It’s another round of cuts on last nights episode of America’s Next Top Model. Samir and I live-blog our thoughts on “The Guy Who Gets a Second Chance”.
Samir: The Guy Who Gets a Second Chance… for degradation at the hands of Tyra Banks and her team of evil fashion minions.
Margaux: Way to spoil it up front, Samir.
Samir: Well that is the reason we watch the show so it’s not a total spoiler- it’s a foregone conclusion that people’s autonomy and common sense are soon-to-be meals for Team Tyra, whether they “win” or not.
Margaux: Where’s Corey? Why is the weird Italian magician-”photographer”, from the Nail Fashion Shoot challenge last cycle here? Other than to steal their young souls in his flashbulb.
Samir: To add extra torture to their next challenge. His eyeliner is terrifying.
Interesting test of their quick-change skills, they have 60 seconds to pick an outfit, consisting of 3 items, and catch each NYC subway train to their next seasonal rack of outfits, and model the outfits along the way. The Booch Tooch train stops for no one. And if you’re not fierce enough, you are kicked off the train!
Margaux: Ya darn Boochin’. Ugh- I take that back instantly.
If their challenge photoshoot wasn’t frantic enough, their photos will not be touched up before being critiqued. Lenox literally misses the train when they switch to Summer. Luckily for her, about a handful of them get left behind during the switch to Fall.
Samir: He is really berating these kids, like this is some sort of championship game or they’re fighting to get into a good college after high school.
Margaux: If you think about it, most of these people have never won a championship or gotten into a good college, so this is as close as it’s for everyone involved.
Matthew don’t-call-me-Matt may be hot but he’s been called “boring” four times in two episodes, probably not a good sign.
Samir: That’s the next big thing in modeling- boring pretty. He’s just ahead of his time. Tyra will create a slogan to promote in cycle 47.
Margaux: Quick! Amend the Tyra dictionary to reflect the new term, “boring-pretty”.
Danny Boy and Boring Matt go head to head at the end of the challenge, the surprising final two on the train. If first impressions are everything Matt, it’s not best to be called ‘boring’ by people who make cuts on the Booch Tooch train to Top Model land.
Samir: Was that the name of Tyra’s book? Modeland? I’ll just buy a ticket to visit.
Aw, poor Danny loses the challenge to Matthew, who compares it to the beautiful 45 seconds he spent having penetrative sex for the first time.
Margaux: Haha I know everyone’s first time isn’t as special as they want it to be but damn, that’s sad.
Samir: And don’t forget Romeo, our resident Wiccan black raincloud unloads on the happy crowd afterwards- I think he’s corralling his powers to destroy Danny.
Samir: Will, our Catholic Texan gay dancer, is clearly becoming better friends with the girls in this environment. He keeps talking about schooling all the girls in strutting the runway in heels, he better demonstrate soon.
Margaux: He can walk better in heels than all the girl models there, he’ll be giving them a run for their money.
Oh! Challenge number two, bondage at the beach! And the Guess photographer from last cycle is the new Johnny Wujek in the Booch Tootch era. Full disclosure, I’m gonna overuse Booch Tootch – fast.
Samir: You stoopid booch. But I totally understand.
Also, the announcement that “Yutai” will be their photographer ALL season- so it’s official, no respectable photographer wants to have anything to do with Tyra, or the idea of working with/for her.
Kelly- please don’t play matchmaker.
Margaux: Seriously Kelly, no one wants you to shoot cupids arrow.
I cannot even with Adam, is he even real? I’ve read about raging asshole bros of his kind before but some of the misogynist shit that comes out of mouth…how is alive?
Samir: Poor Ben looks like he was hired to model at Folsom Street Fair and is just figuring out, too late, what it is. The worst critique- “You look like you have a stomach problem.” Could be worse- he says Jamie Ray is “dead inside” as she walks off set! Does Yutai mean “asshole?”
Margaux: Matt’s reign might be shorted lived, he continues to be unliked by every photographer he comes across. “He models from the waist up, modeling is from head to toe”. SICK BURN.
