Now, I’m no mathematician, but it doesn’t quite add up that we’re seven episodes into All Stars and we’ve only gotten rid of three queens. If I’m exhausted by this realization, imagine how the queens must feel. We’re back to seven contestants vying for the crown instead of probably, like, five if we didn’t engage in a bunch of chicanery and stunts. We implore you, RuPaul’s Drag Race, stop stunting on us and start sending some of these bitches home.
The crux of “Queen of Clubs”, apart from the actual challenge itself, emerges quickly. Valentina, still feeling some type of way over nearly being eliminated the last time someone was supposed to go home roughly 84 years ago. She claims in her talking head cutaways that she’s still in the fight for the crown, but will go on to do everything in her power to show us the actual opposite. It was kind of odd to watch Valentina sort of run out of steam as the episode progresses. The secondary plot line is the ‘will she, won’t she ’ballad of Latrice Royale; will she succeed in serving us the sickening performances and lewks we’re used to in her night-to-night drag work or will she fail to live up to expectations as she previously has. And, well, insert the gif of Oprah shrugging exasperatedly here.
The most successful maxi challenges in my esteem, and since I’m writing this my esteem is the only one that matters, are the challenges where the queens have to perform a task they’d do ordinarily, like lip sync or host bingo. Herein lies the brilliance of this week’s challenge where the queens have to create and host their own legendary club night, inspired by Ru’s discovery by real life Ben Buttons, Susanne Bartsch. No, seriously, she looks ageless and I’d like whatever she is having, Kthanx! From theme to decor to a speciality cocktail, they’ll have to come up with e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. Latrice has the privilege and curse of pairing up the queens, and gets to join the team of her choice. It starts nice and fair enough when Latrice matches Monique and Monet, who would’ve worked together anyway, but considering how things went down the last time they were a team, makes sense Latrice would respectfully decline the invite to join them.
#CategoryIs Plastique Fantastique! 💎 Who had your fav lewk? #AllStars4 pic.twitter.com/4A4KTOLzKH
— RuPaul's Drag Race (@RuPaulsDragRace) January 26, 2019
Instead, she joins her friend Manila (who started almost every sentence this week with, “my friend, Latrice”) and Trinity, unsurprisingly aligning herself with the two strongest competitors with the best track record so far. And that leaves us with the final group, Valentina and Naomi. They’re sort of thrown together by circumstance, but on the surface, they makes sense together. They’re both glam and into fashion, as Valentina notes in her confessional, but what gives her pause is not how will best blend their talents to win this challenge (a win Naomi notes at the top of the episode as necessary to her ongoing survival on the show), but whether or not Naomi is “fun”. Whatever Oh Ah Ah sensation “LaLaPaRuZa” gave us for Naomi, it’s all but evaporates under the pressure of “Queen of Clubs”.
From the jump, Valentina and Naomi at with a deficit, especially if Valentina is drinking on the job…question mark. A French Vanilla Fantasy is champs and with red M&Ms, right? Valentina lives a fantasy so authentic I cannot tell what is real and what’s a joke, which I suppose is the point, but is also incredibly confusing for someone spending a sustained amount of time with her. Or, as Naomi delicately puts it, “I’m entertained?”. Honestly, if Valentina has been drinking this entire time, it’d explains almost everything. When these two put their beautiful and incredibly stylish heads together, we get such groundbreaking ideas as, Club Diva – be a queen for a night, or something. Ultimately, they end on the theme of Club 96 because Studio 69 was too obvious. Hold me, I’m scared of what’s to come if this is the exploratory meeting of the minds.
As someone else on the internet smartly pointed out, was there some sort of bee related/yellow and black challenge we weren’t privy to because everyone, with the exception of Valentina and Naomi, was in yellow and black. Just smidge suss is all.
Like most things in life, manual labor quickly sorts out what’s possible and what really isn’t, and for purposes of this show, who’ll be in an obvious disaster in the challenge. Poor Naomi, she is sweating the creation, construction, and overall vision of her ill fated club night with Valentina more than Latrice getting into a painting smock that’s four sizes too small. I do find it interesting that Valentina had the time to go around and offer critiques of the other club rooms, but couldn’t be bothered to help her struggling teammate. Instead of working with Naomi, Valentina popped by the other ladies clubs to call them tacky, ugly, or lame because she’s too outta touch with reality to understand how someone who isn’t her might find a Black Hole or Bee Hive themed bar night fun. That was the point where I thought Valentina had overstayed her welcome. I mean, if Valentina is such an artist, she wouldn’t of allowed those sad ass ferns as decor. Tragic, sad, wouldn’t wanna be there.
😂omg this lip sync right now though! WHAT?! I live. 😂 @LatriceRoyale @TrinityTheTuck #AllStars4 pic.twitter.com/Qjt3NvCksG
— RuPaul's Drag Race (@RuPaulsDragRace) January 26, 2019
Love how each club visit was edited to like look and feel like a cut segment from MTV Spring Break. And we start at The Black Hole with Monique and Monet looked “very space”, down to Monique’s rubber tentacle fingers. The speciality cocktail, Beam Me Up, served by “Scotty”, was very clever without being twee. And the nightly entertainment of turning a lewk and walking the (Orion’s) belt was inspired and on brand. Overall, Black Hole was my favorite for the same reason the judges loved it, it was stupid fun, and Monique and Monet are effortless, charismatic hosts who don’t feel like they’re trying too hard.
