Welcome to All Stars 4, you janky whores! 2018 has had its problems, but any year where RuPaul deigns to give us two seasons of All Stars can’t be all bad. It’s been a while since I’ve recapped solo, but if there’s any show that would inspire me to proverbially step back in a windowless werkroom, much like these returning queens, it’d be RuPaul’s Drag Race.

What I like most about All Stars is, for better or worse, it’s very down to business. Because the queens have already gone through the meat grinder that is Drag Race once before (and we’re now onto our fourth iteration of this version of Drag Race), they come in hot, and also, extremely on brand. As we’ve seen on previous All Stars seasons, almost all the queens have “something to prove” since we saw them last. Sometimes they’re successful (Roxxxy Andrews), sometimes they’re very successful (Trixie), but most of the time they’re kind of a Phi Phi (not successful at all). Not like I’d expect anything less, but every All Stars season the queens come back fully leaning into the persona they’ve developed since their time on the show, especially the newer queens.

First to enter, and hopefully a good omen of things to come, is Monique Heart. Monique looks like she’s been booked and busy since her departure from season 10 if her updated wardrobe is any indication. Or, as she’d describe herself, she looks “brown cow stunning”. If you aren’t instantly charmed by Miss Heart than you better get the fuck outta here because we will not tolerate any hateration in the dancery in regards to Monique. We stan the heart of season 10 (and AS4).

Next to enter the werkroom is Trinity The Tuck, neé Trinity Taylor. Talk about embracing your brand. Sure, Gia will later shade her by saying tucking isn’t a real talent, but just ask the PA Trinity madeover during her season, it is number one under the “skills” section of her resume. Very interesting that the first two queens to enter happen to be the top two of the night, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

She’s got two legs and a heart, it’s Naomi Smalls! I rewatched Naomi’s season last month, and this whole business that’s not she’s funny or lacks a critical letter from the Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, or Talent acrostic is false. She one hundred percent has what it takes, and it’s not like she sleep walked her way to the top three during her season (*cough* PEARL *cough*), but if she doesn’t want to be called a “model” then she really has to remind others she’s more than just a tall bitch.

Back in the house with a new, not-pussy wig, it’s Miss Congeniality herself, Monet X Change! One would be lead to believe that Monet would take a page out of Monique’s book by stepping her lewks up, and yet, as her season 10 sister so eloquently put it, “a black jumpsuit..like a leotard? It’s not stunning”.

Next! Gia storms into the room like, hair, body, face – triple threat for ya! A out and proud trans woman now, it’s nice to see RuPaul make good on her walked back claims on who is and isn’t “allowed” to compete. I’d Gia also has a fourth threat, her viper tongue; Trinity put it succinctly: “Gia’s not the same person…she’s worse”. See: much meaner, and I’m here for a mean bitch in designer threads, natch.

During her time away from the show, Farrah finally realized what made her funny, so she’s going full blown GlamBenet Ramsey, as Shea Coulee sagely named her on their season. I do love her little Marilyn Monroe whine and Xtina influenced drag, and she seems more serious about winning than the first time around; (during the endless promo cycle leading up her season, the queens were asked what they wanted from the show, and the unanimous answer was “win” except Farrah, who said something along the lines of, “I just wanna have fun and make friends”. Post-Valentina feud, I hope she’s wised up that this remains Not RuPaul’s Best Friend Race). Interested to see how she fares without her emotional support friend Eureka.

The jush has come home to roost, Jasmine Masters is back and serving you Easter Auntie Realness, nice to see the Hillary Clinton pantsuit trend has reached Drag Race. Jasmine’s glow up since her appearance is undeniable, but will her off the cuff humor that makes her so popular on Twitter work here? As the endlessly quotable Monique later points out, “even Beyonce rehearses”. Jush indeed.

Ay dios mio, it’s Valentina! Dressed like Ariana Grande circa “Dangerous Woman”, immediately reminds us that she has something to say too, and it’s that she’s super aware she royally fucked up lip sync to “Greedy”. She is stating her mission the second she walks in; I can lip sync. Well bitch, I sure hope so, you’re a goddamn drag queen after all. I like a good opening statement, and I’m neutral on my feelings about Valentina, but good luck being a “villain” with Gia in the same room.

Latrice and Manila deserved a better entrance than a bizarre fake out acknowledging what a terrible idea teams was for AS1. But, they’re here! They’re legends! Get used to it! Anddd because All Stars is no bullshit, the library is open.

Basically everyone calls Farrah dumb, some in meaner (Gia) ways than others, and Farrah is still really bad at reads. Jasmine read Ru for their very similar suits, which is delight; Monique nearly has security called on her for reading Ru. But if it was any surprise who’d win the reading challenge, then I guess you’ve never seen season four! Latrice can read the house down, so it nice the queens were cool with being her opening act.

Our premiere episode maxi challenge is a talent show, but not just any old showcase of talent, one where they’ll be performing for LGBTQ veterans and service memebers. Thank you for your service, and how!

