Apparently the world needs as many movies about Sarah Jessica Parker wearing fancy clothes as possible. “But I’ve already seen both Sex and the City movies ten times!” I wailed. “Isn’t there anything else?” “There is!” Margaux replied. “It’s called I Don’t Know How She Does It!” And thus was born this week’s Bad Movie Review.
http://youtu.be/GSi3LdUrq18
Trevor: This movie should have been called I Don’t Know Why They Made It. BOOM, nailed it, end of review.
Margaux: But if they did that Trevor, what would the other characters in the movie say to Sarah Jessica Parker??!! I swear, that was the only thing anyone ever asked/said to her for 80% of the movie, HOW DO YOU DO IT?!?
Bitch is only married with two kids, she’s not brokering world peace or curing cancer. She works in…wait for it…not a magazine (for fucking once) but…finance. Cause ladies are smart with dollars, too.
I’m surprised my eyeballs are still here. Last night, I tried to recount the “plot,” just so I had more to say than, “Fuck this fucking shitty movie,” but I couldn’t do it. So, get ready.
Trevor: You know you’re off to a good start when the movie begins by interviewing a side character about how great the main character is. This happens several times. Christina Hendricks, Olivia Munn, and Seth Meyers all have to act like pundits extolling the virtues of Saint Sarah Jessica Parker. And Busy Phillips shows up a number of scenes – all taking place on a treadmill – that could have been 10x shorter if she’d just said “I’m a cunt!”
This entire movie was about two things: how great SJP’s Kate Reddy is, and how nice her clothes are. I’m convinced Parker only does films so she can play dress-up, and I’d be shocked – SHOCKED, I tell you – if there wasn’t a stipulation in her contract allowing her to keep any clothes she likes. Everyone else was a tertiary character, even her husband.
And she had serious “Denise Richards in The Third Wheel” syndrome, because girl was smiling or laughing the entire time.
Margaux: The weird, pseudo-Bravo reality show, Greek chorus started out as confusing and something that could be a funny reveal at the end, like in The Sweetest Thing but nah, let’s just waste Christina Hendricks time and talent.
I knew it was going to be loooooooong bad movie when the, for the sake of this movie, inciting incident was fucking bake sale. It was so confusing and jarring, laid no ground work, I felt as frantic and as SJP. I mainly stuck it out because at the 2:30 mark, I became literally worried for everyone’s safety in the movie because they were so dumb.
When SJP wasn’t being extra neurotic, she was falling down. Or had lice. Or was sending a boss with the last name Ablehammer an email about giving him a blow job – whoops, that was meant for something else. Calling any of these characters unlikeable would be a compliment.
Oh yeah, in my notes when Olivia Munn shows up, I wrote: “Good because this movie isn’t horrible enough.”
Trevor: This was basically 21st Century Problems: The Movie. Even SJP’s DAUGHTER was a WASPy bitch. And with all the freeze frames introducing characters, I Don’t Know still found time to shame the nanny for not graduating college!
Also, Olivia Munn is half Asian, and her character Momo Han is obviously Asian – with the over exaggerated work ethic and lack of emotion, is that kinda racist? Or am I just being a Social Justice Warrior?? Also, #GamerGate.
Margaux: I’m not an Olivia Munn fan by any means but I did feel bad for her, she had some random funny lines, not laugh out funny but ones that make you think – huh, not bad if this joke had ANY fucking context.
I’m seriously at a loss as to what I Don’t Know How She Does It is actually about. I was waiting pretty much until the very end for this movie to…start. At one point, I was praying she and Pierce Brosnan would just bang so something would happen!
None of these characters really change or have experienced any semblance of an arc by time its 90-plus minute runtime is mercifully over. Sarah Jessica Parker doesn’t get any better at her job (which she was fine at to beginning with), at being a mother (“I don’t want my daughter to feel different just because she has a mom who travels for work” – HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?!), or even her marriage. And when the fuck did Greg Kinnear corner the market on playing the downtrodden husband?
Trevor: I wondered in my notes, why is Kinnear likable when Parker isn’t? They’re both playing basically the same upper-upper class WASP.
