With the Entourage movie right around the corner, I decided to…ah, fuck it, this is an endurance test. Aside from the occasional rerun on Comedy Central, my exposure to Entourage has been pretty limited. But I’m a citizen of the Internet and as such have already formed an ironclad opinion. I decided to watch the highest and lowest-rated episodes from all eight seasons of – wait, eight seasons? That can’t be right. Shit, I guess it is. Anyway, I’m going to try to be as open-minded about this as possible, I swear to God.
Season 1, episode ???
Right away we have a problem. IMDb has three episodes of Entourage‘s first season ranked at an 8.3. I’m going to make an executive decision and go with “The Script and the Sherpa,” the fifth episode, because the other 8.3s come after that chronologically. I’ll report back when I’m done.
First impression: it’s super weird that Kevin Connolly is listed before Adrian Grenier in the opening credits. Alphabetic order aside, Grenier is the star of the show. Johnny Drama is basically a watered-down version of Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Only difference is, Mac is intentionally funny. Drama doesn’t know he’s a joke. I guess I’m live-tweeting this at this point. Kevin Connolly looks straight-up sick. The fact that Turtle has to worry about LA being dry of weed instantly dates this show. All the men are weirdly hostile towards women, who are usually vapid and needy. Turtle is going to look at Vince’s naked girlfriend, after Vince explicitly told him not to. No one seems to mind, including Vince. WOMEN ARE THINGS. Holy shit, I’m six minutes in to this episode; this article is going to be 10,000 words long. I think this script was written by someone who just discovered the word “fuck.” They’re visiting the titular sherpa now. Of course he has a giant house, because Entourage is just excess porn. This whole scene with the sherpa grinds the narrative to a screeching halt. Turns out the sherpa is played by Val Kilmer. Oh thank God, Vince got the part.
Okay, this was my first time watching an Entourage episode start to finish. I guess I just don’t get it. It’s clearly masturbatory wish fulfillment for creator Doug Ellin. There is zero tension, little to no narrative arc, and no laughs (although I’ll admit to chuckling once). I’m already regretting this project.
Season 2, episode 13: “Exodus”
Okay, I’m changing the rules. I’m only going to watch the highest-rated episodes. I want to experience peak Entourage, and “Exodus” is standing at a 9.0 on IMDb, which I find…suspect. All right, I don’t care about peak Entourage, but there’s no way in hell I’m watching eight hours of this shit.
Two minutes in and the gang is already on a shopping spree. Turtle and Drama are going to follow Vince’s girlfriend (?) in a conspicuously bright Hummer. Wonder if we’ll see her tits! That’s a joke, women on Entourage exist for one reason. Two, I guess. WTF, why is Malcolm McDowell here? This version of LA is so idealized that there’s no traffic on Rodeo Drive. Vince spotted Drama and Turtle, obviously. How the hell is this episode at a 9.0? I’m so confused. Turns out Vince’s girlfriend is Mandy Moore, an actress way too charming and winsome to be here. For the second time in two episodes, I’m debating abandoning this project. Jeremy Piven clearly has fun playing Ari, and I’m inclined to cut him some slack because I love The Goods so much. Ari just told Lloyd he doesn’t want emails, phone calls, faxes, etc. Wouldn’t that make him a pretty shitty agent? It’s kind of depressing to watch Ari abuse Lloyd, because I can almost guarantee that Piven acted the same way towards every PA on the Entourage set. Now “Monkey Man” is on the soundtrack, surely meant to be evocative of Goodfellas. It’s, uh, not working. Lloyd’s unwavering devotion to Ari is uncomfortably reminiscent of the subservient Asian stereotype. Do these guys just live at Vince’s house? If I were famous I wouldn’t want all my buddies living with me, and my buddies are THE SHIT. What about Vince makes Mandy Moore want to be with him? Never mind, she dumps him for Chris (presumably Klein). No one comes out looking good in this plot. Vince is the guy who stole another man’s girl, and Mandy is the girl who allowed herself to be taken, now wants to go back. E is wearing a Frank Zappa shirt. There is no way he listens to Zappa. Vince isn’t doing the movie. I’ve seen two episodes; he did one movie and didn’t do another. I’m starting to recognize a theme. Why is a gay guy using “cocksucker” as a pejorative?
You know, the jokes about this show are true: everything always works out. Jesus, I can’t believe I have six more episodes to watch.
