What about this weeks episode of America’s Next Top Model warrants our first five-star review of the season? Is it Tyra’s jumpsuit? Nyle’s abs? Lacey’s haircut?
Samir: Could it be that for once the title of the episode refers to something significant in the episode this week?
Margaux: Considering how many of the dudes this cycle are fools without even trying, let alone “acting” as one, I’m sure “The Guy Who Acts a Fool” will not let us down, no matter which dude ends up the titular fool.
And cue Bello complaining about Mikey and Devin and how they take this competition lightheartedly, like it’s…dare I say, a joke. Are these the court jesters of the Top Model house?
Samir: You give them too much credit-the jester/fool characters are usually supremely intelligent and get away with their cogent observations by expressing them through buffoonery. These are just straight up buffoons. However, I find it funny that they coincide this with a buildup of Nyle having trouble communicating in the house and how it isolates and weighs on him. This competes with Ashley’s talk of who she’s supporting back home. Girl bye.
Margaux: Kiss of death besides this loser edit for Ashley is her getting paired up with Devin for the CW acting challenge. If there were any doubts left that Ashley is marked for this episode, the cringeworthy rehearsal with them totally seals it. Screw the main challenge, we already know what’s gonna happen.
Samir: And all in the first five minutes!
Margaux: Right?! The confusing board-room-meeting opening credits hadn’t even rolled yet!
Samir: And then they’re in a real board room rehearsing a script to perform in front of CW execs for a walk-on role in one of their series.
Margaux: How meta!
Samir: The script they’re working with amounts to a poor man’s #ShakesQueer. RuPaul did it first Tyra.
Margaux: Calling this script poor man’s #ShakesQueer is too kind. It ends with the stable boy breaking up with the princess for a horse. It’s about beastality with a stuffed horse head on a stick. Comedy ensues? Well, unintentional comedy that is.
Samir: I think so, and it succeeds as camp because it takes itself too seriously. Bello makes a big deal about learning his lines because he’s a good actor. Then he forgets his lines when it’s go time. An editor’s dream, cue the cricket sound effect. But lest you think he made the biggest fool of himself, let us not forget Devin. Poor Ashley, if girl wasn’t toast already, Devin just flipped the toaster on full blast right now in this awful awful scene.
Margaux: To be fair, everyone BOMBED. The crickets sound effect worked double overtime, it was heard more than any actual speaking lines. It really was painful to witness. I don’t blame the head of casting for getting frustrated with how poorly nearly single person did, it was just unprofessional. With the exception of Lacey and Nyle – who coincidentally are also the winner and runner up respectively, it wasn’t even a competition, unless you’re talking about a race to the bottom.
Samir: Ashley went from “I’m feeling really confident going into this challenge.” to “I’m really nervous” after 5 minutes with Devin. Nyle, on the other hand, proves he has real acting chops and plays off of some clearly developing chemistry with Lacey, who narrowly beats him out for the win, despite the limitation of her Southern accent. I wonder what show she will walk onto?
Margaux: Is Hart of Dixie still a thing? That show takes place in the South, Lacey will fit right in.
Samir: If it hasn’t been cancelled.
Another first! A useful and invigorating prize for Nyle with a “Sign and dine” party where his best deaf friend visits and they all have to speak in ASL only, to experience what Nyle feels. I almost shed a tear. Whatever storyline gets the show to edit in a shot of Nyle alone in a bathtub to visualize his isolation, I’m down with.
Margaux: It was genuinely touching to watch Nyle in his element for the first on this show and be able to communicate in his native tongue. And it was sweet to watch him with his elementary school friend slash ex high school girlfriend, because you just tell how what a positive impact it had on Nyle. I gotta slow clap it out for Top Model for doing something that truly benefits a contestant.
Also: MORE BATHTUB SHOTS OF NYLE PLEASE.
Samir: We should all be so lucky to experience Nyle’s native tongue. What I’m not down with is this ridiculous commercial for “Boom Boom Boom” deodorant. Why would anyone want to buy this product after seeing and hearing these commercials?
Margaux: “Smell my fierce, feel my boom. That’s not something you get to say every day”. Yeah, no S, Justin, you’re on America’s Next Top (FUCKING) Model. You were taught by woman in a jumpsuit how to pose like “horse”.
At least they’re selling something, no matter how pointless and made up sounding.
Samir: “You got that badass boom baby.” “Boom Boom boom”, I mean really. And if the boom boom boom is ANTM code for defined abs, then why is it the slogan and title for something you spread under your arms?
