I spent all day –14 hours– on the road driving up and down California doing stuff, so if I sound bitter during this recap that’s the reason; also the whiskey… Mostly the whiskey.
Opening Bit
We are recapping the feud with Rollins and Sting –just give the man the belt, he’s like 800 years old– and while silly, it sure is a lot of fun to watch. Hell, it’s going to keep me paying that $9.99 for the WWE Network after SummerSlam.
We start with Authority coming down to the ring and getting RAW started with this year’s season premiere. Wait, doesn’t WWE work their Superstars 7 days a week 360 days a year? I say 360 so they get a bit of a break and can see a doctor. Whatever.
Look, last week I poked fun about the length of Rollins and his bit, but The Authority is out here literally explaining what RAW is like I’m watching the god damn TV Guide channel. Listen ding-bats, I know how RAW works. Also, Triple H almost said WWE when referencing WCW and Sting. Well, at least we know that Sting is wrestling tonight against Big Show in a sort of classic WCW throwback. Triple H screams at us if we are ready… Listen dicks, we were ready 10 minutes ago when you started talking gibberish.
Thank god The New Days comes out to save the show. To save the WWE. I say this because they get The Authority to dance like a bunch of children in the ring with them. Thank you New Day. Bless your hearts.
The New Day vs. Prime Time Players (Tag-Team Title Match)
I like the Prime Time Players, as a tag-team and as people, but The New Day is just too damn hilarious that if they don’t hold they belts for a good long time, I’ll be very disappointed. The Prime Time players never lost their titles by pinfall, so this rematch will give The New Day a chance to win cleanly to justify their titles.
Tag-Teams aren’t always known for being huge dudes, more often than naught being smaller, quicker, and more high-flying(ey?). Still, I do like seeing the big guys toss each other around across the four corners of the ring.
“Oh, no, Darren! What happened to Darren!”
The New Day takes control with a little outside distraction concert. I really think that every wrestler needs their own personal sound man to follow them out to the ring and liven things up.
*Commercial Break*
We return with Big-E stalking Darren Young with the help of the Pink Panther theme, of which Bradshaw loves. It’s been all New Day this match, mostly thanks to the help of having a third man helping out with that fantastic soundtrack. The crowd spontaneously breaks out into a, “Let’s go New Day. New Day rocks!” chants.
Titus makes his way into the ring and does what he does best; clear the ring of everyone. He proceeds to turn Kofi into spaghetti via a number of back breakers, but as Kofi wasn’t the legal man, Titus ends up getting pinned out of nowhere. The Dudley Boyz them come out and do a lot of yelling and chanting, “Get the tables,” in the form of the The New Day theme.
Match Rating: Good match
Paige vs Sasha Banks
The so-called Divas Revolution continues. I guess revolution means getting two Divas matches on RAW in a single night! It’s a good start and I’m okay with watching anything Paige is involved in, at least with regards to in-ring action.
This is a tough match for me to get really enjoy as I really enjoy both of these Superstars. We are watching a match with two wrestlers that would be infinity better as Champion than any Bella. Unfortunately neither one of these ladies are married into the WWE family.
Things head outside the ring after Sasha takes a nasty tumble onto her head. After a quick check-up, Paige dives off the apron and missed, landing on her back. Sasha hits her submission finisher and Paige ends up tapping after a ho-hum sort of match.
Match Rating: Ho-hum match
Miz TV bit
(No picture, just imagine the douchiest person you can then multiply that by 10)
“Welcome to…”
The crowd was supposed to say Miz TV, but they clearly don’t give two shits about Miz or his shitty time-wasting show. It’s no Piper’s Pit, no Barbershop, hell, it’s the worst onscreen bit the WWE has. I guess it only makes sense as The Miz needs to do something to keep his job.
This way was a Champion at one point people! WWE has come a long way back up the ladder.
