The RAW Recap is back on GAMbIT! The events of SummerSlam are still reverberating within the WWE universe, so let’s see how things are playing out, especially with regards to everyone’s favorite boy, Seth Rollins.
Opening Bit
Rollins comes out and proves his value on the mic. Sure, he is special, –how so is debatable– but having both the US and Heavyweight belts is strange. It really feels like the WWE is in a weird transitional phase with their Superstars to have Rollins holding both belts. The SummerSlam bookings may not have been the best, but WWE is doing a good job of setting up Rollins for Night of Champions. The problem here is does anyone really think Sting is going to win the title at a PPV like Night of Champions?.
I know it’s the one belt that’s eluded him in his career, and I’m a huge Sting mark myself, but I just don’t see him winning it this way, if he ever wins it at all. The man is a legend, but he’s in WWE as a sort of farewell tour to fans. Rollins is still talking on the mic about whatever while the crowd chants “Boring!” and I’m starting to think that they need to fill time -Probably because the roster is so weak to show actual wrestling.
Oh, god, he’s still talking…
Really weird crow soundbite happens and Sting shows up on the big screen. God, I love hearing Sting on the mic, but we all know he’s at home relaxing and not in the arena.
Sheamus, Mr. He Looks Stupid, comes down the aisle and this bit just will not end. The crowd of course keeps making fun of Sheamus –wait until the see him in the new TMNT film– and the bit keeps getting long in the tooth. Still, he threatens to cash in Money In The Bank at Night of Champions which would be an interesting trio of matches in a singe night.
The bit finally ends after what feels like forever.
*Commercial Break*
Oh, god… after we get back from break Rollins is still on my television…
Paige Vs. Sasha Banks
The Divas Revolution continues, just not with the Divas belt in any threat because WWE want to erase AJ Lee’s title reign length. Look, the Bella’s are fine enough, but with so much talent coming in from NXT, you can really see their limitations. Still, Paige and Sasha are putting on a really solid match and either one of them would make a better title holder to break AJ Lee’s record. But we all know that won’t happen as neither of them are married into the WWE royalty. Yeah, I just went there.
The commercial break seems to have taken up a good chunk of the match, but the they are still tossing each other around. Divas Revolution or not, the Divas division has been stepping up their game by leaps and bounds. It wasn’t all that long ago when Kelly Kelly was the be all end all in that sad division. I enjoy watching Paige because she is solid on the mat, but also isn’t afraid to take some good looking bumps.
The crowd is now chanting, “This is awesome,” but just as the crowd is starting to get into the match it all comes to and end. We get some sort of reverse roll-up, but I never know how those things work. It just ends up looking like a double three-count since both Superstars have their shoulders on the mat. Still, WWE has pacing issues with these Divas matches and that can be clearly seen with how tonight’s match ended.
The Ascension Vs. Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns (The SHIELD lite)
I’m getting major Legion of Doom vibes from The Ascension, and that’s not such a band thing. I really like Ambrose, –perfect for that United States Title– but this team-up with Reigns seems more about getting Roman Reigns over with the crowd than anything else. I have no issues with Reigns aside from him being a bit boring behind the mic, but whatever WWE tries with this guy, it just always seems to fall flat with the crowd.
Still, this match is pretty intense with Ambrose flying all over the place. Ambrose nails the Dirty Deeds after a helpful Spear from Reigns and the match ends very quickly. So much for The Ascension, but this new team of Ambrose and Reigns really needs a name if it’s going to continue.
We then get a “spooky” bit from Wyatt that fails to scare. It’s not that it couldn’t work, it’s just that WWE has made him lose so many matches of the last year that it’s hard to take him as a serious threat now, even though he’s a fantastic wrestler and character.
This match is so damn short probably due to the fact that Rollins took up so much of the first act…
*Commercial Break*
We get a Ryback bit before the next match, but I just can;t get into this guy. He’s much better on the mic now, but it still always seems like he’s reading cue cards just off camera when he’s backstage. Kevin Owens shows up to get in Ryback’s head, but he;s so damn close that you know he was just standing there the whole time waiting for the camera to pan out. So weird.
WWE is now turning into TMZ by trying to turn this love angle into “A thing” which is pretty hilarious. This isn’t what anyone of us what, but since Total Divas is such a big thing for the company we are now getting this reality angle now to draw those fans in. Whatever.
Oh, look at that, we get a commercial break with Total Divas as the out bumper. Who would have guessed!
Ryback Vs. Seth Rollins – IC Title Match
Feed me more (testosterone)!
You know, there is no way that Rollins is going to win this match tonight. Yes, it would be cool to see it happen, but him defending three titles at Night of Champions would just be insane. They would have to rename the PPV to Night of Seth Rollins if he does find a way to win.
Ryback has been sitting in the mid-card for a while now, so this match just feels like filler, especially when Rollins and his two belts. This is what I mean with WWE not having a real direction for the future at this point. Ryback is fine enough, but he just doesn’t suit me personally as that great of an Intercontinental Champion.
