In case you aren’t word wizards, pot ledom yadsendew is backwards for, America’s Next Top Model Wednesday. And when you’re done reading our review, listen to our podcast, We Were Rooting For You for everything we might’ve missed and more. Now, onto “The Girl Who (Smartly) Walks Away”.
Samir: Just when I was wondering when the sun would rise again on the TV week, Wednesday came upon us like Tyra looking at herself in the mirror. Clearly still too many people are running into the house like they’re ALL going to move in. Apparently top models don’t need to know how to count.
Margaux: I love it when the model-testants claim to love some reality show, and its hosts, that you know they have never heard of. This year, it’s twin brothers from Property Brother, Jonathan and Drew Scott.
PS: We need to talk about Nyle’s redheaded twin, ASAP.
Samir: I get not being identical twins, but what a jarring combination of recessive genes- one child was deaf and the other redheaded. Also, how cute was it that the twin house flippers or whatever they are, claim they can “see you all whipping up a meal” in this kitchen? I see them drunkenly falling all over themselves while ranting about who’s not model material and hooking up with the first person to pay them a compliment, but whatevs.
Margaux: Yeah, they’ve wasted no time on their slash fiction couples who will make out in the confession booth later. Mamé and heroin chic dude? No one wants to see that, mainly for her sake. Or see her with J-Smooth (Justin) because anyone who refers to themselves in the third person is not someone who will listen when you speak.
But I think the coolest thing (no shade) the Scott brothers added to the model house was the angle room, where the amateur models can practice posing and finding their light.
Samir: How unlike Tyra to provide something both useful and logical into this competition that actually benefits the contestants’ chances of ever being a real model. And they get to their first challenge right away, to thin out the ranks and clear the model house floors of the people left sleeping on it because the Scott brothers (who once were models themselves) did not think the house needed enough beds for everyone on the first night. This first challenge though-going up in pairs for a pose-off based on idiotic themes like “Boy Band” and “selfie pose”
Margaux: Nothing is idiotic if there’s a “bootchin’” pose involved. Wait. Actually I take it all back.
Damn, there are enough Tyra’s in the Tyra suite to haunt your dreams in this life and the next.
Samir: And a special treat- a video message from Tyra! Because she was too good to deliver it in person now. And OMG Tyra’s multiple personalities are now corporeal manifestations for our viewing pleasure-though unfortunately they all have the same awful new hairdo. Oh wait, she’s playing off the twins thing, for no real reason other than that twins were on her show for their affordable appearance fee and mild novelty factor.
Bello is trying to take the giant parasol from Nyle, and makes the most of his one-on-one interviews to throw shade over the other men, like our bodybuilder.
Margaux: Nobody gets to make fun of Joan Bryant Crawford, but us! Mainly because our nickname for him is amazing.
Samir: We’re stuck in a k-hole of hate right now as we move to Haddasah telling us all why the other girls suck. Bottom two much? Personality-wise that is. Entertainment-wise, I’m thinking I’ll strike gold with them.
Margaux: She called a house meeting to run down her sorority rules for everyone else to abide by while they’re unfortunately stuck with her. My favorite one of the rules is: “Don’t like…stare at me from afar.” How the whole room didn’t erupt with laughter in that moment, I don’t know. But for a person whose goal was “to have everyone to like her” it literally only took her 3 minutes to immediately change her tune.
Oh great, now they’re forcing this piece of shit phone on the fuckin’ deaf guy! Tyra’s capitalism knows no bounds. Line app speak-to-text, cycle 22.
Samir: Does he need to do anything other than take off his shirt, jump in the pool and make that come hither motion to speak to me? Answer=NO. Nyle, toss out the phone, your body is communicating plenty to me already.
Samir: Bombshell revelation of the day comes from some girl whose name she has not compelled me to learn yet: “Some people are just annoying.” We know, that’s why we watch, to see you all deal with that. This is today’s coliseum and you are competing in our preferred version of a gladiator death battle. Except the only things dying here are dreams of a responsibility-free existence.
