New day, same America’s Next Top Model for Samir and I to review. And when you’re done reading, don’t forget to listen to our podcast, We Were Rooting For You! on “The Guy Who Wears Heels”.
Margaux: Mirjana’s haircut makes her look even more like a Soccer Mom when she sports those frumpy sweaters. Gurl, no.
Samir: I said the same thing when we watched on Friday: this makeover has aged Mirjana, but it didn’t feel that way at first. Another fail on he Ty-Overs for real, but a delayed reaction on our part.
Margaux: You speak the truth! It’s almost sweet that Kari still takes these “challenges” seriously. This week they have to audition for the CW, for a walk on role for a TBD show, sometime in the ANTM future which we happen to know translates to: never.
Samir: Well she is earnest, and she hasn’t bitched once about the mutation transformation Tyra gave her. She’s such a li’l trooper/pushover.
Margaux: Calling what Tyra did to Kari as a “transformation” is the nicest way we’ve put her makeover yet.
Samir: Mutation transformation.
Margaux: Oh my Marijana has some famous last words – again – you don’t know what separating business and pleasure means. She pairs herself off with Keith for the line reading.
But why doesn’t anyone get that her obnoxious immature behavior is a direct result of her being eighteen?
Samir: We didn’t even get it until we noticed her lower third that showed her age and then we were like “OOooooooohhhhh. Got it.” Why else would she constantly contradict her own professed mottos every episode. Tyra has never given up on these acting challenges- playing a Barbie really gave her the performance bug. So now it’s soap opera scenes with ridiculous words thrown into ludicrous situations and dialogue.
Margaux: Most of the modeltestants couldn’t even pronounce the space names they were given in the script, it sounds like everyone is chewing the side of their face.
Samir: I love that he judges say Lennox “really has the CW look.” Well yeah since all your shows are about vampires, supernatural beings and ancient royalty (save for the odd superhero) of course she has your look! And Adam was surprisingly good?!
Margaux: Adam really went for it, I think being in a frat really helps Adam not worry about making an ass of himself on the regs.
Samir: A key to being a great actor. No joke. Though Denzel’s impersonation of his namesake is as much an honorable tribute to the master actor as this blog is to Tyra’s decision-making skills.
Margaux: Denzel does up winning the challenge and it’s sort of evident as to why, besides his spot on Training Day impression, he can be charming. When he’s not being a raging, ignorant homophobe. But we’ll get to that. Circling back to Adam, to his credit, ends up being in the top three of the challenge scores, along with Lenox.
Samir: Poor Matthew, who admits he is a professional actor, did not win the challenge. But TBH are we really going to put a great deal of stock in the taste level and quality of the CW producers and casting people who would guest on ANTM? But work is work, so I guess he should be disappointed.
Margaux: When everyone arrives back at the house though, it takes all of five minutes for Marijana to start getting into it with Denzel about kissing Shei…for work. Like she did. Dear God, this is messy.Marijana let’s her true country roots out by telling Denzel he was acting “extra” with Shei. It’s the way he kissed Shei, don’t ya know.
Samir: Maybe Shei is a threat to her in the love arena? Wisely Shei, who had the fortuitous misfortune to walk in on this serious discussion, just keeps mixing a drink on the sidelines and leaves the room, because none of these people have the good sense or consideration for others to take their arguments to a private place.
Margaux: Shei’s Grumpy Cat expression, trying to avoid Marijana and Denzel’s fight, says it better than we can.
Samir: Bomb drop! Denzel reveals his discomfort at the thought of losing to a gay dude in heels “not even regular heels, but patent leather heels!” Clearly we have another moment on one of Tyra’s shows to discuss gender identity, an intentional gift to her audience who is cognisant of such things.
Margaux: It’s legit upsetting to hear Denzel attempt to assert his manly-ness, aka his own insecurities, by saying he wants a “real man” to break the stigma of men in modeling. And when he gets on his gender norms bullshit high horse, it becomes really hard to articulate how fucking offensive this asshole is. What stigma, really?
Samir: Does Tyson Beckford suffer from this?
All the girls in the house rally around Will as Denzel tries to rationalize his homophobia with more homophobia. Kari explains our own discomfort with this quite well: because Denzel is educated and seemingly cool, his sense of shame losing to a feminine man is surprising, and sadly speaks to the constancy of the misogyny that fuels homophobia. He can’t stand losing to a man who he perceives as acting like a woman. Doesn’t say good things about his views on women (listen up Mirjana)! But he honestly doesn’t get why it’s offensive!
Margaux: Yet, when Denzel tries to “man up” and talk to Will “man to man” about what he said – because of course Will must have misunderstood – Denzel continues to dig a deeper hole in the process. Instead of simply listening to Will, Denzel goes on the defensive and just keeps sticking his foot in his mouth with his excuses. Here’s how it should’ve gone: DENZEL “Hey Will, I’m very sorry for not choosing my words more carefully, I would really love to not do that again, can we talk about how I can do that?” WILL “Yes, thank you Denzel.”. END FUCKING SCENE. Don’t make excuses, you have fucked up Denzel. Will is not your eighteen year old side piece, he’s not hysterical. Denzel, youz a bitch.
Samir: Denzel loves the taste of his loafers. Keith also distances himself from these sentiments, very effectively. With that manaconda, he will be popular no matter what club or bar he walks into.
Margaux: It was interesting to hear a little about Keith’s upbringing beyond football, his mother is a lesbian and I’m actually curious if he grew up with two Mothers. I’m sure he and Will could be good support systems for each other. It must be hard to be the only gay guy in the house, this incident really highlighted that for us.
