Margaux picked a doozy for this week’s Bad Movie Review. We took a look at 1983’s BMX Bandits, which is notable for being 1. Nicole Kidman’s on-screen debut, and 2. Fucking terrible. It’s easy to see why this is a “classic” bad movie in Australia, but it doesn’t change the fact that watching it will make Netflix think you’re a goddamn moron.
http://youtu.be/vwPbdYE9tZY
Trevor: It hit me about half an hour into the movie, but BMX Bandits isn’t a film, it’s a Super Nintendo game. You have two heroes (player 1 and player 2) named, sigh, “PJ” and “Goose,” who ride color-coded bikes and go on totally radical adventures by the beach. There’s even a water level!
Margaux: I’m going to take your mild sarcasm as praise for BMX Bandits because I have no idea how you couldn’t love this movie. Between the font of the title, a character literally named “The Boss” (more cred to your Super Nintendo theory) and an actor named, wait for it – Angelo D’Angelo.
When you boil down BMX Bandits, it’s a bunch of Australian executives throwing together everything an 80s kid would hypothetically like. Scooby-Doo intrigue? Sure. Fast, bright bikes and clothes? Totally. Jarring sound effects and no sense of space or time? DUH BRAH. I loved BMX Bandits.
Trevor: And the Bandits didn’t even get top billing! That cracked me up. They’re literally the title characters. Top billing went to David Argue and John Ley, whose character names were no bullshit “Whitey” and “Moustache.”
Margaux: Oh, you mean Val Kilmer dye job and Australian Charlie Day? They couldn’t of been less threatening bad guy characters unless they were literal cartoons. They were straight up buffoons.
BMX Bandits reminded me of some bastard mix of Point Break meets Gleaming the Cube – but filmed on a camcorder. And I wouldn’t say this is a movie so much as it’s a really long BMX biking montage set to the best music I’ve ever heard in my life. I want to own the BMX Bandit soundtrack.
Trevor: Haha, I’m glad you enjoyed it so much. I didn’t hate it per se, except yes I did because it raised so many questions. I guess I was baffled by it, which is probably the only time that anyone has said that when talking about BMX Bandits.
So PJ and Goose (and Judy, played by Kidman) need money for bikes I think, so naturally their first and only idea is to steal seafood and sell it (again, I think). But they accidentally come upon a cache of walkie-talkies hidden in an underwater dead drop site by a bunch of bank robbers, and readers I’m not making any of this up. This whole movie is about walkie-talkies. And whose idea was that drop site? It’s so inconvenient!
Margaux: That’s right everyone, the ensuing hundreds of thousands of dollars of damage caused in this movie is because of…radios, or walkie-talkies. That had the most INSANE antennae to remind you, it’s the 80s. And for two fairly inept bad guys, they do the math really quick that those darn kids are the ones that jacked them.
Speaking of time travel, I barely recognized Kidman. This movie proves she’s definitely had as much plastic surgery has she’s said she’s hasn’t.
Trevor: It was a trip seeing her this young (and hearing her Australian accent, which she doesn’t use a lot).
Also, the Bandits had a fat kid buddy (?) who was just a prick all the time, and whenever he showed up the film played what I called in my notes “fat dickhead music.” At one point he chases the Bandits because they stole both of his ice cream cones. This movie hates that fat fuck. And he’s billed at “Fat Kid.” I don’t think I knew anyone’s name until the 45-minute mark.
Margaux: Hell, at the 45-minute mark, I wrote down, “I have no idea what anyone’s name is.” There were so many random moments of sight gags and physical comedy, that went on too long and had little to do with anything going on in the movie in general, I completely forgot the “bad guys” were trying to pull off a SECOND robbery. They became so obsessed with getting back the radios from the BMX kids, I forgot there was any other plot in this movie OTHER than the radios.
Trevor: There was a long, drawn-out sequence where Whitey and Moustache have kidnapped Judy and there’s this ever-present threat that Moustache is about to just beat the shit out of her. This sequence is also notable for two reasons: one, Kidman tries to escape via a rowboat that’s still tied to the dock, and two, it kick-starts the chase scene that makes up the entire second half of the movie until the BMX army shows up (note to readers: not a euphemism).
