Netflix has approximately infinity trillion movies available for streaming – some are good, some are shitty, and some are…well, they just are. The kinds of movies that make you wonder “Why?” and “How?” Margaux hit upon the idea of reviewing these movies, so naturally we started with Stolen, which is a perfect example of a why/how film: it stars an Academy Award winner (Nicolas Cage), and was directed by Simon West, who in the past helmed big action movies like Con Air and The Expendables 2. So, enjoy, I guess our take on Stolen.
Margaux: I know picking a Nic Cage movie is almost a cop out when you’re talking about bad movies but I really enjoyed Stolen. It was an underrated heist comedy, like Tower Heist. I’m kidding, Tower Heist is awful but Stolen is not – well, it’s entertaining.
Trevor: Trying to make sense of Nicolas Cage is like trying to describe a color to a blind man. He’s like an unhinged Bill Murray – he does whatever he wants, occasionally seems to care about critical acclaim (he has an Oscar, remember), but seems to exist mainly as a riddle, the kind of man who will trade acting in movies like Next, Bangkok Dangerous, and Stolen for the chance to do shit like buy a tyrannosaurus skull, or drop shrooms with his cat.
Margaux: Yep, Nic Cage is kind of like Bill Murray if Bill Murray was in crippling debt and had to say ‘yes’ to every single movie that comes his way. That’s why we have The Sorcerer’s Apprentice but somehow, still no Blade 4. I’m getting off topic, out of the majority of movies Cage put out the recent pas,t out of desperation, at least in Stolen his acting was attempting subtle, unlike Danny “pork pie hat and bullet proof vest” Houston or Josh “the one legged taxi driver” Lucas.
Trevor: Everyone had these weird little quirks. Like, when asked if he was ready, Hoyt (M.C. Gainey) responded “Ready as Riley’s diaphragm,” which is a weird thing to say because this movie was made in 2012 and no one in the 21st century uses diaphragms. And Vincent (Josh Lucas) called Will (Cage) “Gum” all the time. That’s such a weird nickname, and it was never, ever explained! There has to be some backstory! Does he chew a lot of gum? Was he once a detective, i.e. gumshoe?
Also, and this is a digression, Nic Cage does not look like a “Will.” I look like a Trevor, you look like a Margaux, but Nic Cage only looks like one thing, and that is Nic fucking Cage. Moreover, when a character’s name is Will I almost immediately tune out (Hannibal being the exception). Calling your character Will is like calling him Charlie; these names have been focus-tested for maximum Everyman appeal, and it just rings hollow to me every single time. Mark Wahlberg was Charlie, I believe, in The Italian Job, which is one reason I didn’t like that movie, but I guess it makes sense because Stolen is like some WTF mashup of The Italian Job and Taken.
Margaux: There were SO MANY oddly specific metaphors and unexplained backstories, Nic Cage is supposed to be “America’s Greatest Bank Robber” but gets caught and sent to jail within the opening 15 minutes of the movie? Oh and he burned the 10 million dollars he stole in the first place.
And to add to WTF, mash-up feel of the movie, how about that theme music that plays throughout? It’s like Mission:Impossible and James Bond had a retarded cousin that they let score the film. It was a song from a better movie with a TOTALLY different tone.
Trevor: Yeah, the first note I took was the opening song was actually kinda cool. Totally out of place with the rest of the movie, but kinda cool.
Let’s back up and talk about plot for a sec: Will Montgomery gets released after spending 8 years in a prison that apparently is on a commercial street. His daughter Allison has been kidnapped by his presumed-dead partner Vincent, and now it’s up to Will to save her life, all while evading the grasp of Agent Harlend (Danny Huston). There, that’s for the readers who I’m sure aren’t going to watch this movie.
Allison bugged me. She was very much a stock “daughter” character, and I realize why she didn’t accept Will’s gift of the stuffed animal, but it still pissed me off (“It’s the thought that counts, bitch” is what I wrote down). But I’ll give her credit, over the course of Stolen she gradually showed more agency than, say, Kim Mills from Taken, to whom she will inevitably be compared.
Margaux: Man, I was really hoping we’d avoid summing up “the plot” of Stolen and just confuse the crap of everyone. Anyway, there are lots of things that happen before he gives Allison – who looks like baby Anne Hathaway – that stupid blue bear. One, for a movie made POST-9/11, you know damn well there aren’t just teddy bear stands at the airport. And then Cage’s character gets picked up by the cops that put him away and they said two things to him that stuck out aka made me burst out laughing. Upon seeing Cage, one cop says “I hope you got raped everyday” and then Houston’s character seemingly came along for the ride just to tell Cage how his wife divorced him 4 years ago because he’s too obsessed with Cage.
Trevor: Yeah that rape line (delivered by Human Target’s Mark Valley) is pretty indicative of the mentality of Stolen. It tries so hard to be gritty but ultimately ends up funny.