Season 3, episode 2: “One Day in the Valley”
This is another 9.0. I’m starting to think that Entourage ratings might be different on IMDb; that might be a 9.0/100.
Season three and Connolly is still listed first in the credits. What are the odds that he uses that as proof that he’s the star of Entourage?5:42 AM and E’s ringing phone wakes him up. It’s not that bright at 5:42; contrary to what Entourage would have you believe, it’s not always bright in LA. I guess it is if you’re Vincent Chase. Apparently this is the day Aquaman comes out. Turtle thinks Aquaman will beat Spider-Man‘s opening weekend. You could release Aquaman starring Dwayne Johnson opposite Spider-Man starring Gilbert Gottfried and Spider-Man would kick its ass. My dad just called and asked what I was doing, so I told him I was reading. If I explained what Entourage is, he’d probably doubt my ability to read. One accurate thing about this show: Angelenos do talk incessantly about neighboring cities and the best routes to get to them. Drama is a sad joke. Oh good, they’re going to buy more expensive shit. Ducatis, evidently. I hope Turtle crashes his and gets paralyzed. Why would blackouts affect Aquaman‘s weekend gross, especially if they’re just in the Valley? People see movies all over the country. Vince gets invited to a high school party; the show even references Almost Famous to acknowledge that this isn’t an original idea. I guess shouting “Lloyd!!!” counts as a joke. “This used to be us,” Vince tells E, watching a bunch of high schoolers party. HOW IS YOUR LIFE DIFFERENT NOW? Drama is fighting a high school kid. I hope he gets paralyzed too. Now Vince is on the roof. “He wanted his Almost Famous moment,” E says. Constantly name-dropping the movie doesn’t make it okay to rip it off.
The episode is over. The conflict was: what if Aquaman doesn’t beat Spider-Man? Guess what, it did. My main takeaway is that you could absolutely get Kevin Dillon to show up to a high school party.
Season 4, episode 1: “Welcome to the Jungle”
Season four is the most consistently low-rated on IMDb; none of the episodes crack a 9.0, and most hover around 8.1 or 8.3. For Entourage‘s fanbase, that’s punishingly low. “One Day in the Valley” was twenty-six excruciating minutes, and that was a 9.0, so let’s see how “Welcome to the Jungle,” sitting at an 8.9, treats me.
Okay, Vince is shooting Medellin, which I’m aware is a big deal for him. Also, this episode has a cold open, which is rare for Entourage. “What attracted me to this project?” asks the film’s director, Billy Walsh. “That’s easy: it was the blood.” I really hope this episode thinks that it’s Hearts of Darkness. According to HBO Go, this episode is 29 minutes long, which is a daunting prospect. Wait, why is Vince called an “up and coming” movie star? The last episode I saw was him smashing box office records with Aquaman. Okay, this episode totally thinks it’s Hearts of Darkness. The break from formula absolutely does not work for Entourage, because this isn’t the show with the kind of fanbase that will appreciate a good mockumentary. Oh, hi, Sofia Vergara! Don’t worry, this is the only Entourage you have to be on. Not sure yet who’s playing Billy Walsh, but whoever it is almost certainly got the job after Martin Starr said no. To be fair, Adrian Grenier speaks decent Spanish, and this is probably my favorite episode of Entourage so far. But that’s like saying “I like this anal cyst more than the others.” Four episodes in and I’m not quite sure where the jokes are in this show. But honestly it’s nice to see an episode that focuses on actual filmmaking. We’ve seen two time jump subtitles, “Eight Weeks Later” and “Two Weeks Later.” That’s ten weeks, or seventy days. Billy implied that the shoot was forty-five days. This should have been addressed. Wait, they’ve been here for five months? Why is Billy the only one stressing out about it? Oh wait, the boys are super chill all the time always, never mind. Four seasons in and E is starting to actually show some ability as a producer and manager. Jesus I’m sick of hearing these fuckers talk about Queens.
All in all, actually not a bad episode. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t funny, like, at all, and Kevin Dillon remains a black hole of charisma who ruins every scene he’s in, but if I’d seen “Welcome to the Jungle” first instead of fourth, I wouldn’t be approaching the latter half of this project with such dread.
Season 5, episode 12: “Return to Queens Blvd.”
Fuck, I think the universe heard me bitching about the incessant talk of being from Queens. “Return to Queens Blvd.” is another 9.0. I’m starting to distrust IMDb’s ratings system.
