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What torturous “challenges” will Tyra put these hopeful model-testants through this week on America’s Next Top Model? Join Samir and I in our recap of America’s Next Top Model episode “The Girl Who Got Five Frames”.
Margaux: Last weeks Best Photo winner Will all up in the Tyra Suite – what, what!
Samir: I had a feeling Will wouldn’t invite Matt to the Tyra Suite 🙁
Margaux: That’s okay because Ben’s unwanted package is ruining Will’s enjoyment anyway. I like that Ben sorta, kinda tried to rain on Will and Raelia’s Tyra Suite twerk session. Tres rude brah.
Samir: Lenox is understandably rattled by the TyTy smackdown from last week. She also mentioned her family in the first 5 minutes, a kiss of death on this show.
Margaux: With Romeo banished (but never forgotten) from the house, the couples of ANTM have created the “lovers suite”. And that shit is gross. Kari/Keith & Marijana/Denzel, smashed their twin beds together like an STD-ridden Lucy and Ricky orgy. I want less romance and more model put downs, if I want watch people dry hump with no chemistry, I’ll watch softcore porn, thank you very much.
Samir: Just like all the hubbub over the meta challenge creating the intro, the end product is pretty lame.
Margaux: Speaking of challenges, ANTM has seemingly switched around their format, leading with photoshoots first. And of course, the challenge photographer immediately calls out Lenox, “you especially have to make them count”. Dude, she knows.
Samir:Of course she does, how many times did we hear the words “five frames”?
Margaux: Probably until they repeat it enough times that we too feel the same level of terror as Lenox does. Marijana has figured out to dump her boyfriend she was crazy about in the first episode, she’s “just going to write a letter” – Denzel and Marijana’s showmance will end in flames and it will fantasic.
PS: Adam looks like Chris Angel in this photoshoot.
Samir: And he gave up grad school to do so. He takes this SERIOUSLY. The hair band makeovers on the dudes are legit terrible.
Margaux: Yu Tsai is starting to “check-in” with the models before he shoots them, not sure if he’s trying get in their heads or just bored of standing around and yelling at PA’s.
Samir: Well most have a better time than Lenox, who just breaks down after the pressure of 3 botched frames.
Margaux: Her crying sounds like a hamster that’s gotten stuck on a wheel, if Lenox can pull it together though, I’m sure she can get it the shot. She’s got faboosh hair. Lenox also brought out the softer side of Yu Tsai with her tears.
Samir: Who knew he had that in him? Denzel’s look soon eclipses any thoughts I just had- the combination of costume-shop beard weave and costume wig is a combo that perplexes me but almost makes sense for an “avant garde” hair shoot.
Margaux: Poor Keith chokes under the pressure of having to work a weave, Yu Tsai has tired of “cute Keith”. Eh, I think the look works just fine for him.
Samir: Like the reverse of Sampson, you give him hair and he loses his powers.
Margaux: Ha! To be fair, with the exception of Will, all the guys struggle to make their wig work and with good reason – there are mirrors around, they know what they look like!
Samir: Raelia: “Let’s talk about class-you don’t have it!” Truer words about Marijana and Denzel.
Margaux: That line is this cycles “I worked at a bank!”. Also, Raelia tells Denzel this as he makes a LIQUID CHEESE SANDWICH. Rut roh…Ben has a acoustic guitar – calm the fuck down John Mayer. Oh my, it gets worse, he wants to write a song for panel. WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT’S A GOOD IDEA OR POSITIVELY AFFECT YOUR SCORE.
Samir: And working with Adam?! This has an air of doom akin to Dennis Wilson taking in Charles Manson back in the day.
Margaux: More so than Lenox missing her family in a solo interview and then having a freak out on set? Actually, wait – no, you’re right. I bet Lenox will end up with an amazing shot and Ben and Adam will get laughed out of panel.
Samir: The hula hoop girl from last cycle is here to present extra special guest, the recently homeless Nick Cannon. And the bottom three are team leaders to create a “high fashion party” in the house, and they’re in charge of decorating and styling the shoot, utilizing a tablet for some reason?
Margaux: Nick Cannon is pimping out his headphone line – gotta pay for that Mariah Carey divorce somehow. And you know he ain’t seeing any money from Mariah either when the ink dries but, I digress.
Ben, Adam and Lenox are dubbed team captains of their respective sinking ship, ad campaign challenge. Oddly enough, Adam excels at ordering people around. Ben and Lenox, not so much.
Samir: Yeah Lenox doesn’t seem to have much in the way of a plan except to flail aimlessly for the photographer. Kari certainly tries to pitch in and salvage something out of this.
Margaux: Ha, well look at that – Lenox pulls out a win. Only to be instantly hated on by Marijana, whatevs, haters gonna hate.
Samir: Dammit are the editors toying with us?? Playing on our awareness of their old patterns?
Margaux: Ben and Adam’s terrible song kicks off panel, casting a distinct sense of doom from the jump. Why’d they have to sit down on the runway? Why are they making it MORE awkward?!
ADAM YOUR RAP DOES NOT RHYME AND YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO GRAD SCHOOL ASAP.
Samir: OMG OMG OMG OMG PLEASE STOP!!!!! EVERYONE IS JOINING IN AND IT’S HORRIFYING!!!
The total dead silence around his rap, just made it’s sheer awfulness echo so you couldn’t escape.
Margaux: Ben gets dissed by an internet, fan video AND Tyra, gets a pity 10 for his song but his drag queen Flintstones pictures gets a 6.
Samir: But Tyra still has the hots for Matthew.
Margaux: And Keith!
Samir: Shei gets decent scores for a decent photo for once, that’s a surprise, I was forgetting she was even there.
Margaux: Same here, for all of Shei’s cool hair appeal, someone needs to put a bell on her. Oh geez, poor Raelia is getting picked on by Tyra for talking too fast, can’t say “The Rain in Spain Falls Mainly in the Plains”.
Samir: What, they’re doing My Fair Lady? And Tyra is the professor in this scenario? No.
Margaux: Obviously Tyra always thinks she’s the teacher and now she’s trying to Pygmalion Raelia. Moving on! From 1 to 10, the True America’s Next Top Model Story of Lenox. Knew she’d…whip…it…out. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!
Samir: She whipped it good she did. She has the Tyra suite next week! Will she invite a boy or a girl?
Margaux: I was almost excited to see the bottom two be Kari and Keith, the lovers face off! Too bad, it’s just Ben and Keith, whomp whomp.
Samir: Will his dorm-room acoustic composition go the way of all such creations?
Margaux: Ben is sent home, to presumably continue working on becoming a musician/actor/dancer/model. I also love Matthew nodding thoughtfully along to Tyra dismissing Ben.
Samir: He’s still hearing that great song in his head, he’s just feeling it. I think I’ll have to add that song to my iPod to remind myself that no matter how bad things get, I will never have done that. 5 stars… for the schadenfreude of listening to your song. 4 stars for the episode.
Margaux: It’s just ironic that the chorus to Ben’s little diddy is, “I wanna be on top…top…top”. Welp you went home…home…home. Cause you’re never gonna get on top…top…top. 4 stars.
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