Phew, henny, lot of things this week. A few stray thoughts before we read these queens performances in a shitty Jersey accent. Will we look back on “Jersey Justice” and not recall Monique’s iconic turn as Anastasia Ravioli Ragu, part of the Ragu family, but as the episode that set it off? Has the cut throat jumped out, or has previous notions, such as, but not limited to: legacy, beloved-ness, and career longevity mean less when we talk about All Stars? Methinks, yas.

In what surely should’ve been the first sign of trouble, Latrice enters the workroom declaring she has something to prove and make up for in a post-Snatch Game of Love world. Yiiiiikes. Reality TV foreshadowing is not sophisticated, they straight up tell you how the rest of episode will play out in the first three minutes.

Oftentimes, it doesn’t seem like the maxi challenge results are worth sacrificing the mini challenge. Mini’s are fun and frivolous, and when we’re stuck with improv maxi challenges, which can be stressful and not as lighthearted, can’t we kick things off with a silly quick drag challenge where the stakes are low and mostly meaningless? SIGH.

This week we’re treated to Jersey Justice, a daytime courtroom show with Jersey’s own, the dishonorable judge Michelle Visage, and not to mention, court stenographer, Stacy Layne Matthews (the purest winner this week). The queens are left to break into teams of their choosing, which will naturally spark an issue they’ll have to overcome, or end up in the bottom. Whether it’s acting, confidence, or wanting your teammates not be so fucking loud, fix it or face going home.

The teams, and their respective hearings, shake out thusly:

Monet/Latrice/Monique, and their case, *extreme Monique Heart voice* How Bout Them Cakes??

Manila/Naomi go head-to-head in, You Made Me Look Like a Bitch, Bitch!

Valentina/Trinity (still a weird clique to me, but okay I guess) will argue, I Was Snookered By Snooki.

Monique tells us the key to improv is to be funny and stay in character. Now, here I was thinking it was ‘yes, and’, no wonder I never made the cut for the Del Close marathon (that’s a little bit of improv humor you!). Every episode Monique blesses us with a life lesson and never asks anything in return of us, and this week she teaches us what a booty do is – it’s when your stomach sticks out more than your booty do. Got your chuckles out? Great, because I’m gonna get into some controversial-ish (at least controversial to Manila and Valentina) territory.

Look, I love an excuse for underperforming, I tell mine to my therapist every week. And I’m willing to buy Latrice’s from last week with the Gia Gunn of it all it was difficult to get a word in edgewise. But this week? No ma’am. Monet and Monique are her teammates, ostensibly, her friends too, and by this point in time you are well aware part of their brand and personality is, LOUD. Knowing this, you cannot wait for them to give you a moment to interject. The whole point of this shit show of a challenge is to grab the spotlight for yourself, and if your concern going into the challenge is they won’t shut up, either use the frustration you feel over them constantly talking over you, or tell them you need them to shut the fuck so you can deliver. It’s called communication, y’all!

It would seem team Naomi and Manila’s biggest issue is Naomi is a big fan..question mark? I mean, it’s no shock that their scene was the most cohesive, out of everyone during the rehearsal check in, they seemed to be getting the most work done. But when Manila is your partner, Naomi best put some pep in that step to come up to her energy level, and even during their run through, Naomi came across as too laid back. Don’t wait for your moment, girl!

Over at team Valentina and Trinity…once again, it bears repeating, Valentina is cast in the upcoming live Fox musical Rent, which I get more curious about with every episode of Drag Race. I think, above anything, Valentina is an actress, you can’t tell me this bitch isn’t acting like she could get nominated for Best Talking Head Interview in a Reality Competition. Is she funny? Not intentionally. But I do think she’s the sort of person who, once she gets in costume, she stays in character until DVD commentary? Yes. It’s long been understood she’s a perfectionist, so I’m not surprised that the idea of not knowing what’s going to happen moment to moment fills Valentina with crushing anxiety (hello, welcome to the club!), but that’s improv, baby!