Miz is talking to Bray (someone please take me seriously this time) Wyatt. His two lackeys Trucker Steve and new guy that misses every leg day.
This is stupid…
Dean Ambrose (now demoted to help push Reigns) and Roman Reigns come down to stare lovingly into the Wyatt families eyes.
This is even MORE stupid…
Ambrose and Reigns has found a secret partner. The only way this match would be interesting is if The Rock was their partner.
The bit ends and I drink enough to worry my family…
WWE plays some classic Sting footage that explains how he beat Rick Flair for the title in 1990 with a small package. Wrestling really has come a long way.
*Commercial Break*
John Cena vs Sheamus
This is the match between two Superstars that are so “blah” that it’s almost painful. Look, they are both great in the ring, but something out each of these guys just smells of boring. What is great is that this match really confuses the audience as they don’t know who to fake root for.
Can you believe that its been years since these two have faced off on RAW? They used to have something an interesting rivalry with Sheamus beating Cena for the WWE title when they were both a thing.
Wait… What?
The match in underway for 3 minutes and one two moves before we drop to commercial. I guess WWE even knows that this match is stupid.
*Commercial Break*
We return and the slow match continues to roll along like two old-timers racing for the last set of denture paste at the local Walgreen’s. Cena lands the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Sheamus survives only to get hit with a DDT. Sheamus counters and AA and locks in a very half-assed submission. Was that the Cloverleaf?
Sheamus gains control for a bit, but gets caught in a submission. He makes it to the ropes, but Cena lands 10 big slaps just like Sheamus did to him. The crowd begins to chant, “Cena sucks” to the tune of New Day Rocks. It’s glorious.
Things now really pick up with some big moves. Cena face-plants Sheamus in some sort of weird on-shoulder maneuver. Sheamus get caught in another submission, but powers from the floor and drops Cena and pulls a rolling senton. It’s damn impressive! It’s not enough though, as Cena lands the AA and wins the match.
Match Rating: Hawktastic
Cut to Nikki Bella doing some really weird and terrible warm-ups. Immediately cut to commercial.
*Commercial Break*
We return to Ryback pacing around like a goof and working on his mic skills.
It’s not working.
It’s so bad that JBL is talking over him now. Ha!
Kevin Owens interrupts Ryback, after no doubt eating a small child. Someone has indeed been feeding him more!
Also, buy the book The Secret.
For how silly this all is, Owens is spot on as The Secret is idiotic trite that the masses gobble up to make themselves feel better. Owens is now my favorite wrestler.
This bit feels like a conversation you would see in front of one of those Las Vegas all you can eat buffets.
*Commercial Break*
Stardust vs Neville
I’m a big fan of Neville, but he looks like an idiot wearing that child sized cape. Still, Stardust is the best villain that the WWE has right now.
Umm… what the fuck just happened?
The match randomly ends after what feels like 30 seconds and two moves. Da Faq!
Match Rating: Goldshit
Nikki Bella promo airs because WWE wants us so bad to like Nikki as an actual competitor. She even says that she is more than arm candy, while keeping her title by being arm candy. Look, she’s going to win tonight because she is WWE family. Whatever.
*Commercial Break*
Charlotte vs Nikki Bella
I know this is about Charlotte, but why is Paige in her street clothes? She was wrestling a little while ago in her full gear? Whatever.
Nikki walks down the ramp and lets us know that she has been champion for 265 days and only wrestling 6 time! I kid, I kid. Charlotte is going to lose, but it’s nice to see her get first big push for a title of which she more than is talented enough to have.
Charlotte is in full control from the start and clearly showing how talented she really is. Her move-set is damn impressive, not just for a Diva, but for wrestler in general. Nikki just looks so amateur in comparison and the crowd knows it.
“Nikki sucks!”
Nikki gains a brief advantage and the crowd lets their feelings about it be known.
