Out of Vegas and into the woods, our fair modeltestants go! What bullshittery will America’s Next Top Model expect us to buy into this week? Check out our thoughts on “The Girl Who Took a Shot in the Dark”.
Samir: You know, when the show cuts in on the model house from the back with the pool at night, it seems like the opening of a horror film. Something ominous is afoot I feel.
Margaux: As long as Mikey is around, that feeling of dread will continue to hang in the air like rotting trash on a hot day. Speaking of Mikey, his ‘confession’ that he’s the only man in his family not to be in jail as an accomplishment is not as shocking or profound as he thinks it is.
Samir: A lot of what we hear in this episode inspires horror and sadness. Like Tyra’s insistence on making up words. Now the models are supposed to aspire to be “Fierce-A-Preneurs.” And was this scene even in last week’s episode? They refer to this as if it were. So, they are tasked with instantly proving their mettle in this regard-by producing a Shark-Tank style presentation of their own brand/product using the PooP phones “panoramic, selfie and double exposure” features, and a kindergarten crafts table of supplies..
Margaux: Mamé and Mikey “casually” talking about brainstorming ideas to become entrepreneurs like Tyra had told them during judging last week felt like the hand of a producer coming in and telling them exactly what to say, it sounded about as natural as the various modeltestants telling us how “beautiful” the SLS hotel is. And like Tyra’s sense of style, this Shark Tank rip off is about 4 years late to the relevancy party.
And just when we thought there couldn’t possibly be more shameless product placement, the Oppo phone gets mentioned about 12 times before the first commercial break.
Samir: This episode is by far the most egregious example of scripted reality entertainment. So much of what we see and hear has been so preciously plotted it can’t even hope to convince us any commentary from the panel reflects the influence of the writing staff of TMZ rejects. Like Mikey’s ideas, presentation materials, photos, and his statements. What he said was so obviously crafted for him, and it’s impossible not to laugh as he randomly spray paints tank tops, and talks about everyone else not taking this as seriously as they should. Seriously, his shirts look like they were used as cum rags.
Margaux: WHO WANTS TO LIVE MIKEY’S LIFESTYLE?!?! Of course that’s the cornerstone of his business proposal. You’ve gotta work with what you know, and apparently what Mikey knows is the “older women field” and I can’t say that he’s wrong. Tyra and Kelly all but blow him right then and there – Tyra praising his panorama photo of the pool area, already dressed by production, as “a really good photo” explains how Hadassah ended up with her face out of focus. And why she lets Eric Alsa continue to take pictures for the show.
Samir: OMG it looked like he literally didn’t clean up after the orgy in that Fiona Apple music video for “Criminal.” The tanks and socks were literally just laying on every surface in the pool and around it! And then glued to his posterboard with horrible drawings. However when he mentioned his success with old ladies, I instantly pictured a sad and disturbing life of him cruising cougar bars for tricks when he needs a warm meal. At least everyone else had professional looking presentations despite the childish crap they were given to work with. And they knock Nyle for not knowing how much startup money he would need for his actually good idea??
Margaux: Out of the remaining modeltestants, Nyle’s idea was the most feasible – an app is easy to make and with his undoubtedly high number of followers on social media, a PR push wouldn’t be that hard to fathom. Kelly’s bullshit response of of “$100,000 won’t get you a publicist for six months”, well that’s true because he’d be spending his money all wrong. Look, Mikey, if a Kardashian couldn’t launch a successful sock line then I would wager a guess that you can’t either. Your wide range of “artist” friends back home probably have less business sense than you do. Nyle’s Sign That app actually had a point and would prove to be helpful to those want to learn ASL or communicate with someone who is deaf. It’d be Duolingo for ASL, it sells itself – especially for $1.99. At least the Dry Bar CEO recognized that Nyle wouldn’t have to work very hard for people to want to watch him sign.
Samir: I don’t buy any of what’s happening with this challenge-this is all engineered to give us a Mikey moving on up/Nyle slipping storyline, but I don’t believe Nyle is going anywhere soon. And I especially don’t believe Mikey is going to win the whole thing. He’s praised for being “authentic” (does that mean he’s sloppy and so was his brand?) and Tyra thinks his line of tanks and socks has more “legs” than an app with an actual purpose. I guess the top-tier professors were on sabbatical when you attended Harvard Business School.
Margaux: And when we see their scores, Lacey is scored higher over Nyle (her 9 to his 8). Now, don’t get me wrong, I think Lacey is great and doing well in the competition, but her book “Small Town Girl Living in the Real World” sounds about as riveting as Justin Bieber biography. All this is to say, I’m superrrrr not interested in what an 18 year old has to say.
The scariest thing about the modeltestants getting bused to some supposedly haunted woods for an in the dark photo shoot, is that Yu Tsai was a biology major – what happened, man? How’d you end up here?