Also, I think this movie was about us rooting for a rich woman to get richer. Their house was already massive, she was pretty high up at her job (despite someone referring to her and Momo as “the B team,” which, huh?), then she got a promotion to being James Bond’s secretary and became the world’s most selfish bitch. “I need to talk to you about this New York job right as you’re opening the door at our daughter’s birthday party. Oh what’s that, Momo, you’re pregnant? Let me make this about me.” And so on on until the credits rolled.
Margaux: In between bouts of making everything about her, SJP would constantly do mystifyingly dumb shit, like things you do believe a grown adult would ever do. Especially someone in a high-powered job that centers around other peoples money. Flashing her boss on a video conference call, really? You’re trying to tell me that she doesn’t how video conference calls work but she’s really good at her job? Go fuck yourself movie.
You bring up a good moment with SJP and Kinnear, when she springs her brand new job that requires her to travel to New York part time right as guests arrive for a birthday party. The movie tried really hard to drum up drama between them but they kept resolving it so amiably it just adds to that ‘what’s the point of this again?’ -ness that made up this entire movies “plot.”
To piggyback on that too, her family life, which talks about more than participates in or gets screen time. At the birthday party, her mother-in-law basically calls her son autistic and it’s not really talked about again until the end when Kinnear flippantly says, “we’ve got Ben’s speech therapy on Thursday.” Ummm, why didn’t we explore this topic more?!
Trevor: Because Ben isn’t Kate, haven’t you been paying attention?
God, thats first dinner scene with Jack was so annoying. Everyone likes being around someone who talks about their kids NONSTOP and EXCLUSIVELY, right? That never gets old immediately?
And of course Jack immediately falls in love with Kate. Jack, you like Pierce Brosnan, remember? You could fuck me if you wanted to do. If Kate asks you out, you should say “neigh.” Have some standards.
Margaux: Haven’t you ever seen a cheesy rom-com worth its salt? OF COURSE the handsome bad-boy that is independently wealthy falls for derp-y WASP-y woman! But after she turns him down, well…confirms that she’s no long toying with idea of fooling around unless bowling is involved, or making lists anymore – cause they’re bad for her – they still have to work together on this money project. And she seems to just stomach his advances until she pawns him off on Christina Hendricks – she can even handle sexual harassment! How does she do it?!?!
Trevor: Keep in mind that earlier, Hendricks was basically trying to convince Parker to fuck Jack. “Don’t do anything immoral…without telling me first.” What? That’s a terrible friend!
Look, this is the kind of movie that will make me write “Kate deserves to be hated by her children,” so I’m not feeling a lot of goodwill towards our plucky heroine. Her life is already pretty fucking great and we just have to root for it to get better? Fuck you! I’m the poorest motherfucker on Sesame Street, ain’t nobody helping me! I have no sympathy for her.
Margaux: It was like this movie was a long winded experiment to make SJP’s character realize there are other jobs in the world. At the end when she “stands up” to her boss, Kelsey Grammar, about not going to Atlanta this weekend, it would of been mildly redeeming if she didn’t tell him what she was busy with. Instead, she tells him she’s “making a (fucking) snowman” and if he wants to fire her over it – go ahead. As she recounts this near-firing to her husband, she says “there are other jobs out there” as if it’s the most profound thing in the world – I DON’T..I CAN’T…KILL YOURSELF.
Either way, none of this matters cause this family got hit by a bus on their walk home.
Trevor: Roll credits. FART NOISE.
Everyone in this movie sucks. But at least Momo decided to have the baby, which according to I Don’t Know makes her a worthwhile human being.
Margaux: But still sort of shames her along way too. SJP is the person she calls after she’s had the baby and when SJP shows up in her hospital room, it’s completely empty. It just sort of felt…sad. Is this really the only person that Momo has? Girl, you in danger.
Oh yeah, and best of all, this movie is based on a book. The sure-fire way to know your movie gargles balls.
Trevor: The fact that this was a book, then a screenplay, means two people took the time to write this garbage. It’s like the refried beans of shit.
Margaux: I don’t know who this movie was for, what it was about, or why it needed to happen. Safe to say, I don’t think there will be a sequel.
Trevor: I Don’t Know How She Does It 2: Everything is Still Going Just Fine.
Margaux: I Don’t Know How She Does It 2: Seriously, Can You Tell Me How I Do It?
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