Ryback is indeed a beast in the ring, but his move-set is just so damn limited. He stick Rollins into a suplex and just holds him in the air for what seems like an eternity. They had to take a minute to figure out what’s next as Ryback probably forgot with that thick skull of his. Yeah, jokes, I got them in spades.
Rollins turns things around on the outside by reversing Ryback into the post and then following up with a toss into the steel steps. Since these were two moves in a row, we cut to a commercial so Ryback can recover from all the action as he can only comprehend three moves in a row.
*Commercial Break*
We are back with Rollins on the back of Ryback and him converting to a nice neck-breaker. Another three moves and Rollins sticks Ryback into a sleeper so he can once again catch his breath. Rollins goes for a flying knee that ever so gently graces Rybacks head. Ryback does turn things around and and tosses Rollins around –Ryback is a beast, just a vert boring one– with some impressive mat work. After all the engery expended Ryback can only pull the two-count and heads to the top rope. He of course misses, because big guys only go high so they can fall flat on their faces.
Things go back and forth for a while until Ryback nails him and sets up for his finisher. He nails the Meathook, but Rollins reverses it because he’s the champ and can hear the crowd chanting. Sting then gets back on the jumbo to distract Rollins to great success as Ryback wins via a roll-up, the second sort of win of the night.
Rollins loses a match that matters little, if only to help push Ryback into a future World Title contention. Sting once again shows up with the foam… Err, “Real” statue to get into the head of Rollins. Kind of cheesy, but this is where we are at with storylines in the WWE. It all feels very WCW in a way, and not the good WCW. It calls to mind the WCW that saw Robocop rescue Sting from a cage with rubber bars. Yeah.
*Commercial Break*
–Can I just say that these Truth anti-smoking ads are really lame. I this close to taking up smoking because of how bad they are–
We are back with more Rollins being Rollins, but this time it’s okay because New Day is there and they are great, especially with that Final Fantasy trombone line! These guys are what wrestling needs right now, even if If it took me a bit to get over with them.
Edge and Christian make an appearance and make Rollins look like a baby. He leaves and we get a battle with New day and the boys which is really funny, even if it ends with Big E eating a Kazoo! The Dudley Boys enter the picture and we find out the they will face the winners of next weeks tag match at Night of Champions.
Get the tables! Get the tables! Get the tables!
*Commercial Break*
We are back with an event that WWE says has “Caught the worlds attention.” I don’t know if my TV is on the fritz but everyone onscreen looks really orange.
“Can Lana and Dolph’s relationship last?” I don’t know, but I along with the rest of the WWE Universe don’t really give a shit. I’m getting a glass of whiskey will the amateur hour acting real finishes up.
I can hear cheap Cinemax bullshit happening as I mix this drink. This whiskey has better acting chops that what’s on screen right now.
I keep forgetting that we are watching a wrestling show.
Man, that went down smooth. What was I talking about? Rusev auditioning for a future WWE movie? Maybe behind enemy lines 12?
Dolph and Rusev yell about a woman or something and Dolph lands a Superkick because oh course he does.
*Commercial Break*
-How many matches have there been in the last hour and a half?-
Randy Orton Vs. Sheamus
I wonder if those voices in Randy’s head are telling him to retire yet? I kid, I kid, but let’s face it, WWE isn;t going to slap any more World Titles on him for fear of breaking any records. He;s there to push over new talent and that’s a respectable thing, and something I like seeing from other experienced guys. Tonight he is once again taking on Sheamus, because reasons.
Not really sure why Sheamus has Money In The Bank as I always thought that as something to really get a wrestler over during the year. Sheamus doesn’t need yet another push, but what do I know. The two big men are flopping around the ring while the crowd seems more concerned with their phones than to interact with the match. These two guys can wrestle, but they both seem so bored in the ring.
“You look stupid!”
And with that chant the match comes to a screeching halt so Sheamus can get on the mic to complain for the slowest 10 count in history. Randy gets him back inside and the match gets underway again, but Sheamus once again slides to the outside to vent about something. Randy takes a big hit to the outside and Sheamus rolls back in and demands the ref make the ten count. We cut to a commercial so the ref can start his count which will probably end at 8 once this three minute commercial break ends.
*Commercial Break*
We return to more arm shots and boots. It’s a pretty standard match that feels like it’s going on forever. This isn’t a good things when the last idiotic segment felt like it last 40 days and nights. We get some back and worth with Sheamus going off the top, but the crowd still isn’t feeling things all that much.
The crowd chants “RKO” not becuase they love Randy, but more so so that they can see this match come to an end. No dice as Sheamus locks in the Cloverleaf looking for the submission. Randy makes the ropes and Sheamus gets even more pissed at everything. Orton goes high because that doesn’t require leg work at all, but he does slam Sheamus with a huge suplex. He converts into a nice DDT off the ropes and Randy sets up for the RKO but gets caught and Sheamus finishes, but can’t get the three-count even after his White Noise.
“You look stupid!”
RKO out of nowhere! Wait, can an RKO really come out of nowhere when he went for it three times just prior to finally landing it? Randy gets a good win with an RKO clearly out of where we expected it.
