I remember my first cosplay experience. I wasn’t doing the cosplaying mind you, rather I was watching from a brewery patio as a group of youths strutted about merrily in their homemade costumes. How excited they were as they ran by in their anime outfits, their arms trailing behind them in the wind. We’d hold up our beers from the patio and cheers to them as they skipped along. They’d bow or throw their hands about in some odd display of finger wookery. “You do you,” I’d say with a smile. Then a man in his late 30s dressed as D.Va would walk by; his beer gut hanging out, his neckbeard recently trimmed, and his chest hair rippling against the cheap spandex stretched tight between his puffy nips. “You do you?” I’d say under my breath, wishing I hadn’t.
The costumes I always found most fascinating were those that were rooted in some sort of obscure, non-existent story arch. Something like Catwoman, but for some reason she has actual cat feet and embarrassing whiskers that she has to have waxed regularly. Or maybe something like Masterchief, but with a thong and big boobies because why not? Whatever the weird twist may be, it’s typically done well, it looks professional enough, but it still feels like a new haircut that you’re unsure about.
You can look in the mirror and still see you, but it doesn’t quite feel like you. As a long time fan of the games, I had much the same impression when I saw the promotional photos Netflix put out for their new series, The Witcher. I liked them, but I’m trying to convince myself with this article as much as you.
First on the list, is Ciri. This is Ciri. Ciri is a 13-year-old child in the books. Since Netflix’s The Witcher series is based on the books and not the video games, Ciri doesn’t have her tits out, and that’s a good thing. So, to all the knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, neckbeard-weilding, stank-ass, 10-ply, rightfully-under-sexed, dickheads who took to Reddit to bitch about how a 13-year-old girl wasn’t sexy enough, sit and swivel. “But, but, but the actress isn’t 13!” No, she’s 17, and the character is still 13, and you’re still a pervy, pedo prick.
I personally think they’ve done a great job with Ciri. In fact, of the three official, fully costumed characters in the promotional photos, I’d say she’s the best. Brace yourselves for a nerd alert, because here it comes. Ciri was the child surprise promised to Geralt by her grandmother, Calanthe, after he lifted a curse from her daughter’s love interest. It’s all a bit more complicated than that and it actually involves some degree of bestiality, but we’ll keep it simple.
He left and promised to come back after she grew up a bit. Years went by and he decided to absolve Queen Calanthe of their contract. Ciri was then set up to marry some guy 10 years her senior in Verden. She fled into the nearby forest where she ran into none other than Geralt. Thus, confirming the concept of destiny in the world of The Witcher. I believe the promo picture is from somewhere around that period.
The actress certainly looks the right age and build, she has the ashen, not white, hair from the books, and I think the costume is quite well done. The only bit I take issue with is that her eyes aren’t clearly emerald green as described throughout the story. They almost have more of a blue tint to them, but that could just as easily be a trick of the lighting.
Next up is Geralt himself. Now, I made it quite clear in my last article that I would’ve preferred Mads Mikkelsen for the part, but I have to say, Cavill doesn’t look too bad. They’ve made some definite improvements from the original announcement snippet.
His hair looks realistic, his eyes look mysterious, and the costume is pretty close to what’s described in the books. If anything, they made him a little more buff, like Legolas with a steroid problem, but I think that’s a good thing overall. It’s definitely more imposing than the ropey, kind of lanky figure described by Sapkowski.
Ultimately, I think it’s going to be the voice that sells me on Cavill. Geralt is said to have a very harsh, raspy voice, and if Cavill comes out sounding like Christian Bale in The Dark Knight, I imagine it’ll kill the mood faster than a fart between the sheets.
Last of the official promos is Yennefer. Ah, Yen. This is where many of the CD Projekt Red fans had aneurysms. “She’s too young, she’s not white, she hasn’t got her tits out.” Sit and swivel, neck-beards, sit and swivel. To the first statement regarding her being too young, the lore states that enchantresses would freeze their age…Late nerd alert… Yen is well into her 80s, and maybe older, yet she is described as looking 20 and having the skin of a 16-year-old.
I think they kind of nailed that in their casting of Anya Chalotra. Now, whether that actually plays out well on screen, we’ll have to wait and see. Geralt looking like a man in his 40s and Yen looking no older than 20 may be a little lost in translation. I believe that’s probably why they upped her apparent age in the games. Ultimately, it’s going to fall on Anya to portray a woman with the wisdom of 80 years in the body of 20 years to really sell us on the character.
As for her not being white, so? Where in the story is it required for her to play the part of Snow White? She ain’t white and that’s alright. It takes absolutely nothing away from the story, and those bitching about it are the same ones pissed about the lack of 13-year-old boobs.
Overall, I’m glad that Netflix is going their own way with things and staying closer to the books. As much as I love the games, cough cough 100% completion, all side quests, hunts, and endings on The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt and expansions, cough cough, I think this needs to be its own thing. I mean honestly, how many good game-to-film translations are there? Maybe a couple of the Resident Evil films and the first Silent Hill? Do we really want to put such a beloved story through that same shitty cash-grab mentality? It’s different, and I for one think that’s a good thing.
Netflix’s The Witcher is set stream this Fall, 2019.
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