Onto, *WHISPERS LOUDLY* CLUB NINETY-SIX. It started off like an SNL sketch as Carson pointed out (“Swarovski Crystals” starring former guest judge Cecily Strong comes to mind), but it only had one joke and Valentina wasn’t in on it. Valentina’s floundering didn’t look very intentional, and it’s where her level of admitted non-involvement with doing any of the work jumps out. Naomi can land a couple good jokes on her own, like the Isaac Mizrahi one, but what both them needed was a stronger partner to lean on and bounce ideas off of. Separately, I believe they have the capacity to be captivating hosts, but together it’s like their energy cancel each other out, and it didn’t help they were not on the same page a lot of the time, leaving Valentina to do this odd rhyming scheme with her speech. I’d be lying if I didn’t say whispering Club Ninety-Six is almost as iconic as Miss Vaaaannnnnjjjjiiiiie because it is.
Lastly, Club Hive. Their biggest problem was Manila’s inability to read a room, luckily her contribution of called Rita Ora a “non-American singer” was enough for me to forgive her. In terms of design, it was the most realized, polished, and finished. The strip tease spelling bee was an unexpectedly good surprise for nightly entertainment. Trinity and Latrice are naturally gifted hostesses, they both have the ability to make you feel welcome while they read you to your face. The “release the bees” moment is when I knew they won, you know Ru found that extremely funny. Other than Manila’s inability to reel it in, my personal issue with Club Hive was its over reliance on bee puns. Like, we got it after the third one, ya know? Also, I’m absolutely terrified of bees, so, on a cellular level, this club wasn’t for me, but I get why it won. Other than, “producers couldn’t deny a Latrice win”. And I’d be remiss not to point out what a good pair Trinity and Latrice make, both are very complementary to each others strengths.
This weeks category is: Plastique Fantastique!
If Latrice sweat up a storm getting into that painting smock, and knowing what I know about latex thanks for Erika Jayne on Real Housewives, how long do we think it took her to get powered up and zipped into this number? Praise be Latrice, that club kid runway was the best she’s looked.
Manila’s cellophane Chica Banana get up was cute enough, but she did just literally serve us a food look last week.
Trinity’s spat out bubble gum bodysuit was a total knockout, I say it every week, but it bares repeating, she is not playing with you hos!
Naomi didn’t do herself any favors with her runway outfit, it was sorta the same-ish Twiggy look she’s wont to do.
Same can be said for Valentina, sure last time she was Miss Columbia, but the point was we’ve seen her in a look very similar to this. Cute idea to come out as Latina Barbie, but the pageant aspect confused the issue (as much as it pains me to defend Michelle).
Monet’s intergalactic gladiator outfit was really cool and different, but the proportions were a little off in places, she mostly got there.
My boo Monique, I got her reference to Josephine Baker, but what I think the judges took issue with was that it looked a little craft store, which explains why she sold the hell out of it on the runway.
Another week where the top and bottom queen’s shake out exactly as you’d expect; top: Latrice and Trinity. Bottom: Naomi and Valentina.
The deliberation process in “Queen of Clubs” basically highlighted how much more narrow the competition is when you trying to decide between Naomi and Valentina. Trinity lays out their difference simply, Naomi has been consistent and safe, but forgettable at times. Valentina has won once, and although she may not be tethered to reality, she definitely isn’t forgettable.
Okay, this lip sync is kind of a nightmare, n’est pas? Let’s start with the song selection. The challenge was “legendary club night” and they’re gonna lip sync to “You Spin Round”. Umm, Rita Ora is sitting right there! Her licensing fee can’t be that much! We couldn’t dust off “I Will Never Let You Down”?? “Anywhere”?? Bitch, aren’t you still promoting Phoenix??? This is homophobia at its finest. #JusticeForRitaOra #ShesTheWhoQueen. Even though the image has haunted me all weekend, and I’ve dedicated too much time trying to understand Trinity’s lip sync costume, it’s starting to look a bit True Detective red string board up in here. I just fail to understand how her performance in the lip sync proves she’s not one thing, and what extension of Trinity the Tuck is being let out by dressing in weird old lady with saggy titties drag.
Is it because the song is somewhat synonymous with Wedding Singer and the “Rapping Granny”? Or is it cause the lead singer sounds kind of a like a warbling old person? Look, I’m trying here because she clearly was going for something, I just don’t know what because it can’t be comedy. When all was said and done, it rightly went to Latrice. Maybe she won’t go home immediately, and Latrice’s lip sync outfit was light years better than what she wore last week to get back in the competition, wig included. This is the Latrice we expected when she was first eliminated nine hundred weeks ago.
And now Naomi is the only one who hasn’t won one so next week her storyline will continue to be “win or go home”, and without Valentina, she increases her chances of going home. I do love that Valentina’s biggest issue with being eliminated is that she has to pack up all her shit. Now that’s a relatable diva with a heart.
Next week they make over their best Judy, and oh my, the fights, THE FIGHTS that will inevitably ensue.
About Author