Who among us does not enjoy a good courtroom-talk show moment? My biggest issue with these acting/improv challenges is my same issue with watching Instagram stories that aren’t pictures of friends pets or Lizzo giving advice, I went to film school. I had to sit through a lot of crappy student shorts in my day, and now, working in sketch comedy, had to sit through many improv shows that were mild-to-actually funny. Improv is hard, and very easy to do poorly.

Generally, I feel like I’ve paid my debt to improv comedy society and yet, here we are. Jersey Justice being served and whatnot. The biggest and best thing an RPDR improv challenge like this has going for it is the production value, and queens artistry in regards to physically creating characters out nothing more than a weak prompt. Something low budget theater, or a student film shot with loan money, is unable to compete with. Begrudging snaps.

Manila and Naomi are first, and they are the only team that doesn’t devolve into a physical fight, and honestly, is probably why they were objectively the best all-around. They had clear character motives, stayed in it, and had the most consistent jokes. Manila was the star, taking the cue, “look like a bitch…bitch”, in a literal interpretation I did not see coming.

Both of their looks were spot on and hilarious, elevated the humor to a deranged degree. But same critique as above for Naomi, she was not bad by a long shot, she even got a couple good jokes in, but she needed to come up to Manila’s energy level to land them both in the top two. If Naomi could’ve figured out what her equal of dipping into a mild dog bark was, they would’ve lip synced against each other, but who could’ve seen Monique coming? That prostitution Labrador.

From the second Monique literally bops into the courtroom, you’re laughing. Or at least, I was. Anastasia Ravioli Ragu is iconic, from her tiara to her leopard print, I can’t stop thinking about her calling out “objectify!” and her opening statement about the cake, “first of all, she put white people on it!”. Latrice swaggers in with all the sass of a discriminating bakery owner, but once things get underway, she might as well not be there. As Trinity would say, “where are the jokes?”.

Monet enters later as a hostile witness, and comes in hot. She starts strong with an exchange with Michelle, “you kiss your mother with that mouth?” “Yes, and my boyfriend”. But then Monet goes and gets lost in the sauce. The other key to improv, beyond saying yes, staying in character, and being funny, is to keep it short. Just like Valentina fell into this trap last week, the longer you talk, the less funny your joke becomes because it’s gotten harder to follow. Stick to funny, not cake throwing.

Trinity and Valentina do not begin with most promising of starts as Trinity almost immediately forgets her name, “Fisha Pice”, which is an alright joke anyway. Valentina’s look is probably my favorite of the Jersey bunch, but she eventually just ends up saying “bada-bing-bada-boom” a whole bunch like she watched Gotti recently. Again, this one wasn’t a laugh riot, but it was serviceable, until they too wound up rolling around the ground. Still better than “Tina and Nina” from Valentina’s season.

The next day in the werkroom, Latrice, sensing she may not of done as well as she had previously thought on the challenge, casually goes over to Trinity to sow her seeds her doubt. Intentional or not, and I don’t care because I’m a messy bitch who loves drama so long as it doesn’t directly involve me, mainline drama into my eyeball if you’ve gotta! Anyhoodle, Latrice asks Trinity if she forgot her name at the top her scene yesterday, which then kicks off a passive aggressive round of “who messed up the worst” that culminates in us learning sort of what we already knew (or at least, what I’d assumed), Latrice is so beloved, everyone was operating under the assumption that if she found herself in the bottom, no one would vote her off.

This is news to Trinity, whose logical and unemotional approach to this competition is truly something to aspire to in life, does not feel the same way. Now look, the way Valentina talks about Latrice as “the dearly beloved”, has a whiff of sportscasters getting hyperbolic about athletes who still play their sport and have the audacity to be over 23. Latrice isn’t dying, she’s in her prime! To talk about her like she’s some fragile dame is assuming she needs to be coddled and given handouts, and doesn’t need to be treated and judged in the same manner as everyone else. That bugs. I love Latrice and seeing her not shine in the way I am accustomed to sucks. But does that warrant a pass? Not really. I’m team Trinity here, you gotta judge queens by who did well that week, that’s as fair as it’s gonna get.

