Samir and I took last week off from America’s Next Top Model and we’ve got double the reviews today.
Margaux: Living art gets bastardized TyTy-style, in a silly string runway show to kick off ANTM’s “The Girl Who’s a Player”.
Samir: It’s a risque model runway like we have never seen…silly string over g-strings?? WTF is this shit? Why do they keep talking like they’re actually naked and that they’ll be unveiled if the silly string falls?
Margaux: Because all the dudes want to think they have a huge donger that silly string cannot contain.
Samir: Matthew included, who says that he is “not attracted to that many girls.” So you’re bisexual?
Margaux: Excuse me, I need 30 seconds of uninterrupted laughing for that excellent comment.
Samir: Granted. In the meantime, are we to get that Mirjana is the titular girl here?
Margaux: Okay, I’m back. And yes? I think? Maybe it should be the girl who gets played cause poor little Ivy has a wiccken spell cast upon her in the green room before the runway show.
Samir: Uh-oh- Romeo is casting spells again! He admitted that he cast a spell to have cute li’l Danny eliminated, so is this a true test of his powers?
Margaux: Spoiler alert, I think so – Ivy gets axed at the end of the episode. Miss J seems truly afraid to say anything negative to Romeo’s face…THE POWER OF SATAN COMPELS YOU!
Samir: Poor Gay Catholic Dancer from Texas Will is really afraid of posing next to the built muscular men. But what’s he really afraid of? I think the producers convinced him to say how concerned he was because he is obviously wearing a g-string, as mentioned earlier. Maybe it’s because the bigs globs of silly string hanging of their bulges just limply flops around when they walk. How is that less obscene than a real dong I ask?
Margaux: Of course, Confident Keith looks like he was born to do this sort of batshit dumb runway show. Boy looks good.
Samir: Damn good- and he’s still in love with Kari, who has enchanting eyes…
Margaux: LORD NEVER EVER DO SPREAD EAGLE – ANYWHERE – ADAM. LET ALONE HALF NAKED, AT A SILLY STRING RUNWAY SHOW. NOPETOWN DOT COM.
Samir: Yeah his frat-bro antics were never entertaining. Also, I love how the guest judge of the runway show calls one of the models “one of his top favorites,” because apparently they’re all his favorites, even the ones he hates.
Margaux: I do appreciate Keith straight up laying the mack down after he wins the arbitrary runway show, and the keys to the TyTy suite, and invites Kari.
Samir: And he actually made an effort NOT to sleep with, but just sleep next to in the Tyra suite- whooda thunk men knew how to do that nowadays? His celebratory little dance move in the interview box would make a nice gif.
Margaux: She literally says when they get in bed, “I won’t fuck you” but agrees to a cuddle/spoon session. Which, come on…KEITH…who knew someone could finally make that name sexy.
Samir: Everyone’s reaction to the house is typical amazement by some, and mundane acceptance by others. Matthew has to make the obligatory notice that Tyra’s pictures everywhere are part of the house’s beauty. At least someone remembered, and that bit of tape will prove valuable to his survival I think.
Margaux: I love how EVERY ANTM model houses theme is: TYRA. Also, other gay men in the house – HOLLER AT WILL, HE IS ADORABLE.
Samir: Poor guy, must suck to watch all the hot straight guys getting flirty with the ladies, and having no one to cuddle with him in the house 🙁
Margaux: Case in point…
Samir: Mirjana, spooning with Matthew in bed, and saying that “nothing is too deep… just yet” after she tells us of what a jerk her BF is in interviews, something Matthew doesn’t know-scandal!
But he promoted her on Twitter, so now he’s a good guy. But she just gave herself the kiss of death on reality competition shows! “This is America’s Next Top model, not ‘America’s find the next lover’”
Margaux: When you realize Mirjana is 18, you should instantly discard everything she ever says because she doesn’t know what the shit she talking about.
Samir: Dear Lord, Tyra is waterboarding the models for their next photo challenge while expounding on the necessary gifts a top model, male and female must possess. It’s all supposed to be a meta-moment, to create the intro that will start the show for the remainder of the season. And of course she must do it herself to show them how much better she is at this than they will ever be.
Margaux: Don’t forget, it’s all about: BLACK AND WHITE PHOTOGRAPHY, ART. And also for the dudes to show off their abs, I mean, their BOOM BOOM BOOM. Her latest “feature” catchphrase.
Samir: Of course Adam has the “BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM”cuz he’s got that V.
Margaux: Pretty boy Matthew is perfectly captured in the immortal words of Yu Tsai, “he needs to learn how to model…like a model….” Much poignancy. Very deep.
Samir: Yeah, because it’ll be difficult to work as a model if you don’t model…like a model.
Margaux: “Poor Will” is basically his subplot in this episode, he totally biffs the photoshoot. And the final product is…terrible. Though it’s sweet Tyra defends his photo as “artsy”.
Samir: Romero is working his wiccan magical powers to deflate Ivy before her shoot, and it works. But not before Yu Tsai insists that Keith pull down his pants to reveal his package getting wet from the water.
Margaux: Gosh Samir, aren’t you so sick of people belittling other people ALL IN THE NAME OF MODELING?!
Samir: It’s a necessary evil? Because we all need humor in our lives. Or schadenfreude.
Margaux: The models all get drunk in the house and Adam claims a 1520 on his SATs as proof of his intelligence.
Samir: Isn’t it out of like 2200 now or something? Is that really impressive?
Margaux: I was surprised he knew what the SATs are, that he took the test is…questionable, at best. Top three percent of parties that’s also a NERD? DON’T THINK SO BRAH.
Samir: Going as a nerd for Halloween once Adam does not make you one.
Margaux: EW ADAM WEARS SANDALS TO ELIMINATION?! WHY IS HE STILL AROUND?! I DON’T WANNA SEE YOUR FEET WEIRDO – NEITHER DOES AMERICA (OR ITS TOP MODELS).
Samir: Hey Quentin Tarantino might… It’s because his V abs “boom boom boom sliced it,” and while we’re on that- Tyra is saying “boom-boom-boom” WAY too much, like she’s brainwashing the gaggle of modeltestants.
Margaux: Why does Kelly keep trying to make Matthew and Mirjana a thing? Her calling them out at panel made it so much more uncomfortable than it usually is.
Samir: Tyra’s mockery of Mirjana’s sexy blow-up doll mouth was too sexy, and provides us with more golden gif-related imagery, as if blowing an imaginary penis floating in front of her.
Miss Jay being scared of Romeo’s powers is pretty funny, a better running theme than his decision to represent a different fashion era in every judging this season.
Margaux: To no one’s surprise, Tyra calls out Keith for being a “manaconda” – watch out Jon Hamm and Idris Elba, Keith coming for that title.
But being a manaconda pays off two times for Keith in “The Girl Who’s a Player” – making this title more confusing. Keith wins Best Photo of the week, followed by Lennox -who did have the best picture out of the girls -in 2nd place. It comes down to Will and Ivy, Will barely edges out Ivy in social media scores but makes the cut. Like the last few cycles of ANTM, Ivy isn’t totally out – she has the chance to be voted back into the contest towards the end of the season.
Samir: So Romeo’s spell worked again!
Margaux: It would appear so, I wonder who Romeo will set his sights on next.
Don’t forget to catch up on “The Guy Who Gets a Beard Weave” next!
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