*Commercial Break*
We are back, and Charlotte is struggling after Nikki Bella worked on her arm. Charlotte is of course just fine, but she needs to give Nikki a breather on the mat. We know this because she lifts Nikki off the mat from a dead weight and slams her in half. She has already shown that she is better than the champ, even if she won’t win clean.
This feels a little weird to type, but this match is a little odd with the camera work. These ladies have shorts so small that whenever they bend down and take things to the mat the camera crew goes nuts changing to every possible angle other than their rear ends. I can only imagine the screaming going on in the broadcast truck.
Holy shit! Haha!
After some randomness and interference, Brie (the Bella that wrestles even less that the Champion one) rolls into the ring and Charlotte pins her instead of Nikki, because you know, twins. This is fine and all, but Stephanie comes out to set things right. Again, fine, but there is one big problem with all this…
At SummerSlam we had a similar issue — although no title on the line– when Brock made Taker tap and the ref didn’t see it causing Taker to reverse and force Brock to tap for the win. Triple H didn’t come out then to “set things right” for the men’s division so to speak. Sure, it’s not quite the same, but I’m drunk and this match basically derailed the entire Divas Revolution. Whatever.
Match Rating: Divas Debacle
Rusev vs Cesaro
The Cesaro section does indeed keep growing JBL, mostly because WWE keeps passing out shitty pieces of paper with that printed on them…
Cesaro is still the most talented wrestler on the WWE roster, even though WWE won’t let him win a match since he was forced back into singles competition. This man should have been a World Champion multiple times over by now. One day he will get the push he deserves.
For a match that is clearly a warm-up match Rusev for Night of Champions, Cesaro is showing him a thing or two. The match continues until Ziggler comes down and starts messing about with Summer Rae outside the ring giving her a gift box. This of course distracts Rusev and Cesaro takes advantage and gets the win.
Sure, it’s not a clean win, but as a Cesaro mark, I’ll take it.
Dolph lands a Superkick to Rusev in the ring and Cesaro is aghast in shock!
Match Rating: 5 Confused Rusev Faces Out of 5
Sting vs Big Show
This is throwback to some classic WCW action which is also nice to see. For Sting’s first match on RAW it nice to see the love here. Both of these guys are pretty old, but there is a lot of respect here and they will no doubt be helping each other out.
We get a Stinger Splash –pretty weak looking in 2015– and the match ends in a DQ when Rollins comes out. Cena then rolls out to save Sting from both and they clear the ring. This is usually bullshit, and it is, but it is nice to see Sting side by side with Cena. Not even Sting can get Cena over. Haha!
The Authority come out and make the match a Tag-Team match because they are old, so why not.
*Commercial Break*
We come back to seeing Cena clearly botching a punch to the Big Show. He missed bu a mile, guys. The two go about their fun and Cena tries to bodyslam the Big Show no no avail. He can only do that during Championship matches I guess.
Rollins gets the tag and continues to work Cena over, until he gets tossed over the top to the mat. Sting is still on the ropes waiting for death to come… Err, for the tag. Big Show is back in and Cena once again tries to take him up because Cena is of course an idiot.
Rollins comes back in and Cena keeps getting worked over so that when Sting comes in to clear the ring he will get a bigger pop. It’s no been minutes and multiple tag and Cena is still in the ring getting beat up. Is Sting hurt or something? Did he miss a few does of Centrum Silver?
Big Show finally goes to the top rope which can only mean he’s going to miss; which he does. Cena makes the tag and as I predicted, Sting cleans house. Big Show comes in for the save and Cena magical now has THE POWER to lift Big Show. It’s like magic!
Sting gives a Scoprion Death Drop to Rollins and follows up with the Scorpion Death Lock. He gets the Scorpion Death Win thanks to that and the match ends. A nice little warm-up match for Sting to no doubt clean out some of the cobwebs.
Match Rating: Scorpion Death Win
Thanks for reading another slightly drunk RAW Recap.
See you all at Night of Rollins Champions!
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