall, Monet started strong and fizzled quick. Naomi as Wendy Williams was delightful, but got completely overshadowed sitting next to Trinity, and although Naomi petered out a little towards the end, she saved it by recreating an iconic moment. The faint at the end was a hilarious surprise, and Naomi’s boob work was on point. Valentina’s Eartha Kitt was more Gloria Swanson in Sunset Blvd than Catwoman. She did the thing where she basically talks herself out of the joke because her “bit” goes on too long. Tough break considering Valentina’s first try at Snatch Game as Miss Colombia was excellent. Trinity as Caitlyn Jenner was pretty much perfect. Not once does she punch down, or go for the easy joke. Trinity does exactly what Valentina came up short at, being well researched, but then throwing it all away and filtering it through your own personal brand of humor. She fucking killed it, committed and stayed in character till the very end. Of course Trinity wins her man, and the handshake-hand hold murdered me dead. It’s actually my ghost writing this review. Stole the show, stole Gus’s heart; Miss Trinity don’t hurt ‘em! “Nice to meet you, don’t touch me!” is a line I won’t soon forget. Nailed it, baby
Onto Team Keiynan Lonsdale. WOOF, guys, fucking WOOF. Let’s start with the good. Keiynan is adorable! Monique as Tiffany Haddish was really a match made in heaven, but I would argue Monique didn’t really get to shine, but that’s not all her fault. She did a lot to erase the Maxine Waters fumble of her season, and gets one good joke run in about her superpower being she can sense when a man is cheating on her. Manila’s Barbra Streisand could’ve gone sideways with the caricature of a caricature of it all, but I think the key to a successful Snatch Game is to be hella committed and to stay in character. You’ll mostly do fine, and if everyone around you is struggling, you could win! I feel the worse for Latrice. The Della Reese was never able to jump out, and that didn’t seem fair. She let Gia get to her. The “fat man in a dress”…joke – question mark – would test anyone’s patience, and pushed Latrice, understandably, over the fucking edge, I was afraid it’d land her in the bottom. Gia as Cardi B’s nail tech, Jenny Bui…yikes yikes yikes yikes yikes. I’ll tell Gia what I tell my sketch writing students, don’t fucking punch down. But that’s kind of what unfunny people who are trying desperately to be funny tend to do. It was so uncomfortable to watch her make stereotypical “me love you long time” cracks I assumed we’d left in – I dunno – the fucking 90s. I do truly think that Gia did not mean to offend and is just not an inherently funny person. She’s used to being beautiful and mean, not goofy and funny. Kind of relieved she gave up Caitlyn Jenner based on this showing. It was tough stuff to sit through, and say this as someone who watches Vanderpump Rules. Gia dragged her whole team down with her, they tried to save it a couple times, but sometimes you can’t hear it. Gia demonstrated unsportsmanlike conduct the way she stepped on Latrice’s gig, and you could hear the bottom two jump out. WOOF.
Next day in the werkroom, more confident due to her Snatch Game win, Manila – in a Snoopy sky captain hat, girl…are you okay?? – starts planting seeds of discontent early by hinting she may possibly take out her competition should she find herself in the position to do so. see you coming for the shady bitch title, Manila. And, guys? Don’t even ask me to unpack Monet casually dropping that she believes in aliens because I refuse.
Did you forget Ru is a supermodel…OF THE WORLD? Cause this week, she reminds us she is. “Dang gams!” is what I have in notes about Ru’s runway look; come through 90s Naomi Campbell. *snaps fingers till they fall off* Watch out, Ross. Gus Kenworthy is coming for your judges spot, that bitch is hella funny! Do I like Olympic skiing now? I get the distinct impression that Gus is the funny one of his friends while watching this show because he had so many puns at the ready. Gus, are you busy in March? Do you wanna write for my sketch show? Also Keiynan and his matador realness, yes bitch – live your best Evita fantasy. I love when guests clearly love this show so much, and give good critiques too. Dream guests those two studs were!
Category is: Boots the House Down!
Monet is first, and despite some fit issues toward the top of her boots, it saved her from her bottom, and you cannot convince me otherwise. Naomi, although fierce, looked more like the category was Frodo Boots the House Down. I hate gladiator sandals with all my might. Trinity, can I look like you when I grow up? Her and Ru both looked like they walked in the same 90s fashion show earlier in the day. Her look is sickening, and she stomped it like she knew she’d be in the top. Like duh. Oh my, the crotch on Valentina’s jumpsuit was literally criminal. As Monique would say, “we gon pray”. Speaking of Monique, loved her Little Red Riding Ho look, super cute. Happy to see her back on an upswing. Manila as a Tom of Finland dom sex bunny is the level I always need her at. Gia serves Rihanna Calvin Klein ad because she is a professional afterall. Latrice! Came through dripping! Don’t know if I love the Ariel wig, but she turned it out. She was feeling herself and that counts for a lot.
During judges critiques, Gia takes full ownership of not doing well during Snatch Game of Love, and how can you not respect that? She was incredibly graceful and not even remotely shady. By the time we get backstage, she starts getting choked up talking about what a confusing experience it is to come back now as a trans woman, how can you not feel for her? She was struggling to find her place in the competition and it came out in bitchy ways, and I don’t think that’s who Gia is as a person. I’ve always maintained that reality shows can bring out the worst in someone who is in an emotionally vulnerable state.
I appreciate a queen with an eye for a storyline, but the will she/won’t she of Manila floating the idea she may send Valentina home cause she’s her biggest competition never felt like a real threat. It did feel like she gave the producers what they wanted, AND created an arc for herself for the rest of the season. But Manila, as she’s wont to remind us, is an old bitch. She might’ve been out the newer Drag Race game, but she is still a working drag queen. She knows if she sent Valentina home, not only would she have to be perfect every single week because if anyone ever even got a whiff of her flopping, she’d the first to go home for her unsportsmanlike conduct of sending a queen home because she felt insecure. I also would like Trinity saying “alert, alert” as my text message sound.
In another instance where I agree with the internet, Manila won this lip sync the second she posted herself up against the wall at the entrance of the runway, and made this wistful, dreamy, lovey face. She embodied the essence of “How Will I Know”. Manila does the right thing and sends Gia home, but who knows what her light threat to send Valentina home will mean for her down the road. Manila trying to hug Valentina after the elimination, and getting shut out, was pretty funny.
Next time on All Stars, Jersey Justice!
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