Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice is the long-awaited Zack Snyder directed sequel to Man of Steel. I say long-awaited, because they hyped this thing for over two years. Nothing is going to be as good as you thought after that much hype. It’s even worse when it falls flat almost completely.
At no point during the time I spent in the theater watching this film was I under the impression that this was a good movie. Sure, it’s technically proficient. That concession is akin to saying “Well, the graphics were good, so I guess the game was good”. It’s meaningless, because a movie, even an action movie, is more than a sequence of special effects. There still has to be something to give it meaning.
The meat and potatoes of this movie never went beyond Zack Snyder’s love of Frank Miller. And much like Miller, Snyder doesn’t seem to get Superman’s appeal. It’s truth, justice, and the American way. He’s a boy scout in the best possible way, not a lawful-stupid paladin. A lot of the drama that surrounds his part in this film is the sort he would, in reality, avoid as much as possible. Even I get that, and I’m not a huge DC fan. And to be fair, I’m not sure Frank Miller gets Batman that much anymore. You really only need to look up the more infamous panels of All Star Batman & Robin to realize it. Since Snyder is a huge Miller fanboy, you might just see what I’m getting at.
Batman racks up quite the body count in this movie. I’d be hard pressed to think of a time Batman stacked them up like this since his trip to China left them with the population density of Greenland. He doesn’t even live in stately Wayne Manor, but in a post-modern bachelor pad built on the lake contained in the same property. Everything here is purposely done to make Batman look cooler than Superman, which is no surprise given the above statements about Zack Snyder and Frank Miller. I will give credit where credit is due, though. Zack at least gave us a Batmobile that doesn’t look like a piece of shit, Christopher Nolan. Also, Gotham has no professional groundskeepers. Let that sink in.
At no point is Lex Luthor likeable. I don’t mean that in the villain sense, where they are meant to be disliked. I mean that I didn’t like Jesse Eisenberg to begin with, and his portrayal of Lex Luthor doesn’t change that, nor does it help me like this interpretation of Lex Luthor. At no point does his Lex come off as anything but an over educated, rich, autistic man-child. Which may be sad since that’s certainly what his big break seemed to be, you know where he played the guy who invented FaceBook. (Fun fact, that played in my mind while I watched this movie. Arin Hanson’s texts were very apropos when it comes to Lex Luthor scenes.) I mean it when I say he sounds overeducated. His dialogue is almost entirely made up of things stupid people would say in an attempt to sound smart. One of them made it into the trailer, and it’s just as stupid in context.
Remember how Marvel’s Cinematic Universe started, and how they built up to their big crossover? Yeah, DC doesn’t seem interested in doing that shit. They want get there in as few movies as possible. That’s pretty much the only reason Wonder Woman is in this movie. It’s the only reason why Cyborg, Aquaman and The Flash (whose costume is fucking stupid) are in this movie and have less screentime combined than Wonder Woman. Since the movie they have slated for her is going to be an origin story anyway, what was the point?
The action sequences are the only real draw. That, I’d argue, is Zack Snyder’s best strength. They’re hands down the only real reason to plunk down money to see it. I’d say it’s not worth it, but no amount of ripping from critics is going to keep this movie from being a financial success. They will continue on, in all likelihood, and we’ll get more movies in much the same way we’re going to get that Last Airbender sequel that no one but M. Night Shyamalan wants.
SPOILERS AHEAD
This is a movie which features a nested nightmare sequence Bruce has while he updates the Batcomputer to Windows 10. It serves no purpose, other than to show what a dick Batman thinks Justice Lord Superman will be in the apocalyptic future. Supes has fanatic soldiers for no real reason. But at least it gave Zack the opportunity to paint the crest of the House of El on the door of a cargo truck in the general shape of a swastika in a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it background shot (I don’t even want to look up if it’s even a real thing from the comics). Real subtle, Zack. It ends with Bruce waking up in another nightmare where The Flash (in his stupid-ass costume) warns him about Lois Lane being the key, before Bruce actually wakes up. None of this is ever relevant again. Ever. It’s like the first 20 minutes of Man of Steel; fucking useless.
The real coup de grâce, though? Why not show the death of Superman in your movie that you wanted to jump-start the Justice League with! Of course, like any good Christ analogue, he’s clearly not staying dead, but we still had to watch his weird-ass Smallville Amish funeral juxtaposed with an heroic public procession akin to what you’d see when a President dies. In the latter, his empty casket is laid to rest in a public memorial of the crest of the House of El, with the plea to look around you if you wish to see his monument in a tasteless typeface that looks like they got the Joker to chalk it in as part of his community service.
END SPOILERS
The best (no action) parts of this movie are Jeremy Irons as Alfred and the (approximately) one minute we got of Neil deGrasse Tyson. This movie isn’t Ben’s fault; he did everything he could in the Batsuit, literally rewriting bits of the movie while wearing it in an attempt to make them not bad. No, this rests on Zack Snyder’s head. It’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but I’ll be damned if I can find it in my heart to give it a passing grade.
Final Thoughts:
– goddamn creator of facebook and fucking lawyers and shit right? fucking Winklevoss twins Goddamn rowing the boat FUCK YO SHIT I can’t even fucking believe this shit, have you seen this shit? Fuck, I just watched this shit fuck Jesse Eisenberg man.
– Oh, that’s right, I almost forgot that they hint at Darkseid in a future movie. I don’t even want to see it.
– You know that thing where you occasionally step outside into the light of the sun and see color? I don’t think Zack Snyder has that.
– This is hands down the most unfulfilling two and a half hours I’ve spent in a movie theater in a very long time.
– Batman doesn’t outright kill people. But he’ll fucking brand them like a Goddamn Roman! And God help you if you’re carrying or driving in something that can explode. He’s probably still picking chunks of mercenary out of his cape.
About Author
