As per tradition, the Golden Raspberry Awards were handed out tonight, the night before the Academy Awards. The Razzies celebrate seriously shitty filmmaking, so let’s see who received the dubious honor this year. The winners will be in bold.
Worst Picture
Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
Left Behind
The Legend of Hercules
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Transformers: Age of Extinction
All jokes aside, Kirk Cameron can take his sanctimonious Bible-thumping and shove it up his ass. Fuck off, milk drinker. The only downside to him winning this is that he won’t learn a goddamn thing.
Worst Actor
Kirk Cameron, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
Nicolas Cage, Left Behind
Kellan Lutz, The Legend of Hercules
Seth MacFarlane, A Million Ways to Die in the West
Adam Sandler, Blended
Haha, I’m finding these out in real time (I have another tab open with the list of winners). It’s gotta suck to be Kirk Cameron – not only was the movie with your name in the title the worst film of the year, but you gave the year’s worst performance in it.
Worst Actress
Drew Barrymore, Blended
Cameron Diaz, Sex Tape and The Other Woman
Melissa McCarthy, Tammy
Charlize Theron, A Million Ways to Die in the West
Gaia Weiss, The Legend of Hercules
Honestly, I expected Kirk Cameron to win this one too.
Worst Supporting Actor
Mel Gibson, Expendables 3
Kelsey Grammer, Expendables 3, Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return, Think Like a Man Too, and Transformers: Age of Extinction
Shaquille O’Neal, Blended
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Expendables 3
Kiefer Sutherland, Pompeii
Haha, what the fuck, Frasier? Go back to playing Sideshow Bob in Simpsons episodes of steadily declining quality.
Worst Supporting Actress
Cameron Diaz, Annie
Megan Fox, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Nicola Peltz, Transformers: Age of Exctinction
Susan Sarandon, Tammy
Brigitte Ridenour (nee Cameron), Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
How is Megan Fox still a thing? She can’t act for shit, and by all accounts she’s an entitled bitch who no one can stand working with. Also I think I read somewhere that she believes in ghosts. Or aliens. Or something that’s an easy way to tell if someone is a moron.
Worst Director
Michael Bay, Transformers: Age of Exctinction
Darren Doane, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
Renny Harlin, The Legend of Hercules
Jonathan Liebesman, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Seth MacFarlane, A Million Ways to Die in the West
Bay is kind of low-hanging fruit, don’t you think? Say what you will about his movies – and they are all so, so bad – but the man knows how to direct an explosion.
Worst Screen Combo
Any Two Robots, Actors (or Robotic Actors), Transformers: Age of Extinction
Kirk Cameron and His Ego, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel, Sex Tape
Kellan Lutz and Either His Abs, Pecs, or Glutes, The Legend of Hercules
Seth MacFarlane and Charlize Theron, A Million Ways to Die in the West
This is a bizarre category, 60% of which is clearly designed for Razzie members to voice really specific complaints, but I’m favor of any category that acts as another “fuck you” to Kirk Cameron.
Worst Screenplay
Darren Doane and Cheston Hervey, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
Paul LaLonde and John Patus, Left Behind
Kate Angelo, Jason Segel, and Nicholas Stoller, Sex Tape
Ehren Kruger, Transformers: Age of Extinction
Evan Daugherty, Andre Nemec, and Josh Applebaum, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
I am shocked that Saving Christmas wasn’t written by Kirk Cameron. Also, “Cheston Hervey” is the worst porn name I’ve ever heard.
Worst Remake, Rip-Off, or Sequel
Annie
Atlas Shrugged: Who is John Galt?
The Legend of Hercules
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Transformers: Age of Extinction
Man, what a shitty year to be Cameron Diaz. Or more specifically, Cameron Diaz’s publicist. “I think Cameron would be perfect for this role!” “Yeah, but isn’t she terrible by any conceivable metric?” “…”
The Razzie Redeemer Award
Ben Affleck, “From Razzie winner for Gigli to Oscar darling for Argo and Gone Girl“
Jennifer Aniston, “From 4-time Razzie nominee to SAG Award nominee for Cake“
Mike Myers, “From Razzie winner for The Love Guru to docu director of Supermensch“
Keanu Reeves, “From 6-time Razzie nominee to the critically acclaimed John Wick“
Kristen Stewart, “From 6-time Razzie winner to the art house hit Camp X-Ray“
This is basically the equivalent of Jim Breuer quitting his job in Half-Baked. “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, – you’re cool – fuck you, I’m out!”
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