Samir: So he wants to see more action below the waist- well that’s nothing new.
Margaux: Yu Tsai is bringing the bitchy comments this Booch Tootch, Kelly needs to step her insult game up.
Samir: With Bryan Boy out of the picture, who else will say stupid crap that doesn’t help anyone in every episode?
Margaux: Josh the Farm Boy has potential, if he stops squishing up his face or maybe Yu Tsai to stop negging him by saying he needs a “cow” to feel more natural. Followed by a supercut of insults and “modeling”…
Ick Adam he has to do pushups to pump himself before a shoot. Adam doesn’t blink in front of the camera, HE’S A ROBOT – CALLED IT – I CALL EVERYTHING.
Danny’s poses consisted of jumping and doing Warriors pose. I wonder if that’s part of Romeo’s spell at work…
Samir: Wow, concluding with an orgy on the beach photoshoot now- literally a bunch of scantily-clad men and women writhing together in the sand.
Margaux: In bondage! Someone is totally getting pregnant this season.
Samir: “You had sex?!!” Sorry, flashback to cycle two in Italy.
Poor Josh is desperate to stay, and says so on camera, so he’s clearly out. Too bad.
Margaux: Here comes the 14 finalist cut! Tyra can feel Romeo’s Bitch-Craft radiating from the group shot.
Samir: Aww, Danny has the highest number of “likes.” I wonder what that means…
Margaux: THIS IS WHY WE NEED BRYAN BOY – JK, I’m sure it doesn’t mean or count for anything. This is Top Model afterall.
Samir: APPARENTLY INSISTING THAT a photographer call you by your actual name is being rude. I always thought people getting your name wrong and not caring was rude, but employment is different in the fashion world.
Margaux: Matthew don’t-call-me-Matt strikes again! At least he’s not being boring?
Samir: That group cheer about the amazing season to be is sad.
Margaux: Tyra’s pause between “Welcome to America” and “Top Model” addressing Yu Tsai, unintentionally hilarious.
Tyra greets the 22 remaining contestants with her “glasses” on, meaning, Business Tyra is present.
Samir: She needs the glasses to see the finer details of the losers’ crushed expressions when they’re eliminated.
Margaux: Wait, the title of this episode is misleading because technically they all get a second chance before being finally eliminated.
Samir: Why is it necessary to do it this way except to make these kids’ hearts explode out of their chests?
Margaux: Double the humiliation for Tyra’s pleasure?
Samir: She does love ribs…
Margaux: Tyra’s real motive for keeping Romeo around? She wants to learn some spells.
Samir: Is it just me or does farmboy look like Joel McHale’s long lost brother?
Margaux: GASP! YOU ARE SO RIGHT!! Too bad he’s gonzo 😐 And because the world is a cruel, unjust place – Adam gets to move into the house.
Samir: Woe is the Top Model republic…
Tyra, you don’t have to worry about the blogs cursing you out for eliminating two of the hotter guys. We’ve been cursing you out for years, long before now.
Margaux: Romeo’s spell of banishing Danny worked! Buh-bye Danny Boy, the pipes must be leaking somewhere!
Samir: From glen to glen, keep on keepin on little man. Maybe third time’s the charm- this show will never end, it’ll just keep progressing like dementia.
Margaux: Maybe they’ll do a Top Model: Short Dudes cycle with Terry Richardson as “Creative Director”.
Samir: I can’t wait to see the “living art fashion show” with them in designs like they’ve “never seen” next week. We’ve seen her force impressionable idiots into walking inside a giant clear balloon on a 6-inch wide beam runway over a swimming pool, and tread screaming through stone halls like they’re in a horror movie. How much crazier can she get?
Margaux: You’re forgetting last cycles insane runway show, down the side of a building, IN THE RAIN. Tyra cares not about your safety – MODEL THROUGH IT, HEAD TO TOE.
Samir: I say 3.5 stars again, it’s still percolating, but looking to boil over soon.
Margaux: The model-testants are already fighting with each other, soon, one will stand on a table top and shout/point at another. Now that the fat has been trimmed, ANTM can really get started! 3.5 it is.
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