Samir: He wasn’t a chemist, so he had no other career options I guess. But this stupid camping theme is hilarious. I love that Lacey asks if anyone has a guitar when sees the campfire, I’d hope for the same. But shooting in the dark seems tailor-made to create difficulty for Nyle, where they will now depend on hearing their instructions since they can’t see. Oh and they’re standing on a block in the woods. The editing is trying to drag Lacey down too, but her confessional interviews are so phony, I don’t buy this either. And is it just me or is Devin actually doing OK in this shoot?
Margaux: I’m glad you said that about Devin so I didn’t have to. For Devin, it’s a little too late, but his final photo is the best photo he’s had all season. And it’s really funny that Yu Tsai dings Lacey for being too statuesque when you see the final photo they chose for Mamé.
I wish they’d stop putting these Swiss Miss braids on Mikey, it’s like the hills are alive with meth or something – and since when did male braid pigtail become high fashion?
Samir: His shoot looked awful, but later the judges go crazy over his film like it was hard to choose out of so many great photos?? Any chance Nyle had of succeeding evaporated when Yu Tsai thought a good idea of communicating with him was to flash blinking lights in his face between camera flashes. This of course does not work, as anyone would know. They have no idea how to tell him when to be ready, and his performance suffers, what a surprise.
Margaux: You nailed it earlier when you said this photo shoot challenge seemed engineered for Nyle to fail. I know Yu Tsai tried to figure out a way to communicate with Nyle, but should of done a test run of his idea of knocking against the apple box the models have to stand on. You’ve got to give Nyle time to figure out the rhythm.
And Devin tried to curse Mamé’s performance, but her photo hot streak doesn’t seem to be slowing – see you in the bottom two, Devin!
Samir: I am loving this euphemistic definition of “camping” everyone has here. They’re sleeping in a cabin, not in a tent. Only low budget, so no furniture. Lacey gets the best deal of everyone by cuddling with Nyle-he’s got to be the heartiest and warmest of them all. Mamé gets stuck with Mikey and his chicken legs, because Devin is obviously the skinniest and coldest fish in the room. Even he knows this because Devin comes prepared to be left in the corner, having packed a bottle of wine. Smartest decision all night.
Margaux: Yeah, I don’t know how many of them have ever actually gone camping, but sleeping on the floor with no heat is just called squatting. Which is what they were doing cause production don’t give a fuck.
Oh, and we know that panel don’t give a fuck either, they aren’t even trying to feedback at this point.
Samir: Too bad we can’t accuse the judging panel’s commentary of having points, like the shoulderpads of Tyra’s jumpsuits. Kelly is in stupid bitch overdrive tonight-you’re not a fucking lawyer in a courtroom, no need to cut off the translation of his language into yours, especially since he never really complains about anything to the panel, like it was going to ruin your case in the jury’s eyes. It’s too late for that, the jury already doesn’t like you Kelly. And her attempt to burn Devin on what was actually a better photograph than the other guys is just as deplorable as ever. Please STOP THE MADNESS.
Margaux: Kelly shitty comeback, “I think your perfume should’ve been called Delusional”, felt so unnecessarily mean – it made me feel really bad for Devin. No one deserves to be talked to like that, except Kelly. Don’t know what other thing crawled up her ass and died this week, but I’m more and more convinced that she’s Tyra’s DUFF, but for the judging panel. She might’ve of always believed that Mikey had staying power, but that just tells us loads about her non-existent taste level. No wonder People’s Republic (of a lesser China) is no longer around.
Samir: It was more of a People’s Banana Republic anyways, and does she even still have a career in fashion PR? They are trying so hard to push on us the fact that Mikey is the new King. This is distressing that they can still pursue this storyline, even after all the footage that editors have seen by this point: of Mikey literally looking at the competition and it’s ridiculous machinations as fodder for his plot to prey sexually on every woman at their weakest. Outrage, scandal, insanity, I feel like this episode made me feel more alive than last week’s but I have to take off points for the continued presence of Mikey.
Margaux: Yes, this constant, newfound praise of Mikey is a real blood boiler – what the hell are the judges seeing in him that we are not? Besides some twisted producers idea of ‘good scripted reality’. But at least they’re out of Vegas and their incessant plugs for the SLS hotel. GASP! It worked on me, I can’t stop saying SLS hotel – shit, I did it again.
Let’s talk stars before I start repping the PooP phone.
Samir: I think SLS owes us a free room for all the times we said SLS Hotel. But I think that wild animal hillbilly danger is intoxication personified to fashion people who have long been surgically separated from their emotions, maybe that’s it? Either way I give this 4 stars, a whole star off what would’ve been campy perfection without the unsettlingly-real Deliverance vibes again.
Want more to hear of who we think is truly on top? Check out our America’s Next Top Model podcast, We Were Rooting For You! on iTunes and the Gambit Digital YouTube page.
About Author