This might shock you, but this episode opens in a club, and the first line is “Let’s do another shot.” Apparently the boys are back in Queens. Vince’s mom still lives in a shitty little house; he buys Ducatis for that asshole Turtle, but he won’t buy his mom a new place? What a piece of shit son. Vince’s mom name-drops Gus Van Sant, as if the average moviegoer from Queens would know who the fuck that is. Now she’s calling him Gus. Ari says Gus doesn’t think Vince is right for the part – which, yes, obviously Vince isn’t right for the part, has he ever seen a Gus Van Sant movie? Now all these palookahs at the Chase family reunion are impressed by the Van Sant news. Turtle mentions My Own Private Idaho. What the fuck world does this take place in? Adrian Grenier is adorable trying to pretend like things might not work out for Vince. Van Sant is here and I like him because he’s talking shit about Vince. I also have residual goodwill towards him after playing himself in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Turtle is banging Jamie-Lynn Sigler? Drama seems upset about it, but fuck Drama, he deserves heartbreak and misery. Everyone is waiting around for Van Sant to call, as if there’s any chance Vince won’t get the part. Vince didn’t get the part! But Van Sant said he was great anyway. Vince fires E. I’ve watched four episodes of Entourage before this one, and this is the most emotion Grenier has shown the entire time. Oh, now Scorcese wants Vince for a project. He’s offering Vince the part of Nick Carraway in his Great Gatsbsy reimagining, as if there’s any fucking chance that Vince has read or even heard of The Great Gatsby. Aaaand E is back as Vince’s manager. That conflict lasted all of five minutes. I hate this fucking show.
Okay, this was a stupid episode that was based off Entourage fan fiction written by someone who really hates Entourage. Everything worked out and everything is fine; the fifth season ends with everyone smiling and going out to get wasted, weirdly high off the thrill of talking to Gus Van Sant, I guess? There was also a subplot about Vince hanging out with his high school sweetheart, which went absolutely nowhere.
Season 6, episode 12: “Give a Little Bit”
Unless I’m reading this incorrectly, “Give a Little Bit” is the highest-rated episode of Entourage, at a 9.1. For comparison, Breaking Bad‘s “Dead Freight,” which featured a train robbery and the murder of a child, scored the same. Right away I resent this episode for getting that shitty song stuck in my head.
What the fuck shirt is Drama wearing? This has been the worst thirty seconds of my life. Every character dresses like a frat boy date rapist, which I guess makes the fanbase of this show make perfect sense. Holy shit, I just realized who Drama reminds me of! Bruce Chandling, Kyle Mooney’s hack standup comic character on SNL. Their delivery is almost identical, but Chandling is supposed to be a sad-sack. Ari and his wife spend a lot of time in therapy, but I never get the feeling that she might leave him. Oh, hi, Matt Damon! Seems like he’s just here to plug his foundation, but I’m always happy to see Matt Damon. Damon acted intense for the entire scene, then left, and Vince said, “Wow, he’s intense,” which I think is supposed to be a punchline? Ugh, of course Turtle doesn’t take his socks off before sex. Apparently things fell apart with Jamie-Lynn Sigler. Good. DIE ALONE, TURTLE. Matt Damon strong-arming the Chases is the only tolerable part of this episode. Never mind, Bono just showed up, I hate it again. If Drama is half the actor that Kevin Dillon is, then he’s the worst actor on the planet. Sloan seems surprised that E wants to get back together. Um, you look like Emmanuelle Chriqui and he looks like Kevin Connolly, is it really that surprising? This might be the most boring episode so far. 9.1, everyone! The worst thing that’s happened to Vince is that he has to go to Italy alone. Ari is shooting people in the office with a paintball gun. Hello, lawsuit! LOL, Turtle is stuck between two fat ladies! Real groundbreaking comedy there, Doug Ellin. The network wants to develop something for Drama to star in, which is funny because when Kevin Dillon had to carry a show it was How To Be a Gentleman, and was canceled after one season. Lloyd shows up wearing a suit that’s easily three sizes too big for him. E and Sloan got married. For a while it looked as though “Give a Little Bit” was going to have actual stakes, but at the end E gets his girlfriend back, Drama gets his own show, and everyone is going to Italy. My eyes hate my brain for thinking about this.
That was my least favorite episode so far. The 37-minute run time is unforgivable and absolutely unjustified. Maybe the worst season finale I’ve ever seen.