Margaux: Well, during the long, drawn-out sequence where Whitey and Moustache have FINALLY cornered Judy, only one of the three kids they were trying to abduct. This is AFTER they’ve had a different, long and drawn-out chase in a graveyard – like you do, typical Tuesday.
Anyway, my point, during the showdown with the bad guys and Kidman, Kidman turns on the walkie-talkie (trying to get PJ and Goose’s attention to save her) and instead of that, she set off a totally random car explosion. And also gives the go-ahead, unbeknownst to her, to a construction worker to drop a cement block on his boss’ car. OOPSY DAISY.
Trevor: I wrote in my notes, “Walkie-talkies have ruined Australia.” So much shit got wrecked, it was like the end of The Blues Brothers.
Then the BMX army showed up to…pelt the bank robbers with bags of flour? Like, not rocks or clubs? I thought Australians were badasses! BMX Bandits is going to be responsible for a whole new crop of racial stereotypes. Australians are bike-riding pussies who solve their problems by hurling bags of flour at each other!
Margaux: I love that a giant Benny Hill style BUBBLE BATH is what gets the cops to finally show up.And the cops have been privy to all the unfolding events because those walkie-talkies actually interrupt their frequency and with all that Australian man power, cannot for the life of them, locate three dickhead kids. Until there’s a bubble explosion in the middle of town.
Trevor: Accompanied by olde-tyme saloon pianey. I was so confused at the end of this. And at the beginning. And during the middle.
Margaux: Not during doing the water park chase scene, where Judy, PJ and Goose go down a water slide WITH their bikes? Ya know, like you do, fully clothed. I swear, that semi-final chase scene went through three different songs before it was over, it was so long. And I’m pretty sure we got the tour of all of Australia then too.
Trevor: See, readers, if you’ve never seen this movie, it probably sounds like we’re just saying a bunch of random shit – water park! Graveyard! Walkie-talkies! Bubble explosion! But, no, that’s BMX Bandits. This happened.
And look, I know I’m not the demographic for this, but it was so, so weird. Would kids get this? I feel like even kids could tell that PJ and Goose couldn’t act for shit.
Margaux: I feel like it is for kids, but to sell them shit. Like, look at how cool and bright their clothes and bikes are. If you work hard, or just steal something from someone else and sell it to your friends (like baby drug dealers), then you too can be like these kids. Everyone and thing was so purposefully nameless/faceless, it felt like a long BMX bike commercial. Like something today that would be split up into mini “webisodes” on YouTube and be called native advertising.
Random note: Kidman’s stunt double was totally a man. And her bike trick montage was hilarious set to a song I assume is called, “I See Boys.” Never laughed harder.
Trevor: That was so clearly not Kidman. But how cool would it be if it was? If she showed up at the next Oscars doing BMX tricks on the red carpet, I would shit your pants.
Margaux: Did you completely forget that all the BMX gang wanted out of this, was a cool place where they just…ride, man. Cause I did. SO much time was spent on those walkie talkies, it really wiped my memory clean about anything else going on in this movie.
Trevor: Then the track just shows up at the end, and they kind of just ride off into the sunset. Fin.
Margaux: With trophies, Trevor, don’t forget the trophies! That production designer put a lot of effort into not customizing them.
Trevor: Hahaha, I think we’ve run out of things to say about BMX Bandits. Well, actually we haven’t, we never will, but no one wants to read a 3,000 word treatise on Brian Trenchard-Smith’s magnum opus. You wanna talk stars? You clearly enjoyed the hell out of this, while it just kind of baffled and angered me (but to be fair, so do most things). I’ll let you spearhead this.
Margaux: Question before we get on with wrapping this up, what did Trenchard-Smith go on do, if anything?
Trevor: Two direct-to-video Leprechaun movies.
Margaux: Look, if you want to find out what a literal grave meet-cute looks and sounds like, BMX Bandits is for you! JK. This kind of obvious cheesiness is exactly why I wanted to start Bad Movie Review. BMX Bandits might not be a classic, in the traditional sense, but if you love to watch bad movies, this is the one. And it’s Kidman’s very first role, 3.5 stars – I did space out during the endless montages though.
Trevor: I think the montages went on even when the movie was on pause.
About Author
