Samir and I are self-proclaimed America’s Next Top Model experts; it’s only natural we pretty much live blog the cycle 21 premiere, “The Boyz R Back”. Enter the model land of Pot Ledom (that’s Top Model backwards) with us.
Samir: To start, we find a disoriented-looking Tyra made up like “30-Never” and lost in “Top Model dreams” with a Pre-teen Tyra and Miss Jay? It must be hard for her to out-crazy herself each “cycle.”
Margaux: YAY! Corey’s back
Samir: Is he like the new Bryan Boy for ANTM part time hosting duties?
Margaux: Not sure but he’s definitely more interesting and has a better personality than last cycles winner “I was married and divorced at nineteen” Jourdan.
Samir: Yes, well at least he has a personality, one that doesn’t rely on having made horrible life mistakes.
Margaux: Let’s meet some model hopefuls. First up to have a talking head moment is Kari, she instantly brings up being single and dating, this does not bode well for her. And there is Romeo from Salinas who apparently a witch and instantly hates on Danny Boy from Staten Island (who didn’t make it past the first cut in cycle 20).
Samir: Romeo’s neck tattoo is so high fashion too.
Margaux: Pretty sure it’s plural, neck tattooS.
Samir: Also, the two way mirror that lets each segregated by gender group watch each other strut, and speak to each other through their cheers for each other. Peeping Top Model?
Margaux: When did this show turn into Tinder and The Dating Game had bastard child they let out of the attic in 2014?
Samir: Which is why I hope that the gay catholic dancer from Texas who wants to school the ladies in how to work the runway in heels makes it.
Margaux: We’re at the runway show and TYRA’S TRUCKER HAT – I’M IN A TIME MACHINE. HERE COMES MISS J, THE PREMONITIONS WERE TRUE! HASHTAG MISS J’S COMEBACK.
Samir: In a black cape and mask. Announcing “I’m back” like Carol Anne in Poltergeist announcing the return of the evil spirits. Is he responsible for the theme of this runway show?
Margaux: WAIT…as each contestant comes out, the models have individual hashtags for themselves, who comes up with them?!
Samir: I don’t know, but why are they in ultraviolet paint on their bodies? Did they hand out tabs of molly for this show? AND they have to take selfies- which they’ll be judged on? Who knew they also had to be their own photographers? Is Tyra still having trouble getting respected photographers to work for her on this show?
Margaux: Taking a selfie is basically the most unflattering photo one could attempt to take of themselves. Especially amateur models.
But this runway show is “EDM/Selfie” themed, following the tradition of nonsensical Top Model challenges. Doing drugs could only help, I know it’s helping us.
Samir: I hate “Adam” the douchey frat bro- I hope that doesn’t mean he’ll stick around. Which is what usually happens when I hate someone on reality TV.
Margaux: Hahaha he looks like he missed the casting call for Bachelorette. Get outta here, Mr. Top 1% of partiers in the world. THAT’S NOT A THING.
Samir: And The Big Brother casting too – a “self-proclaimed partier.”
Also we should make note that this season is subtitles “Tooch Booch”.
Margaux: Post-runway, it’s time for the judges (Tyra, Miss J, and Kelly Cutrone) to meet the contestants. Let the tears flows kids!
Samir: Big surprise, Kelly Cutrone is still a joyless wonder. Just shut down that poor Iowa boy. I’ve seen the reality show about Kelly’s PR business, she is the last person who should talk about professionalism.
Margaux: There are no words to describe how hard I laughed when Romeo busted out his new stack of TAROTS CARDS FOR CASUAL READINGS FOR THOSE INTERESTED IN WICKEN CULTURE. Seriously, who the fuck is this guy?!?!
Samir: OMG romeo is trying to spread the power of Witchcraft! Tarot readings and handing out books. “You guys have never read this book before?” The Wiccan Jehovah’s Witness is upon Top Model Cycle 21.
Margaux: Lenox, first to cry, which is good for Tyra since she stays young with contestants tears. Tyra LOOOOVES bringing up your past if it was traumatizing.
Samir: Her Father only passed away two weeks ago, she’s rubbing salt in fresh wounds right now. I think she bathes in these tears, and they’re more efficacious if they’re from fresh tragedies.
Margaux: Drama ensues pretty quick for the boyz, Romeo the Witch vs Danny Boy from Staten Island – so expect Danny to come down with a “mysterious illness” soon.
Samir: “When I win this competition, you can call me America’s Next Top Witch.” Watch out for Romeo, his sense of moral superiority has already started to wear thin.