Season 7, episode 10: “Lose Yourself”
My descent into madness continues. The feeling is akin to taking Ambien and forcing yourself to stay awake. E has tracers. Is Drama a hallucination? Will Vince do the movie? Tuuuuurtle. Also, in the episode description on HBO Go, Ari’s wife is referred to as “Mrs. Ari,” which shows you how important women are to Entourage. Needless to say, this is another ludicrously high-rated episode, at 8.9.
Turtle has some deal with Mark Cuban on the table. Drama is worried that Vince hasn’t come home: “More likely he went on a bender and he’s lying in a gutter somewhere!” Really? Is that more likely? I haven’t seen any inclination that Vince is likely to do that. Aw man, what the fuck is John Cleese doing here? Of course Drama doesn’t take his sunglasses off inside. I think Joffrey Baratheon was a more sympathetic character than Drama. Vince is dating Sasha Grey, so this is as good a reminder as any that Sasha Grey can’t act. You ever seen The Girlfriend Experience? Adrian Grenier is suspiciously good at playing an asshole. Ari’s wife’s name is Amanda! Mystery solved. Was that so hard, HBO Go? I’m guessing Doug Ellin just discovered The League, cause there’s a lot of sports stars on this episode. To their credit, they all seem to hate Turtle, which is the appropriate response. It seems as though Vince has a pretty serious coke problem, which you’d think would give this episode some emotional weight, but let’s not pretend that everything won’t work out. I guess I owe Drama an apology; it looks like Vince is likely to have gone on a bender. Oh, hi, Bob Odenkirk! Haha, Drama just talked about how tough he is. My Mac comparison is spot-fucking-on. Drama, you tuck your t-shirts into your fucking jeans. Vince just stormed out of his intervention and told everyone off. If he had become a cokehead and gotten rid of his entourage back in season one, this might be my favorite show. Who the hell let Drama into Eminem’s party?
I gotta hand it Entourage, everything didn’t work out by the end (tellingly, “Lose Yourself” was directed by David Nutter, who directed the infamous “Red Wedding” episode of Game of Thrones). I would watch 100 episodes of a show featuring Kevin Dillon getting beat up.
Season 8,episode 8: “The End”
I can see the end. I feel like I’m in Beowulf, namely the end when he fights the dragon. The beast may slay me, but my legend will live forever.
I just noticed that Perrey Reeves (Mrs. Ari) somehow finagled her way into the opening credits. Is she really that important? All she seems to do is tell Ari when to stop having fun. Who is this blonde woman who keeps yelling at Ari? Why did Mrs. Ari show up at his office to talk? Just fucking call him. This happens all the time on Arrow too. Pick up a phone! Ari probably works in Beverly Hills, do you have any idea what parking must be like? Haha, Vince wants E to be his best man and not Drama. FUCK YOU, DRAMA! Turtle lost so much weight but he’s still rocking that stupid chin strap beard. Drama just touched Sloan’s pregnant stomach without asking permission first. Lighten up, toots, it’s a compliment! Sophia is so important to Vince that we haven’t seen her once this episode. Ari’s worried that he’s a bad dad. Uh, you’re absolutely a bad dad. This blonde lady won’t get off Ari’s back. Who signs up for roles like this? How is Ari not getting drug tested every day? He’s on, like, all the coke. What is Ari’s wife wearing? That’s not an every day dress; that’s something you wear to the goddamn Oscars. Oh wait, Ari’s wife is named Melissa. Eight seasons in, Lloyd is still kissing Ari’s ass. Zero character arc. Holy shit, Sophia has a really annoying British accent. I can see why they get divorced right away in the Entourage movie (spoiler alert). Weird, four hours of this shit and I never heard Ari say “Hug it out, bitch.”
It’s over. It’s finally over. I wish I could say that I now understand why people like Entourage, but I don’t get it. I really don’t. The episodes are identical in nature and narrative; the characters are one-dimensional ciphers who it’s impossible to root for. Go ahead, name me one defining character trait of E or Turtle. You can’t. They’re just sentient mannequins upon which clothes are hung, and this happened for eight season and oh God I’m going to have to watch that fucking movie now, aren’t I?
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[…] by Kevin Connolly. Whom you may remember as being the douchebag named “E” on Entourage, that show about a bunch of douchebags in Hollywood. Travolta’s performance is completely unable to save it, as he was in Battlefield Earth […]