Margaux: Seriously, who the hell writes this crap? Cause they should fire them and hire us.
Samir: All these “cinematic moments” Yu Tsai raves about are overexposed and backlit so their faces are in shadow. They could use a new cinematographer too.
Devin gives us comedy again. “I lost my virginity in this business!”, is that supposed to convince us of your commitment? How much commitment does it take to want to bang other models?
Margaux: That’s what happens when you’re signed to six agencies, right? I think I question the legitimacy of Devin’s age being 21 more than his commitment to modeling.
Samir: I’m with you, wouldn’t be the first time a model lied about their age I guess.
Lacey and Mamé prove they are the queens of this competition right now, because they are both legitimately stunning in these shoots. And did I just see a slip up with the editors-Mamé’s interview about Justin shows her with flattened hair, vastly different than her Diana Ross-do that she’s rocking now.
Margaux: Should we call the top three now? Because we already know #1 and #2 will be Lacey and Mamé. Lacey somehow even makes Devin look marginally less terrible in their commercial just by paired up with her. That’s some star power. Lacey is serving Kate Moss 90s realness in this budget Calvin Klein commercial.
Samir: This haircut really is working amazingly for Lacey-it enhances her features so well, she could get work right now with this look and her performance.
Margaux: It’s the one armed, yellow and grey elephant in the room….Tyra’s jumpsuit. She has to have a jumpsuit line coming out or something because why else would she voluntarily shove herself into this monstrosity?
Samir: This one-armed jumpsuit look is getting progressively crazier with TyTy baby, she even wore one to NY Fashion Week this year! She must have a never-ending supply leftover from Krista’s cycle. This one’s got a highlighter yellow shoulder pad the size of a platypus bill peeking out from under the fabric, that matches her shoes. If you thought that was bad, Miss J has blue yarn braids today. Kelly looks like the girl from The Ring as an old woman. And then the finished product of these terrible commercials begin.
Margaux: That song is what you must hear right before you die.
Samir: And the show’s soundtrack had me checking constantly to see if someone’s phone was ringing. Why are they torturing our ears tonight? It’s moments like these that I really wish I could experience what Nyle does.
Margaux: It’s like we keep walking past an Abercrombie & Fitch, I can smell how horrible I picture the Boom, Boom, Boom deodorant to smell. I mean, does it go on your abs or your pits? Does it matter? Thankfully we don’t need answers to those questions while watching Nyle’s commercial. Too bad Nyle’s boom, boom, boom can’t save Ashley’s middling performance. The end of the loser edit is nigh.
Samir: TBH, I can’t fathom how they came away rating Devin higher overall. His performance was atrocious enough to get Tyra laughing at her own idea, and he stunk up his CW acting mini-challenge. Yet somehow he survives? Ashley was obviously going home tonight, but I can’t help feeling Devin really earned the boot for real this week.
Margaux: It feels like a member of DMA ending up in the bottom two and finally going home has been long overdue. But the cut away to Mikey’s shocked, horrified face when he realizes that there might be a point in time where his dickish ways come back to bite him in the ass because Ashley and/or Devin will go home ahead of him, was sorta priceless. Yes, they are both not strong models, and neither are you, Mikey. Shoulda hitched your wagon to some better horses, it’s okay though, Florida needs its criminals, Mikey will be back home soon enough.
Samir: Now it’s just DM, which sounds like BM, so I’m not having it. I mean I wasn’t having it before, so this didn’t change anything for me. We all know Devin’s time on the show is limited, we just don’t know the actual end point for him. Judging by his performance this week, that shouldn’t be too far off. I think he’s given us about all the different sides of crazy he has to offer. But let’s hope I’m wrong because he is entertainment guaranteed.
Margaux: Ashley and Devin’s scores were only tenths of points apart, so unless Devin shapes up (not likely), I think he’ll be next. Watching the points countdown to final elimination felt very pointless though, it’s like, stop torturing Ashley…even she knows she’s going home tonight.
Woof, what an episode, wanna talk stars?
Samir: Nyle hotness, check. Stupid and not-stupid drama, check. Ludicrously tragically ludicrous challenges, check. Hilarity by way of Tyra’s self-promotion of her own nonsensical products, check. And, horrible outfits on people who are supposed to judge modeling, check.
Margaux: If we were in Vegas, that’d be a slot machine jackpot. Carry on…
Samir: I’ve been teasing this one out long enough, but I think it’s time to shoot for the 5 stars.
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