The Wyatt family then comes out and beats up Randy because they probably don’t like the cut of his jib or something. The reason they beat up Randy Orton is to set up a future match that they can add to their loss records.
The crowd is apathetic to this whole thing.
The new face of fear is sort of like the old face of fear. Not so much scary, more so that we can probably expect them to get a push only to end up losing every match and fall down into the mid-card once again. God, I feel like a bitter asshole right now. That means it’s time for another glass of grown-up juice!
*Commercial Break*
The Dudley Boyz Vs. Los Matadores
We are back with the Dudley Boyz! I love nostalgia as much as the next guy, but if the D-Boyz are back in WWE that means WWE has little faith in their Tag-Team division. The two are still fun to watch, but like I said before, WWE is in a weird transitional phase in their ranks.
The match gets some serious pops with the Dudley Boyz getting the fine in what feels like under 5 minutes. El Torito gets rocked by his own team because they are assholes. This sets up the Dudley Boyz to come back and comes for the save. They boyz set up a table and do what they do best. It’s a nice flashback, but I feel like the boyz aren’t quite at their prime as this was essentially a squash match. We shall see at Night of Champions.
Cesaro Vs. The Miz
I still think Cesaro has gotten the shaft and I’m still waiting for his bump into title contention. Maybe I’m the only one left that thinks that, but he has some of the best in-ring work from anyone working right now. Hell, if The Miz could hold the WWE Title, then Cesaro can.
Cesaro starts of strong and shows why he’s a monster in the ring. It’s too bad he doesn’t fit the huge guy look that WWE seems to like. The Cesaro section is once again in full force as he continues to work The Miz over. Cesaro is a big guy in his own right, but he is also just as agile with a litany of moves in his wrestling book. Just as the match heats up with some goof back and forth the Big Show comes out to chase The Miz.
The match ends in a DQ because fuck you if you wanted to see the one guy of the night that can actually wrestler, wrestle. Screw you Mix, screw you Big Show, screw you WWE. The crowd seems to be with me as it’s dead silent while this all goes down.
*Commercial Break*
–Where’s my drink! Oh, that’s right It’s just me here yelling at adult men get sweaty with each other on the TV. Wait, that came out wrong. Shit.
Nikki Bella is on my TV now talking about being a terrible wrestler or something. Something probably about not having defended her title in some 70 days. The crowd hates all of this.
Bella, Bella, Bella.
Thank god for Charlotte coming out and making this semi entertaining. Charlotte is a beast whenever she’s on screen and I love every second of it. Just standing there she makes Bella look so small and weak. Looks like there will be a match next Monday to break the possible Bella record. Odds are it won’t happen, but a boy can dream.
*Commercial Break*
–Waiter! More scotch, or whatever–
John Cena & The Primetime Players Vs. The New Day & Seth Rollins
I love how the crowd has written their own “John Cena Sucks” lyrics to his theme song. John Cena is a really decent human being, but it’s just so damn funny to hate on him. This is a four on four match which always means the odds of botching something is strong with this one.
Cut to graphics, we got a crazy guy on the walkway! Cena gets really protective over his guys in the ring as security escorts my douche-nozzle out of the area. I still think he sucks, but he’s a class act!
New Day Rocks! Chants break out from the crowd and The New Day horn line. The New Days has a ton of energy that is just so damn infectious. They are classic wrestling when things were about silly characters and having a lot of fun. Good for them! They deserve a drink.
Big E is toying with Cena in the ring as the crowd is finally waking up tonight. John Cena is down and Rollins comes in to take advantage of the opportunity, only to keeps tagging out working on Cena. I usually hate guys on the outside screaming and what not, but The New Day do it in such a fun way that you can;t help but love them. The addition of the trombone, especially in conjunction with in-ring moves is something that just makes me smile -something that I never do. I’m serious, just ask my non-existent girlfriend.
“It’s true he’s kind of a dick.”
*Commercial Break*
Cena is still stuck in the ring as the match goes on. The New Day have some serious pipes! I’d lose my voice after yelling like that. Also, I love that Bradshaw thinks the Final Fantasy victory theme is a charge theme. The New Day is the best thing to happen to Final Fantasy in years.
Xavier Woods is my spirit animal.
Cena continues to get destroyed in the ring. He has yet to make a tag to any of The Primtime Players. Hate him all you want, but he can take a beating for the cameras. Cena finally makes the tag to Titus and he of course cleans house. Rollins tries to get out but is caught on the apron by Daren Young. Cena and Rollins are the only ones left in the ring as Cena puts of the STFU, but Rollins makes the tag to Kofi.
Cena catches Kofi and lays him out with an AA for the easy three-count. Pretty solid match for the night, but the rest of the show was pretty much a dud.
Everything ends and we get more Sting on the jumbo. Looks like he was in the building after all. We get the lights turned on and see Sting push the bronze (it’s plastic) statue get pushed into a trash truck by Sting who then destroys it.
Rollins gets all butt hurt, but the crowd is already leaving the building from a lackluster night.
See you next week for Raw in Nashville Tennessee!
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