Since last week’s Bad Movie Review was about a shitty comedy, Margaux and I thought it would be a good idea to take a look at a shitty action movie. It was not a good idea. Enjoy our thoughts on I, Frankenstein.
Trevor: You were right – I, Frankenstein was boring as shit. I would have expected it to be some kind of dumb pulp schlock-fest (in a good way) because the director, Stuart Beattie, had a hand in writing the Pirates movies. And he wrote Collateral, which I adore. But between this and Van Helsing, these high-concept revisionist monster movies can’t seem to pull their heads out of their asses.
Margaux: It was so devoid of any joy, there was a point toward the end of movie where I wondered aloud (to no one) if the screenwriter fell asleep WHILE writing this. Not only a total snooze but the timeline was so pointlessly confusing that made you want to space out.
Trevor: Honestly, there’s a lot of this movie I don’t remember, in terms of plot. I do remember that it was fucking stupid.
Like, right at the beginning, here are my notes, in order:
“Usual mysterious gibberish music”
“CG mts. look like shit”
“Mickey Rourke?”
“This ‘monster’ is handsomer than me”
Also, why was Victor Frankenstein’s journal in English??
Margaux: OH MY GOD CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW HORRIBLE THIS LOOKED??!!! It was hard to literally watch with your eyeballs. Not to mention the downright awful editing, this movie forced me to actually care about editing! There were establishing shots that were cut together so confusingly, you couldn’t tell which characters were meant to be with whom. As a staple of every bad movie we watch, we are always left more unanswered questions than answers. A sampling:
Are they outside? Inside? Are they in a part of the world where it’s always dark? What year is it? Why doesn’t Adam/Frankenstein/A.A. Ron Eckhart stand out more? How are there so many gothic buildings in ONE city? IS this the same city?
I think there was something about gargoyles involved but that didn’t help anything other than make me think of a better comedy, Episodes.
All this is to say, I wrote all in my notes within the first fifteen minutes (highlight: “is that English Katie Holmes?”) then seemed to come back for the last fifteen.
Trevor: Yeah, the gargoyles – and the nemesis, the creatively-named demons – looked dumb as shit, like something out of Grimm. Grr! We’re scary!
I felt bad for Miranda Otto, who was so good in Lord of the Rings, and who here played Leonore, the “High Queen of the Gargoyle Order,” which, LOL. And her henchman was Jai Courtney, who has never been good or likable in anything.
Oh! and Leonore says to Eckhart, “Dr. Frankenstein never gave you a name, blah blah blah, I’ll call you Adam.” UM, MAYBE LET HIM PICK HIS OWN NAME, BITCH. If this movie was about me it would have been called I, Thundercock.
Margaux: Those were some BUDGET demons! Holy crap, they looked the evil cousin of Groot. It was oh so bad. When they attacked AdFrankenDick, I wasn’t all too clear on the motives, which is really not good when this the INTRODUCTION.
And I know a majority of this movie’s dialogue was solely asking direct questions to people yet, never giving a direct answer but, one question this movie doesn’t answer is, how big “Adam’s” dick is. I was kinda disappointed because clearly Papa Frankenstein put some thought and care into those abs and chiseled arms, makes you think. Especially since this movie gave nothing to think about at all.
Trevor: Yeah, that monster was yoked. And you know he was hung like a building.
So it turns out that the bad guy – Naberius, who’s a prince of something that the movie doesn’t feel the need to explain – wants Adam…or maybe just Frankenstein’s journal…I don’t know. He goes by a fake name and I think it’s supposed to be a surprise when he’s outed as the villain. Also, his henchman has a hilariously deep voice. He’s like Michel in Dodgeball, except he doesn’t know that he’s a joke. I laughed every time he spoke.
Speaking of voices, it seems like the only thing Eckhart took away from his experience on The Dark Knight set was how to copy Christian Bale’s Batman voice.
So a bunch of demons attack the ludicrously huge cathedral where the gargoyles are holed up. Someone estimates their number at “fifty or sixty.” THERE ARE SO MANY MORE THAN THAT. Like, thousands of demons. It was fucking stupid.
Margaux: Wait, I thought Bill Nighy was the devil (his alt. movie title would be, I, Kitchen Remodel)? Either way, I thought his characters contribution to this dog shit pile was that he basically was a single, gay dad. He wanted to have a perfect baby didn’t want any women to muck it up so he got all obsessed with that TERRIBLE CGI mouse, and hiring two dumb/oblivious (pick one) scientists to replicate it while he works on this whole, “getting Frankensteins journal” thing.
And it was hard NOT to tell that Eckhart must of been bummed he got passed up for Batman, twice, cause he laying on the Bale-Batman-DA’FAQ YOU JUST SAY?!?! voice real thick.
Trevor: Here’s why the mouse scene bugged me, and I apologize in advance because this might be boring. The one scientist who isn’t Yvonne Strahovski goes “We’re up to 200 joules!” A joule is a unit of measurement for energy. Watts measure how many joules are used per second; if you have a 60-watt lightbulb, it uses 60 joules per second. So 200 joules is like, four or five lightbulbs on at once. If it were that easy to reanimate shit everyone would do it.
Margaux: Don’t get me started on the climatic “Reanimation Clock.” There were too many eyeroll moments in I, Frankenstein to count. At least some gargoyles got punched in that strangely confusing end?
I’m not touching your joules shit, I flunked chem and every math concept you can name.
Trevor: No one had any arc in this movie. It was a cast of nothing but tertiary characters, like if everyone in Breaking Bad was Gomie. People started at A and finished at A.
Oh, speaking of your kitchen remodel joke, I just read this note of mine: “I am a demon prince!” Haha, hope your new kitchen looks great, Bill Nighy.
So, you know, great minds.
Margaux: I bet the dumb screenwriter patted himself on the back for killing off Nighy so “smartly”. GET IT HE HAS THE GARGOYLE SYMBOL SO A.A.RON CAN JUST DESCEND HIS ASS.
I was really fighting myself to not hit fast forward in the end, even though that inkling should of come A LOT sooner.
Trevor: See, another thing I totally forgot about. I watched the movie last night and if you asked me this morning how Nighy died, I wouldn’t have been able to answer. That’s the cardinal sin of I, Frankenstein: it’s stupid and campy, but also, paradoxically, boring.
Margaux: To be fair, I copied/pasted that from my notes, I couldn’t remember if you asked me 20 seconds ago. And I had trouble searching for this note to begin with. I hate this movie so much, I can’t even be bothered to physically insult it one more time.
I want a John Waters remake of this ASAP. I say this because I had to immediately watch an episode of Drag Race after watching I, Frankenstein. It was so bad, it made me depressed. The movie had next to color in it, it was like they hired an early cast off from Face/Off.
Trevor: Haha, and not the good Nic Cage kind.
I’m so uninterested in talking more shit about this. One thing is for sure, I’m letting you pick the movie next week. What do you think in terms of stars?
Margaux: Like, half? I can’t bare to think about this movie anymore either. Just don’t bother watching it unless you want to lull someone to sleep to put something else on once aforementioned person falls asleep.
OH! Just watch The Fall!
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