There’s a little interesting foreshadowing that happens while they get ready. One: Monet all but predicts Farrah’s slip and fall as she applies heel stoppers to her shoes as she says, “slipping and falling in front the judges is a career ender”, Monet, you ain’t wrong girl. Two: much to the dismay of Monique and Latrice, Jasmine informs them her comedy act will be more improv based, live-stream-of-consciousness jokes. It bares repeating here, even Beyonce rehearses, Jasmine!

Let’s get into this star spangled talent show gig. Monique sings her single “Brown Cow Stunning”, live, and kills the singing and dancing.

Naomi basically does a more fun, and accessible version of what Milk did last All Stars with an arguably catchier song. Naomi snatching her own wig was hilarious and unexpected exclamation point of an end.

Gia serves up a traditional dance complete with fans, kimonos, and cherry blossoms. Jasmine’s stand up set should’ve been about how Gia’s act was magic to her (it was also magical to me too).

Trinity, well, she did that. She took what Gia deemed to be not a talent (tucking) and made a standard tutorial on the art form into something funny and original. *snaps fingers*.

After Trinity though, the show kinda goes downhill, beginning with Farrah. Look, Roxxxy for all her faults, absolutely CRUSHED her burlesque number during her AS season, and while the props (Farrah comes out of a highlighter compact) and setting is cute, the fact that she couldn’t recover from her slip and fall is…not stunning. Nobody wants to watch a queen fight back tears when she’s supposed to be up there slaying.

“Oh no Monet!” was what I exclaiming when she got off to a rocky vocal start, but once her song kicks into high gear, it was mostly good, but to Gia’s point…“soak…what up?”. Fair.

Manila’s another queen who got off a slightly perplexing starting with her number, and editors did little work to make seem like she was fucking up, but ultimately it ended up being pretty impressive she could paint a still life, no matter how simple, UPSIDE DOWN. Also, I’m a sucker for a reveal. Brava, boo!

Jasmine, viral videos doth not a comedy routine make; Jasmine is an iconic drag queen, but – and this isn’t a hot or new take by any means – as we’ve seen before, there’s a difference between being good drag queen and being a successful one on Drag Race; it’s not as mutually exclusive as one may think.

What’s there to say to about Ms.Latrice? She gives us Mortal Kombat flag routine realness to her club banger of a song, “Excuse The Beauty”. Yas bitch, come over here and get your money!

Valentina’s lip sync was her redemption for “I’d rather leave it on” gate, she wants to be drag queen Selena and you know what? I stan the idea (better her play Selena in that upcoming Netflix show than Scarlett Johansson). Also, remember how Valentina is cast in the upcoming live Fox musical Rent? This performance made me curious and I fucking loathe musicals, specifically Rent because the (shitty) movie version came out when I was in high school and it was like choir and drama nerds came together to make you absolutely fucking sick and tired of every song before you even laid eyes on it. It’s also absurd to watch a bunch of high schoolers run around whining about how they’re not gonna pay rent, AS IF THEY KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.

Ugh. Anyway, I digress, I hate the musical Rent, but I don’t totally hate Valentina so I’m gonna keep my eye her on here and on that upcoming live musical. Lived for Jenifer Lewis’s reactions, found myself waiting for the camera to cut back to her so I could decide if the performance was good or not based on how into she was.

The tops and bottoms of the week shook out thusly: Monique and Trinity top; Farrah and Jasmine bottom. Trinity and Monique look visibly over both Farrah and Jasmine’s shit; Farrah has tears, Jasmine is incredibly laid back for a semi high stakes situation. As someone who is very confident she’d be eliminated episode one of any competitive reality show, I can see the merits of both Jasmine and Farrah’s reactions to the disappointing news. But Monique, only ever talking facts, wants to send them both home. Although there was very little fanfare or hand wringing over having to send one of their own home, it was hard to tell who had the advantage to stay.

If there is one thing we were truly blessed with during “All Star Super Queen Variety Show” it is in the form of a Mariah Carey lip sync. PRAISE HER! FUCKING FINALLY. Me and I’m sure every bar that has a Drag Race night rejoiced when we heard the opening bars of “Emotion”. THE PEOPLE WERE HEARD AND REWARDED WITH “CAUTION” AND HER DEBUT ON DRAG RACE. Beyond blessed. Anyway, these lip sync mavens were pretty neck-in-neck, and I thought Monique had it in the bag…until she lost her wig (again), and unfortunately, I think that’s what lost for her, even if the gif-able moment of a lone wig snatched in the rafters is hilarious by itself.

Mama Ru didn’t looked pleased. Trinity won probably based on the merit that no one knew her face was capable of different emotions. Jasmine ultimately went home, but this isn’t the last time we’ll see the meme queen, mostly because they usually bring back our fallen queens half way through to really activate the Stockholm Syndrome.

My name is Margaux Poupard and I have something to say about RuPaul’s Drag Race: All Stars 4, join me next week!

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