Margaux: Pretty sure Mikey is a sexual predator, he’s spent nearly all of this episode trying to pick up chicks, haven’t heard too much about his hopes or aspirations in modeling. Regardless, Mikey is relentless to the point where I’m uncomfortable, I feel bad for all the women in the house. He’s the reason why there are “no means no” lectures across college campus’.
Samir: Alexa, the girl shamed because of her boob-job is now being criticized by the same douchebag for showing emotion and sensibly looking at these assholes and wanting to leave. If anything, I applaud her intelligence for getting out and being able to use her own cell-phone again. Say hello again to the outside world Alexa!
Margaux: It was a little strange how kind Kelly and Yu Tsai were to Alexa when she was getting ready to walk off. Guys, she’s recovering from an eating disorder, and is choosing her own health over this pointless reality show, let her go.
Samir: But now they’re taking the pictures for the show’s banner. And looks like Li’l Miss Fashion Overbite (a.k.a. Courtney) and Lacey will be this season’s edgy artsy look that should win but won’t in most cases, the “Heather Kuzmich” of this season? BTW, who is this girl who claims to be a “cool Christian?” I have severe reservations that she’s going to live up to this self-anointed title.
Margaux: That would be flower crown aficionado, Ava. She ended up losing to Mamé in the mini pose off challenge.
Yu Tsai finally realizes, through Nyle, that you don’t have to scream to get your point across. Watching Yu Tsai direct Nyle’s shoot was weirdly calming, probably because of the lack of yelling. Yu Tsai has been on point this episode (and thus far in the cycle, two episodes in) with his insight and sensitivity, but his comments on Devin were pretty spot on, mainly that Devin isn’t always in the same time zone and that you’ll either really like him or can’t stand him.
Samir: But seriously, not having to hear the coaches and judges speak is exactly the advantage we said Nyle would have. Is it any wonder that the only person who can’t listen to them is the one who has no trouble with the challenge?
And what is with Devin’s really strange crying jag? I can’t help but agree with Bello that this is slightly put-on. And the fact that Devin made me agree with the the blue-eyed bitch for even a moment makes me dislike him too. Though their screaming death-match feels very much like a small-town Nebraska community theatre rehearsal.
Margaux: Why does it not surprise me that Mikey’s ‘boy’ in the house is Devin?
Miss J is onto our heroin chic nickname for Mikey, “looks like I might’ve seen him on the six o’clock news” – PREACH!
Samir: And right away Kelly Cutrone proves why she should not be a judge of a modeling competition: she professes love for Mikey, then wonders how a model who looks great in pictures (Courtney the Overbite) will get through the door of an agency. I don’t know, maybe her ability to take an amazing photo that could actually sell a product, and the resultant portfolio, will help?
Margaux: Of course Tyra sees her eighteen year old self in Lacey. LET IT GO, TY-TY, IT AIN’T THE 90s NO MO’.
But there’s already talk about Courtney’s unique grill and how to maybe fix it, and chop-a-lopping off Mikey the heroin-molester locks. Ty-Over’s will be rife with drama!
Samir: Why are they in a container yard? Because the losers are being shipped out? I hope they at least get their own container, preferably one of those 40’ ones, to loll around in on their voyage back to reality.
Margaux: It isn’t Top Model until there’s a super dangerous stunt in the name of ‘modeling’, cue the irrational fear of heights!
Also, I think they’re in a shipping container yard because something something ship up or ship out.
Stars?
Samir: Hmm, I’m saving my 5 stars for when these bitches get sent flying around in harnesses in next week’s “let’s fuck people in the head with a dangerous nonsensical stunt” challenge. And the fact that we STILL don’t know who the finalists are after two episode keeps this one at 4 stars for me. There’s still enough crazy to keep me entertained without a single dull moment, but the best is yet to come.
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