Margaux: Tyson Beckford has a new stalker in Keith, a former pro football player and looks like Tyson Beckford if he played football. So the obsession is sort of founded.
Samir: Keith is pretty fine- but Tyra works hard to make his football skills unsexy by insisting on playing shadow football with him and forcing him to dance for her.
“Jamie Ray” looks like she’s made of plastic.
Margaux: Or like a common prostitute. America’s Next Top Call Girl?
At least Denzel’s impression of Denzel Washington is spot on, Improv is an option if this doesn’t work out.
Samir: Again, she forces him to perform for her. Perfect training for the modeling world? They are just monkey’s. And now, a montage of all the embarrassing moments from other people we probably won’t see much of.
Margaux: I can’t recall a cycle where Tyra tells a chick to go wash her face because she has too much make-up on. And it happens twice in this premiere episode with Jamie Rae and Raelia. Twerking Virgin and Upscale Webcam Girl.
Samir: You called it right on cue. But surprisingly Jamie Ray cleans up real good when they force her to let her skin breathe for once.
Margaux: Jamie Rae actually looks like Kate Upton once she un-does the horrible make-up job she voluntarily gives herself everyday.
Samir: Miss Jay doing racist hetero pantomime, to mock the guy from Louisiana that likes black girls, but only light-skinned ones. Gee I wonder what will happen to him by the end of the hour? Another girl who’s “been through a lot” is brought to tears by Tyra’s cruel inquisition. It’s called being alive- things sometimes happen.
Margaux: HAVEN’T THEY ALWAYS “BEEN THROUGH A LOT?” STARTING WITH DAD FIRST. TYRA IS COUNTING ALL THE POTENTIAL TEARS FOR HER BATH. Marjianna is good to go – Tyra ain’t sending her troubled past ass home.
Samir: They have 31 and have to whittle it down to 22 right now. Kelly’s brilliant comment- “A lot of kids are going home” – well, 9 to be precise Kelly.
Margaux: Observations like Cutrone’s above, further evidence why there was only one season of Kel on Earth.
Samir: And to add insult to injury, their fate will be revealed to them in a bowling alley. They each bowl once to reveal either a happy dancing bear sticker on the screen to tell them they stay, or a sad bear sticker to tell them they were eliminated. What better way to preach professionalism in the modeling industry than with a sticker that says “Yay” or “Sorry,” because that’s how you give people hope and dignity to leave with their heads held high.
Margaux: I like that everyone can witness “Sorry” sticker disappointment in plain view.
Samir: So we can all glory in Uniqua’s fate as one who will definitely not be America’s Next Top Model.
Margaux: It’s fine, most winners end up in Knitting Quarterly or a plaque psoriasis commercials, if they’re lucky.
Samir: Yes, McKey’s “legs for days” really get to shine in that medium. Knitwear.
Back to the current contestants,Chantelle is way prettier than the Republican burn victim from that cycle way back when. Tyra is over the plus-size or -fiercely real- look, she’s onto people with some kind of inescapably visible skin problem.
Margaux: Tyra’s “It” feature/quirk/flawsome thing that catches her eye changes every single season, it’s her thing has much as shipping these kids to foreign lands so they offend not just America. And intermittently doing their make-up for photo shoots.
Samir: And I was right, frat-bro stays 🙁
Margaux: HE BARKED TO CELEBRATE – ADAM IS GROSS. But the battle between Witch and Comeback Danny rages on, both make this cut.
Samir: Why are they all surprised that the real competition hasn’t started yet? Does ANTM ever start any cycle with 22 contestants? I would think if you can count, you would know you’re not finalists yet.
Margaux: Probably for the reasons associated with signing up for a reality competition show in the first place.
Samir: But they have all dreamed of this their whole lives, haven’t they? Since they watched from within their mother’s wombs apparently. I love how Tyra has to suffer the constant reminder that she’s old enough to be these kids’ mother, if only she could stand the burden of caring about another person long enough. I think there is hope for another entertaining disaster afoot.
Margaux: I just wish Tyra wouldn’t spend so much time on the gimmicky aspects of ANTM. She’s like your Cougar Aunt that sends you emails with “YOLO” in the subject line because she wants so badly to relate to you and all you wanna do is tell her to be herself because you like HER.
Samir: Overall, I say 3.5 stars- we’re just getting warmed up. I can’t wait until these malleable model-testants realize what sharing a house with 13 other people will do to their personalities and mental health.
Margaux: I’d agree, there’s more figurative weave snatching and tears for us to enjoy, we’re only getting started.
3 1/2 stars
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