Margaux: Even the “tender” moments, like at the coffee shop, before Cage gives his daughter the teddy bear. He reads her an apology of sorts (I say that because he never ends saying the words “I’m sorry”), that he had to write down – even though he’s had A. eight years to work on it and B. the same amount of time to memorize it. His handwriting, by the way, is some Diving Bell and The Butterfly shit.
Trevor: Yeah, during that scene I thought “Is he just now developing a stutter?”
OH, I want to talk about when Will is making his escape and puts on that CRAZY GOLD MASK. Like some Eyes Wide Shut shit. It was so, so funny to me. I’ll bet several American dollars that he brought it from home.
Margaux: Thinking about that scene cracks me up so hard. Not only were those cops following him from BEHIND the whole time, so I’m not sure how putting on a crappy mask changed things so suddenly, but he’s still wearing all black! I couldn’t stop laughing at that scene, especially when Valley punches the Mardis Gras goer for trying to give him beads. I’m laughing now just typing it out.
Trevor: People just did shit cause the script told them to. Look at Vincent, who is crazy, by the way. He has that Australian guy in his cab (Australians = funny?), then launches into some hilariously retarded monologue about New Orleans. Then later he kills a cop. He’s basically frothing at the mouth this whole time. Credit where credit is due, though: the greasy long hair, shitty tattoos, and fake leg make for a pretty demented look that actually works for the villain.
Margaux: I’m not sure if Josh Lucas – poor man’s Bradley Cooper – totally owned the villain role of Vincent or if he thought, fuck it – no one will ever see this. When he delivers the line, “I used to be a golden boy now I’m a fucking Picasso” he was channeling some serious Pacino. And holy crap, what about his “rules” for Cage – he has to pick up in eight rings but can’t miss any phone calls? Isn’t that implied. I almost wanted Vincent to pick a ringback tone for Cage or something equally random because it would of made more sense.
Trevor: And of course Vincent had Will meet him at the amusement park, where Cage participated in what might be his most ridiculous fight scene since the end of Face/Off. Vincent just ended the movie on fire! The last time I saw that was in a Jason Statham movie, but that was Crank 2, which is supposed to be crazy. It’s impossible to take Stolen seriously when it’s unintentionally cribbing from Neveldine/Taylor.
Also, this was the last note I wrote about this movie: “LOL this happens on his first day out.” Seriously, his first day. Motherfucker hit the ground running.
Margaux: Vincent rising from the ashes, AFTER Cage DROVE A TAXI ON FIRE INTO A LAKE WITH HIS DAUGHTER IN THE TRUNK, I wrote in my notes “just like Terminator.” But I think you’re skipping over the best supporting character in Stolen, the Shrimp Boat Captain-Taxi Dispatcher. Basically running the creole version of Taxi except way more racist.
Trevor: Haha, yeah, there’s no way to make a character say “Who that is?” and have it not be racist. But the dispatcher did get a legitimately good line in, when talking about Vincent: “He scares the crap out of my kids. My kids are in their 20s.”
Margaux: This movie would spend an inordinate amount time to introduce something, leading you to believe it’ll come back into play and it does, but only once and the payoff is utterly unsatisfying. Like Malin Ackerman working in a “cop bar” to keep her from “going back to wrong” then later, Cage calls her to enlist her help to steal gold to get back his kid, and he admits he’s “going back to wrong.” I was kind of hoping the fact she works at a cop bar would into play somehow – nope.
Trevor: Yeah, and Harlend spends the whole movie trying to catch Will slipping, then at the end when he’s spying on him and Riley, he’s encouraging him to throw the gold nugget so they can’t arrest him? That’s a weird switcheroo. Also, why did he have to wait for Will to drive into Louisiana? Isn’t he FBI, and doesn’t that denote national jurisdiction?
Margaux: That whole “on Louisiana soil” bit felt like they were trying to waste time plus it was downright confusing. And yeah, Harlend and Riley spend the whole movie chasing Cage only to just so happen to stumble on a map of the fairgrounds then – DING DING, they’ve got it. They just stopped being inept in the 11th hour, how convenient. It was as believable as Malin Akerman lifting those heavy-ass canvas bags of gold. Girl, you’d breaks your arms.
Trevor: She probably didn’t weigh as much as one of those bags even soaking wet (although a soaking wet Malin Akerman arguably could have improved Stolen).
So do you wanna talk star count, or what? How do you wanna do this? I’ll let you run the show.
Margaux: Look, Stolen isn’t gonna win any awards (or even be remembered) but hey, it can’t all be art. And I’ve seen way less entertaining movies. In terms of stars, this was a better-bad movie and would totally recommend this to anyone who likes watching bad movies and/or Nic Cage (and/or both). I’d give it 3.5 stars.
Trevor: If you like watching Nic Cage, chances are good you like watching bad movies.
About Author
