If there are new episodes of America’s Next Top Model, you know Samir and I are gonna be tuning in every Wednesday night to review them. Welcome back to all the booch-toochin’ glory, and make sure you check out our podcast, We Were Rooting For You!
Samir: Dear Lord, I see Tyra is following the trend of starting at the end and showing us how we got there-except she didn’t actually show us anything meaningful in this regard. Other than that hideous jumpsuit, muscly arms and cropped hairdo.
Margaux: Tyra’s new hair cut is very, Tyra plus twenty-two model-testants. I can’t believe we’re back for cycle 22. Thankfully this doesn’t mean we’ve been watching Top Model for twenty-two years.
Samir: Nope, just 15 years. What does that say about me I wonder…
Margaux: Since Ty-Ty all about breaking those rules, especially the ones she makes herself, this first season where she’s gotten rid of height requirements, and the show welcomes their first deaf person.
Samir: I’m also noticing a more diverse group of guys here. I think it’s too early to call out who will go and who will stay, but I predict all but one will go home. Who’s standing out so far to you? Seems the girls were sharing whose boobs were fake and whose were real. Why is Tyra still hanging decisions on who goes and who stays based on their ability to take a selfie? Did that girl say “Oprah phone?”
Margaux: Oprah is too smart to lend her name to Samsung phones. Whatever it’s called though, I bet it has the Line app on it!
Samir: Pre-programmed like Apple Music and impossible to figure out how to delete. I can’t help but laugh at how they’re all going crazy over this red carpet in Hollywood where they’ll walk for a rented crowd. The overhead shot makes this red carpet look like the sad little manufactured nonsense it is. And then Kelly Cutrone walks in, proving that Tyra doesn’t listen to her fans. And judging by her outfit, Tyra doesn’t listen to stylists either.
Margaux: Her two-face jumpsuit says: “No one gets the way of Tyra’s dream, no matter how hideous the outfit”.
These initial runway way challenge get messier every season; from the Brits vs Yanks Universal City Walk runway show, to season where they made them scale the side of a building in the rain, having ‘fans’ jump on the stage with these inexperienced models who are still trying to figure out walking in general went about as well as it sounds.
Samir: Luckily Heroin Chic boy figured out the screaming “protesters” repping those home viewers angry about the height requirement on the show, were…ta-da! part of the challenge. Duh, obviously these people are not fans of amateur models no one has ever heard of. Someone actually said the words “I’m not afraid to look good” which saddens me, but these speedos the men are wearing are making that very difficult no matter how much self-esteem you have. Kelly’s constant complaints that people aren’t treating this like a serious fashion runway are not convincing me that she’s a respected professional. Of course they’re not taking this seriously Kelly, it’s ANTM and you’re here: this is the purest camp entertainment television has ever known!
Margaux: Cycle 22’s hashtag motto is: not too tall, not too short. I gotta say, I miss hashtag bootch tooch from last season.
Samir: Luckily for you, Tyra has asked the deaf contestant to mime and perform what he wants to say like a clown, just to show how accepting she is of people with disabilities, by which she means people who are not her. Because she STILL can’t keep herself from showing everyone she can model better than them, she GETS UP TO SHOW THE DEAF PERSON HOW TO EXPRESS HIMSELF WITHOUT THE SPOKEN WORD. In this case his assertion that not being able to hear will be an advantage, is quite possibly true because the biggest advantage of all is not being able to hear Tyra’s advice.
Margaux: Ha, that’s the first thing I thought too when Nyle said his disability was actually an advantage. Nyle is gonna bring the realness this season, I just have a feeling.
Samir: Nyle teaches us all a valuable lesson-you don’t need words to throw shade. You do need an interpreter. “Bello” (whether his crown cost $200 or a buck ninety nine as Nyle says) looks like entertainment personified-did he wear his 8th grade promotion robe to his first meeting with Tyra. Nobody believes his gorgeous eyes are real, but why did Miss Jay do a giant spit take at him?
Margaux: Miss Jay said Bello reminded him of some voodoo spell come true with his clear blue eyes. But did no one catch that Bello hadn’t graduated from 8th grade…
“Talk about family, I know you all struggled”, if Tyra doesn’t ask you this, you will not go very far in the competition.
Samir: Courtney’s overbite is epic, and either Tyra will insist on sending her to a dentist to have it erased, or she will insist that she flaunt that overbite like it was a national treasure. Hadassah, the pageant queen-there’s ALWAYS a pageant queen who aims to fuck shit up for everyone else to amuse herself and propel herself forward, be it on RPDR or ANTM. The girl with the boob job has already been shamed by the men as not being model material, what a shock. She probably denied everyone of them already by this point. She is standing very awkwardly in front of Tyra though, like standing straight isn’t possible anymore.
Margaux: I think it’s great she’s overcome anorexia and depression, it never ceases to amaze me that they let people like Alexa on the show. Top Model isn’t going to help you continue to cope those problems, if anything maybe make them worse.
Actually, what will definitely make everything worse, the guy who shamed Alexa about her tits has a reggae jam for Tyra. GOODY!
Samir: But hold up, this man has a guitar!!! Could we be in store for another ANTM original acoustic song? Apparently not, it’s so awful even the editors couldn’t bear to listen to it while editing, and didn’t include it all in the show. Hmm, this wrestler boy who backflipped onto Tyra’s runway-let’s see more of him in his singlet. They didn’t talk about his modeling though, hmmm. Oh wait-Tyra’s asking another girl about her struggles. She’s beautiful and takes a good photo, so she’ll probably stick around for a while, just to provide for that baby sister she wants to protect. I hope your baby sister has the Line App so she can keep in touch with you. One tragedy per person is not enough, so she keeps digging into this poor girl who is a bottomless well of struggles.
Margaux: Cycle 22: Hashtag one tragedy per person, please. Ty-Ty’s tear pool of youth is running low.
Samir: Far too low-if you look closely you can actually see the encroaching signs of her humanity, and her hunger for youth as she sifts through the model-testants. A man actually said he feels more sexy in front of a camera than naked with a girl. Sounds like the male Joan Crawford of modeling is upon us. He’s short and an underwear model who wants to “rebrand” himself. Best of luck, because there is a whole plethora of hipster douchebaggery to compete with on the dude side this season already.
Margaux:It’s impressive what lifting a height restriction can do for the diversity of crazy on Top Model. And the way they force them to find out who stays and goes into the house, giant foam pit.
Samir: Impressive is putting it mildly. Are we at a children’s birthday party? I suppose we are in a way. How else to explain the degradation these people are forced to endure, discovering their fate by fishing for a beach ball in an inflatable pool filled with suds? If I were them, I’d pray my name was not on those beach balls so I could go get my job back.
Margaux: Judging by how emotional some of the cut models are at the news of their rejection, and the quality of tear jerker-last chance stories we just sat through, there is no job to get back.
So, it’s still sort of unclear if the Guys and Girls of cycle 22 will or did make it in Hollywood, but do you want talk to stars?
Samir: Well if you’re whole plan to escape adult responsibility/miserable circumstances is trying to get on ANTM, that’s gotta be a pretty crushing blow when it fails. I say this intro is worth a good 4 stars, I am all atwitter over what may lay in store. Secretly I love when this show defies sense and sensibility, and it doesn’t look like Tyra will be finding those any time soon.
Margaux: Tyra hasn’t looked for sense or sensibility since her Tyra talk show, and nor should she. Bring on cycle 22.
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