This week’s episode of America’s Next Top Model taught us that if you’re not on top, or suspended in the catwalk in the sky, you’re shipping on out.
Samir: Well, if the title doesn’t half ruin the show from the very beginning, I don’t know what does. Thanks Tyra. Now at least we can focus our radar on the men of tonight’s episode to see who gets human trafficked out of the Top Model house and into some far off land. And, no T no shade, but If Bello was homeless before coming here, how much did he really “give up” to be here?
Margaux: If anything, Bello is the one who’s gained the most of all the model-testants in the short three episodes thus far.
In more important news, Miss J (finally) has a line of shoes. It’s about time J started to capitalize on the Top Model train. This already the best thing to come out of this episode, besides Miss J’s non-existent piece of advice for translating his catwalk tips to the one they’re about to walk in the sky, “God help you”. Is it because only the power of God will help you pose mid-air, while miming walking on an invisible runway? Or is it because they’ll get their asses dropped by an unseen puppet master if they’re not ‘fierce’ enough slash whatever the criteria for this challenge…?
Samir: I love that everyone keeps cheering when they make it over, as if they just avoided certain death, despite being locked into a harness and moving very little. It’s not like y’all are playing Spiderman and flying around here. But I’m just being a bitch, because I’d probably shit my pants. And by NOT being dropped, Tyra is telling us this model will break on through to the other side…of hell. The losers sink back to Earth, something that will eventually happen to anyone who wins this show when they enter the legit modelling world.
Margaux: A bigger mystery than who the fuck Stan was on True Detective, there was a guy named Gage in the Top Model house the entire time? And a Miguel? WE KNEW YE WELL.
Samir: And a girl named India? Who cried her way into being eliminated instantly. Shock! Heroin chic Mikey, whose family has a checkered past, wants to make it over to help them-because Tyranny is totally going to help! We’ve been building up to the skywalker Devin, but the guy who went before him was so clearly NOT going to make it through, so the suspense is not killing me. Devin’s float-harness-running powers him over-Is Tyra sitting off-screen somewhere in another hideous jumpsuit, in front of a giant red button and rubbing her hands together in fiendish glee waiting to drop these kids like Mr Burns at his desk in the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.
Margaux: Turns out you were 100% right, as if Tyra wouldn’t be the one controlling the whole nightmare catwalk shebang (what if she misses out on prime tears?!), complete with matching eye-assaulting jumpsuit. And though I am saddened to see the too soon departure of Joan Bryant Crawford, the show must go on! With a coupled up photoshoot challenge no less. But not before one of Tyra’s patented pose tutorials, she does every cycle. Cycle 22 is all about not being a no-neck monster, I miss the good old bootching and tooching days of yore. Aka last cycle.
Samir: But wait-there is a “good no neck monster” that she then explains is not a no-neck monster after all. I do appreciate this modeling glossary of neck shapes: Horse, Giraffe, Iguana, Owls. Selfie time with the Opal M3 camera phone everybody!! AKA commercial time for the Opal M3 phone. If I say it enough times will I get a check from this Opal chick? Time to show my good neck monster. Oh and did we mention that the couples are bound together by chains and/or barbed wire? And TV cables? Tyra is not even pretending not to torture them at this point.
Margaux: The level of pointlessness in what is binding them is palatable.
Don’t think Hadassah “not using her brain for this sort of thing” (she’s referring to her photo shoot with her partner Dustin) will work out so good for her or Dustin. Stefano might be a misogynist prick, but he had a point about using the poses Tyra just explicitly gave them a lesson on. The least ironic thing about her photo shoot was the use of skinny belts to bind her to Dustin. Really, attack of the skinny belts?
Samir: Dustin is damn fine though, and his booch was breathtaking. We will bring that expression back yet Margs! “Bite the tree” is Tyra speak for “Giraffe” which is Tyra speak for utter bullshit. Not digging J-Smooth’s hipster douchebaggery, which means he will not go home today. Mikey knows what’s up here-he plays nice to get Courtney back on track for their photo-this is self-preservation here, as he then immediately starts talking shit about her once his need for her has ended. Hair in braids as the item that binds them. Tyra just watched Tangled again didn’t she?.
Margaux: Mikey’s ‘nice guy’ schtick imploded quickly, not only did Courtney overhear him at the house immediately following their photo shoot, talk shit about her, he then chased her around the house verbally berating her for being upset about it. Grrrrrrreat!
But thankfully to distract us, we’ve got our first judging panel of the season. And the first thing I notice is that Ty-Ty bounced out the social media score, which I’m actually really happy about. Though there were some gems in those user submitted comment videos, I’ll miss you parrot lady!
Samir: Maybe the social media was giving us too many clues before the show aired? Chain chain chain works for Ol’ Fake Blue Eyes and his partner as they get raves. Hadassah is the girl full of excuses, yet they deliberately chose a shot where Hadassah looked good at the expense of her male partner, who was better throughout the shoot. Also, Devin is killin something, but it aint this photo shoot Tyra-WRONG on this one. And Kelly would you PLEASE stop with these sad attempts at Cowell quips? Tyra’s Gowl (half-giraffe/half owl for the uninitiated) was much funnier.
Margaux: Mikey and Courtney look like the white trash version of Die Antwoord in their challenge photo, that isn’t to say that I didn’t like their final picture, but it’s about what you’d expect when the hair-do style that bind is cornrows, that’s some Britney and K-Fed era realness.
Samir: I was gonna say-white-trash Die Antword sounds pretty amazing in a way. BTW Tyra’s hair looks worse with every passing second. So far it looks like Dustin and Hadassah got the worst critiques. In case you missed it-Tyra’s infatuation with Devin blinds her to how incredibly awkward he looks on film.
Margaux: I’m just truly surprised Devin is best photo this week; sure, it turned out better than expected, but best? Not surprised Lacey ended up in the top three, I think she’s someone to watch out for. And at least your boy Dustin made it through to another week, the alternate shot of him Tyra showed at panel did reveal more potential than his chosen photo with Hadassah. Poor dude got screwed, Tyra even says as much.
Samir: How did Hadassah make it through?? Even when Tyra tried to see how much she’d learned as she hands back her photo (“Turn right, show me Giraffe!”) she still sucked it up! Instant-regret much Ty-Ty baby? So let me get this straight-Tyra kept the man who was terrible in his photo, because he made the mistake of representing men in modeling as accessories to women, something she wants to rectify by having men in the competition? And she’s going to accomplish this by keeping the guy who exemplifies the stereotype she wants to change?
Margaux: Well, we can tweet at ANTM team and let them know how disappointed we are that they let Delanie go and kept Hadassah’s ass around.
But next week are Ty-Over’s!!!! It’s like Christmas in August! Want to talk stars?
Samir: I need more crazy! Funny how we can watch models tumbling from the sky in a shipping container yard and still feel that way. I say 4 stars again.
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