When Crossbones wants to be a pirate show, it’s a damn good one. Maybe they should make me showrunner for season two: “Okay, John, I want you to really Malkovich this place up, throw in some ARGHs and MATEYs, and ACTION!”
“Crossbones” has Blackbeard wanting to attack the Spanish treasure fleet, and he wants Thomas to go with him as the ship’s surgeon. Selima talks him into taking Fletch instead, after she accepts Blackbeard’s proposal of marriage, in what I thought was a surprisingly sweet scene. Yasmine Al Massri and Malkovich have good chemistry together. After that, Blackbeard gives Charlie Rider a spiffy new captain’s coat, and off they go.
If you’re like me, you’re really tired of scenes where Kate shows up just to busts Thomas’s balls over some fucking thing. Well, she does the same thing in “Crossbones,” but at least she has a reason this time: she’s pregnant, most likely with Thomas’s child, and she wants ye olde abortion, because her husband James has suffered enough. Thomas is psyched to hear he’ll be a dad, which the wrong response when someone asks you to abort your love child. It’s a moot point, because he can’t safely do it anyway, leading Kate to get some poison from Nellie to take care of it. Director Deran Sarafian is good at making Thomas less likeable than Crossbones wants him to be; he managed the same feat in “A Hole in the Head,” actually letting Richard Coyle show some of these flaws of Thomas’s that we always hear about but don’t often see.
I was less interested in the Thomas/Kate/James plotline (oh, Thomas ends up giving her a blood transfusion, which saves her) because all the stuff at sea was so much more engaging. Blackbeard locates the treasure fleet, but William Jagger is there too, so Blackbeard decides to attack him instead. This raises Charlie’s ire, because as he rightly points out, that’s all of their money that Blackbeard is letting sail away so he can settle a personal score. Blackbeard doesn’t take kindly to this, and stabs Charlie before throwing him overboard and calling him Judas.
Then Blackbeard uses his olde tyme grenades to blow a hole in Jagger’s ship, and the whole thing is piratey and awesome. Unfortunately, Crossbones can’t commit to killing a major character, and it turns out that Jagger has Charlie captive on his ship. Don’t get me wrong, I like Charlie, and David Hoflin does great work, but it would have been a ballsy move on the show’s part. Now Blackbeard gets to save Charlie instead of kill him, and I’d argue that it’s more interesting the other way around.
“Blackbeard” was so damn good that if Crossbones reached this level of quality from week to week, it would have enjoyed the rabid following of Friday night shows like Grimm or Hannibal. It’s almost a shame that the two-hour finale was the last we’ll see of the show, because “Blackbeard” did so much right that it made me rethink my opinion on the whole damn series. I’m not kidding.
William Jagger begins his attack on Santa Campana, and the action to follow is the most fun I’ve ever had watching this show. Director Ciaran Donnelly (The Tudors, Vikings) lets everything flow naturally, from Blackbeard’s rousing speech to Charlie Rider showing up to save Thomas’s ass and redeem himself. James gets shot, but doesn’t die, proving me wrong that he would meet his end by the time season one wrapped up.
Jagger’s other tactic involves Antoinette, and this is where “Blackbeard” stumbles. I’m on the record as not being a fan of Lauren Shaw, and this subplot is downright moronic. Jagger puts Antoinette in a cage in a middle of the forest and tells her to call to Blackbeard. Keep in mind, this is in the middle of a large battle with several cannons. So she hollers “Edward!” over and over, and the stupidest thing is, it works. Jagger lets her loose to go kill Selima, leading to another lame segment wherein Crossbones ventured into slasher movie territory, as Antoinette, even after being shot, stalks Selima around the mansion. I’m surprised she didn’t tilt her head too. Ever notice that in slasher movies? It’s so stupid. Anyway, she kills Selima.
Blackbeard, after killing Jagger, shows up, and in a very nicely done scene, devoid of dialogue, slowly runs his sword through Antoinette. Then Thomas shows up, saying he wants control of the island, and he beats the shit out of Blackbeard. It’s a surprisingly well-done brawl; it’s not Jack Crawford vs. Hannibal Lecter grudge match, but overall the violence in “Blackbeard” surprised me. Donnelly should have been spearheading this show from day one. Blackbeard appears dead (but of course he isn’t), and six weeks later Thomas is in Jamaica, warning Jagger’s replacement to mind his Ps and Qs, and giving him a head that’s been made up to look like Blackbeard’s.
Crossbones was a mixed bag. Malkovich, of course, was great, but sometimes the problem spots overshadowed his performance. I’m speaking of course of the nearly flawless protagonist, and of women who were more often than not reduced to shrieking harridans. “Crossbones” and “Blackbeard” served as a fine farewell, but also a frustrating one, as we saw the quality television that Crossbones was able to produce, right as the show was ending forever.
“Crossbones” score: 4 stars
“Blackbeard” score: 4.5 stars
Series score: 3.5/5
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