Onto the runway, where the category is: Swerves and Curves. Another week where VH1 and Emmy winner money looks stunning on Ru! Come get mother nature realness henny, it’s hot and ready.

Guest judges Erica Ash, who was very funny, and gave great critiques, despite Valentina’s personal feels, and Zoe Kravitz, who is so cool I think it’s illegal for me to make eye contact with her.

Manila’s Cruella DeVille meets Legally Blond didn’t really gag me with a swerve or curve, but it tied in nicely with her dog character from earlier. Edited to add, turns out it was her back up idea, as Ru and production deemed her original, and brilliant idea in “bad taste” (ISN’T THIS A DRAG COMPETITION???? Excuse me, my eyes rolled so far in the back of my head, I cannot see). People really be scared of period positivity, it happens to half the population, VH1, get over it! I digress, as is my wont. Moving on! Naomi, love her Real Stepford Wife of RPDR, and it’s nice to see her with a butt and hips! She is a WOMAN!

Trinity was swerved and curved from head to toe, this bitch is not playing one iota. Valentina’s interpretation was…different, but didn’t fit the category. It was fashion, I get it, I just didn’t see the curve, maybe the swerve was your expectation? Monique had a John Waters, brown cow stunning moment that delighted me to bits! This is what I picture when someone says padded for the gawds, yas ma’am! Latrice did look gorgeous, but when stacked up against other queens, did look the most basic out of everyone, a look she could pull off in her sleep, cinched or not. Monet aka Kenya Kardashian, it was fun and I mostly agree with Michelle that it was a pleasant surprise to see this look come to life, but I do wish it was less literal.

Manila and Monique are unsurprisingly the top for the week, and equally as unsurprisingly, Monet and Latrice are the bottom, and as soon as Manila enters the werkroom for deliberation, she bursts into tears. Honey, you are not the one going home! As Monique would say, “sis, I love you, but your crying annoys me”. I understand Latrice and Manila are besties, it’s adorable and I stan their friendship, but even if Manila had won the lip sync, she wouldn’t of sent her friend home so what is she in hysterics about? Is Manila taking telenova acting lessons from Valentina? I think the only person who has a real tough choice on their hands is Monique – she has send home one of her chosen teammates. Manila reality show curses herself by declaring she will win this for Latrice (because that went so well the first time), but mostly, she simply doesn’t have the power or control to make those sorts of outlandish claims to begin with.

I don’t think being in the bottom of this show makes you a bad or shitty drag queen, I think All Stars simply lives up to its name. These queens are successful off RPDR, and what makes them a star when they’re not in the werkroom doesn’t always translate to TV. So, if we’re playing by the rules of “beat the best to prove you’re the best”, well, keeping Latrice around would’ve been a bit of a Ro-Laska-Tox of a situation, now wouldn’t it?

Monique wins the lip sync, very deservedly, to Tina Turner’s “The Bitch is Back” (with a lil cameo from Sir Elton John!). Monique does the right thing, and the harder thing, of sending Latrice home. Again, acting as if we’ve banished Latrice to a life being a Gloria Swanson-like drag queen is to insult her talent. This isn’t the last time we’ll be seeing her, on this show, and in general.

With Jasmine, Farrah, Gia, and now Latrice gone, I think we’re starting to see who the toughest contenders for the crown are. Trinity, whose cold, dead, surgically enhanced hands you may have to pry the crown from. Followed closely by Manila, and Monique. They’ve consistently out worked everyone so far. Trinity and Monique are the most logical, clear headed decision makers, but you can’t take your eyes off Manila. She might stab you in the front at the very last second.

Valentina said it best and first, this isn’t give a girl a third chance race. It doesn’t roll off the tongue, but it is correct.

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