Strap in everyone, there are only two episodes left of Lindsay and we’ve been lied to, things don’t get better.
Pro tip: When you want to let the world know you’re in a really great in place in life, film yourself crying and smoking on the floor of your apartment. Lohan has taken to shooting her own footage, presumably Amy Rice can’t lock her down for any semblance of a production schedule. Basically, it’s an Instagram video with a bigger budget.
But why so sad LiLo? Is it because we can’t tell if she’s wearing white leggings or if her legs are really that white? Is it because her Mom is writing an autobiography, with a heavy emphasis on the Lindsay? Cause, let’s face it, Lohan’s by proxy fame is the only thing probably keeping Dina alive. We never really find out but let’s go with the last one.
Lindsay reads us a bit of, My Journey by Dina Lohan before the ghost writer asks her some bush league questions. The attempted moments of “honesty” here are strained at best, only indicated by the swelling of emotional music. We get it, it was like, hella traumatizing when Lohan’s Father was arrested on her first day of filming The Parent Trap. But if you’re going to blame where you are in life now because of something that happened fifteen years ago, your sixth attempt at progress is seriously lacking.
Speaking of, how does one earn extra cash when you’re fresh outta rehab? Go collect an appearance fee at Foxwoods Casino for a Halloween Party, helloooooooo. Inviting her brother along for the contractual obligation, they don’t even seem related. Michael Lohan Jr. has it together, convincingly telling camera that he’s well aware the next relapse could be Lindsay’s last. Yet she’s still in da club, surrounded by alcohol. Good job, team!
Through all this, Lindsay manages to book a shoot with Elle Indonesia. Not happy with solely alienating everyone in the U.S.
She’s meant to be the cover story of Elle’s March anniversary issue and the editor has hired a natural light photographer for the task, first mistake. “Everyone deserves a second chance”, don’t worry Dita (the Elle editor who flew 27 hours to shoot and interview Lohan), you’ll be eating your own words shortly.
Day of the shoot and the call time is 12:30PM, by 3PM Lohan sends over a cohort with her totally deepest condolences, “don’t hate me” some chick in Uggs relays with “heart” from a text Lohan instructed her to read to the jet-lagged fashion editor. Apparently Lohan was up late “working” last night, can’t make it. Matt and his receding hairline tell us the project Linds was on is “covert”, can’t share – it’s The Avengers, isn’t it? JK, that’s assistant talk for partying. And/or more crying into the camera while smoking thoughtfully.
Dita, understandably frustrated at the wasted day, walks off camera with her mic pack is still on. Speaking with Elle crew in Indonesian, Dita calls Lindsay a bitch several times – what was that about deserving second chances? Thankfully the uh-duh exchange is subtitled. They agree to reschedule the shoot for Sunday, Dita still confident it’ll all work out. Lindsay explains her absence on the Elle shoot to cam-er-ahhh saying it’s not her fault, guyz. She’s a night owl, she loves to dance! She want to be social, don’t cage up this free bird, she’s not drinking. It doesn’t even bug her if she’s around alcohol, because recovery. Or something.
Alrighty, whatever you say.
The morning of the rescheduled Elle shoot, Lindsay wisely uses production budget to film herself and four Russians at the end of a bender. Like you do the day before a big shoot…at 7:21am.
They play Dare, which in Russian translates to, piercing a dudes ear with a knife. Really, is this what famous 27 year olds do? She manages to show up on time-ish, recounting her weird morning/night to the make up guys – if I were them, I’d be alarmed…
After five frantic wardrobe changes, they run out of natural light and Lohan, being the professional photographer and all, tells them the pictures will be a million times better if they shoot her walking home. Small problem, she’s paparazzi bait and they’re already waiting for her outside, making it impossible to shoot. Poor Matt gets to reason with some douchebag pap while Lindsay continues to ruin this Elle shoot, and it’s still not over, having to tack on a 3rd day of shooting.
FOUR DAYS LATER – the shoot resumes.
The location of the shoot moves to Lohan’s apartment, by 3:45PM Lindsay still isn’t ready and they lose natural light AGAIN. The documentary crew sets up lights for them on her balcony. Everyone is trying to hide their professional disappointment, all the clothes have been returned, and Lindsay graciously (not) offers up her insane wardrobe. Though she feels entitled to complain that she’s “co-styled” many of her magazine shoots, uncredited. Maybe you wouldn’t have to if you didn’t fuck them all up in the first place. Just sayin’.
Lohan deems the shoot seh ovah, leaving party to with AA friends(?) after a few frames, Matt tries to kick everyone out, but Dita won’t budge. They agreed to a 20 minute interview that never managed to happen over the course of six days. Matt tries to play hardball with the Elle Editor, who doesn’t wanna hear it anymore and gives up. Dita’s parting words say it all, “I wouldn’t give her any advice because it’s her life but she’s got to chang.”. In the end, she will tell her daughter to never waste her life. BURN, 1- ELLE EDITOR, 0-LOHAN.
More denial and buck passing in Lohan’s closing voice-over, she believes the that the shoot ended up being better and manages to throw shade at the photographer, deflecting any blame that could be pointed her way, “he’s gonna have to learn to not depend on natural light”. Or you know, just never shoot you ever again in the history of his career.
When Amy Rice asks the photographer for his thoughts on Lohan compared to other celebs he’s shot, he laughs, ducking off camera. CAUSE PROFESSIONALS DON’T TALK SHIT TO CAM-ER-AHHHH, LINDS. Goddamn, can I take her career out back and shoot it yet?
Join me for the penultimate recap of Lindsay next week.
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