So, I have to start out by saying that I canceled my WWE Network subscription some months ago. I also stopped keeping tabs on both Raw and Smackdown, although I did keep up with what was going on. I am a casual WWE fan, but one that has been there since 1990, so I have seen WWE and the business through a number of ups and downs. But there is always one event that I tune into no matter what is going on, and that’s the Royal Rumble. This years event had to be good, not just for because it’s the start of the road to Wrestlemania, but because ratings for WWE shows are at some of the lowest points in many moons. The roster is light thanks in part to injuries, this strange continued push of Roman Reigns (fans still hate him) and the companies desire to ignore young talent that aren’t giants. So, did they hit a home-run, or did they stumble out of the gate? Let’s find out!
Kevin Owens vs Dean Ambrose – Last Man Standing Match
D.A: I hate you too!
There was no better way to kick off the Royal Rumble than having these two guys go at it. Both Owens and Ambrose know how to put on a pretty amazing match, and the pair really worked well of each other from beginning to end. As this was a Last Man Standing match for the Intercontinental Title (my favorite title) you could bet that things would ratchet up as the match went along; and boy did they! From Kendo Sticks, to half a dozen chairs, to tables in all sorts of precarious positions, these two men really did put their bodies on the line. Not only that, but both would have to return an hour or so later in the event to take part in the Royal Rumble match itself. Say whatever you will about scripted wrestling, being thrown through two tables stacked on top of each other from the top rope isn’t something you just walk off. Dean Ambrose managed to retain his title after putting owns through said tables, but I’m just not sure whats next for the IC division as I don’t see a lot of attention being paid to the division with all the problems WWE is having. Ambrose is ready for a World Title push after tonight, something he should have already had, especially since nearly the entire world hates Roman Reigns. Great match with lots of memorable spots!
The New Day vs. The Usos (Tag Team Title Match)
Without The New Day in the mix, the entire Tag-Team division would be an utter joke. I mean, how many times are we going to see this match up happen before WWE fixes this division with some fresh blood. It’s starting to feel like WWE is pushing any character(s) that are related to The Rock in some fashion in the hopes to recapture that lighting in a bottle magic of the past. Aside from a new horn and some humorous bits from The New Day, the match was pretty bog standard. Some solid back and forth and pop culture references made it a decent match. New Day win the match and retain the tag titles with no other team really ready to offer up a real challenge. Looks like this New Day and Uso thing will continue for a bit longer.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Kalisto (US Title Match)
I really love Alberto Del Rio. After being over at Lucha Underground he made a huge return to WWE to win the United States Titles from John Cena. The man has never looked better (he looks more fit than when he was WWE Champion) but as these things go, once his pop ended the company had no idea how to use him. Kalisto represents the lucha brand, but as was the case with Sin Cara, these guys just can’t seem to ever put on a clean match. The David and Goliath match-up is always fun, but when there are enough botched spots to fill an episode of Botchamania, you know the division is in trouble. It wasnt just some little slip ups, but Kalisto botched a number of big spots, so much so that the announce team had to mention them. Del Rio looked great, but now that he is in The League of Nations (a team that is full of wrestlers WWE has no ideas what to do with) he will get lost down the card once again. Kalisto wins the match, because why not. Del Rio carried him the entire match.
Charlotte vs. Becky Lynch (Divas Championship)
I am the biggest Becky Lynch mark in the universe. I don’t know what it is about her, but I love watching her perform. I wasn’t a huge fan of seeing Charlotte go heel, but it made sense and she has been sliding into that role pretty well, especially with her farther in her corner. The Divas Revolution nearly died out before it even got started, but these two ladies showed just how far the division has come. I know it’ll never happen, but I’d really love to see them drop that stupid Divas belt and bring a return to the Women’s Title belt. The match itself was a lot of fun and the fans seemed genuinely engaged, instead of the bathroom breaks of the past. Some solid wrestling was on display with a few neat spots throughout. As expected, Lynch lost thanks to the interference of Ric Flair (twice even!) but the really pop of the match came when Sasha Banks came out and take of Charlotte to set up their eventual match for Wrestlmania. I’m positive that Becky Lynch will get the belt around her waist in the near future as she is the babyface that the division needs, but until then we will have some bad girls duke it out.
Royal Rumble Match
Roman Reigns kicks it off at number one, so it’s safe to say that he won’t leave with the title (unless WWE is crazy) but the bigger question is just who will spotlight at Wrestlemania. We didn’t have to wait long for the moment of the night, as AJ Styles (the last big name to never set foot in a WWE ring) earned the number three spot in this Rumble. We all knew he was coming, but I would have loved to see him come in late and win the whole thing to build a match for Wrestlemania. Wishful thinking as WWE never seems to know what to do with new guys other than making them lose. The crowd went absolutely nuts for AJ Styles so many times throughout the match that I lost track. Let the current stories finish out and I bet you the AJ Styles becomes the face of the company. The next 10 or so entrants were nothing special, with no surprises from the past coming out (Jericho doesn’t count).
What was surprising was just how long fat Jericho managed to last, coming in a 6 and making it right up to the end. The only thing of interest was the entire clan of the Wyatt Family ruling the ring for a good portion of the rumble. The worst thing, and the one that nearly ruined the event was The League of Nations coming out and pulling Roman Reigns from the ring and working him over. Rusev puts him through the announce table and the paramedics come out and escort him from the match. Are you kidding me? Do you really expect us to believe that Roman Reigns the “hurt” when Kevin Owens went through three tables, multiple chairs, and a dozen kendo stick shots, but your champion can’t function after going through the Spanish announce table. Oh, and why always the Spanish announce table, guys? The French have a nice table too!
The next ten or so entrants come out and all the while Roman Reigns is probably sitting in the green room. Hey, WWE, you are doing a piss poor job making your champ look, well, like a champ. This also means that we don’t get to see the Reigns Lesnar rematch during the rumble match. Instead, Lesnar throws out a bunch of people only to be eliminated by the returning Wyatt family, no doubt setting something up. Oh, and by something, I mean Bray Wyatt losing, as that seems to be his specialty during big matches. After Lesnar exits the fans really have no idea who to root for other than AJ Styles. Oh, he gets eliminated too? Well, shit. Wait, we still have Dean Amrose in this thing! Yes, a push toward Wrestlemania with two belts around his waist; that’s something I can get behind! That only leaves entrant number 30, and this is where the shit really hits the fan. Pulling number 30 is none other than Triple H… That’s right, the current “boss” that last one a Royal Rumble in 2002, the guy who could barely handle the aging Sting at later years ‘Mania, the guy that is the complete opposite of fresh young talent, that’s the guy at 30. Oh, and why not let him win the whole thing because we really needs at 14th championship.
Fuck this, fuck you, fuck your network, I’m out.
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