Samir: And another surprise is Adam’s drunken revelation of his moment of gay bashing, and the effect it has had on his attempt at a career? And his remorse for it?! And his open apology and support for Will is quite surprising, and refreshing. Maybe he did learn from that mistake, which is enough for Will in this low moment. We have not heard the end of this yet.
Margaux: I did love that Adam ended up being an example of how you learn from your past mistakes and be better, real human being for it. Fuck being a “man” – be a GOOD PERSON. Sigh, at least the vampire photographer, Franco, is back for their frozen photo shoot. His suit literally hypnotized me.
Samir: My eyes are bleeding from looking at this weblike Moroccan-tile print for more than 5 seconds. Is that too long with this print to prevent the onset of conjunctivitis? He always has to be involved with these extreme macabre ideas, as if he has to coordinate all his photo shoots with his creepy contact lenses. At least the spider shoot was selling perfume. WTF is this supposed to be selling with plastic-ice variations of the Phantom of the Opera’s mask on some of these girls? I suppose no potential advertisers had anything they could use this shoot for.
Margaux: I thought ANTM abandoned the notion of “selling product” long ago. From the looks of this ice shoot, it could be anything from tight man-pants to headphones to jewerly? Your guess is as good as mine. The best soundbite to come of this photoshoot is from Adam and his “respect” for Franco and his artistic method – sings “la,la,la,la” flatly along with Franco. These shoot are what I live for every week, they are total shitshow.
Samir: Those vocal exercises worked for the kids in Sister Act 2, why not Adam? But really, putting the models in danger of hypothermia because some sadistic photographer did this to you 30 years ago is no reason to put people on blocks of ice now Tyra, like some fashionable medieval torture.
Margaux: Marijana be starting shit with everyone, including Raelia…on the bus. It was no “bitch, I worked at a bank” but this can’t end well. I wouldn’t fuck with Raelia, no matter what her pictures look like.
Samir: I like Raelia, and she’s got legs for days, she will stomp you Mirjana! I particularly love the PA just passing out burritos in the middle of this fight on the ANTM bus. I wonder if they have a Twitter account, these people must have great stories from behind the scenes?
Margaux: I know Miss J is doing hair throughout the ages for every judging panel this cycle but this Dorothy Dandridge hair is only proof that he’ll be haunted by her ghost for the foreseeable future.
Samir: Romeo’s lasting curse was a conjuring?
Margaux: Panel isn’t off to a great start, Denzel’s patronizing tone to Will when he greets him at judging in front of Tyra and Co is really telling of him.
Samir: Tyra actually sounds like someone who went to college as she breaks down Denzel’s attitude and why it’s homophobic, AND drawing a distinction between the hatred that drives racism and homophobia, and explaining how changing gay to skin color, Denzel would have sounded like a common white man 50 years ago. She called him out but good! This was the biggest shock of the evening by far.
Margaux: Tyra straight up DESTROYS Denzel, she took his ass to school. Even though Tyra drops the N-bomb for a reason, and I agree with her for it, I hate that we have to put in that context for people to even entertain the idea of “understanding”. Regardless, I give Tyra’s speech a 10!
Samir: Agreed. Even if she still doesn’t get why that beard weave looks so awful.
Margaux: I’m not sure if it’s the drama between Will and Denzel but Miss J be feeling all sorts of kind with these scores tonight.
Margaux & Samir: Denzel’s beard is giving him a rash! Hahahahaha – why does he even bother with it anymore?!
Samir: But remember when Tyra chastised 30-Never for not ALWAYS wearing her hair in pigtails? Now that Denzel has specific direction that will be a blessing to follow for once, he can worm his way back into her good books.But this show just got super fabulous- Tyra doing a Bette Davis impression! She is kissing up to her gay fans hardcore tonight. She must have a benefit to go to. I couldn’t be more shocked if Paris Hilton tested negative for herpes.
Margaux: Ha!
Lenox confirms she’s not going anywhere anytime soon, her picture was one of the best of the bunch, earning two 10s.
Samir: Just wait until they get to the go-sees. These girls with the edgy look are always socially awkward. Unless she gets less meek, she is toast. Though she was really good in the acting challenge, so maybe there’s hope for her yet. Adam’s face took really well to the frozen makeup, and he looked pretty good, but Tyra gives him a 7 because he had something called “trap-ear”??
Margaux: At least it’s not cauliflower ear?
Lenox gets best photo – again. Followed by Adam, despite his “trap ear” – hope he gets that checked out by doctor next week.
Samir: Dr. Tyra, she did go to Harvard. He can trust her judgment. She’s got x-ray vision, she always “see[s] the model” inside these people, even when they’re lost without a map (or app as Tyra suggests) in Modelland. I guess Lenox should just move into the Tyra suite until Go-See week.
Margaux: And finally Will rounds out the top 3 and has the funniest shot, TOWERING over Adam in his heels that make Will 7 effing feet tall.
Samir: Plus his hair, which adds a foot on its own. He will also stomp you Denzel, and you can go home and tell everyone a fierce gay dancer from Texas showed you not to mess with the “feminine” guys. No pun intended, but the bottom two are…
Margaux: White Gollum vs Legs – only one will make the cut and Tyra already has one “lost” model in her hopeful group. Bye, Kari. No seriously, Kari gets voted off but I have a feeling that she (next to Chantelle) have the best chance at coming back to the competition.
Samir: The bye-bye montage of Kari is so depressing, because we see how stunning and beautiful she was in her photos BEFORE she was attacked by Tyra’s freaks who had to maker her “one of us.”
Margaux: Keith looks pretty nonplussed at losing his boothang. Fine by me though, the less romance on ANTM – the better.
Samir: Unless Matthew continues to eschew labels with Will… 5 stars today!
Margaux: Lets hope White Gollum was enough for the Smize Gods to bring Matthew and Will together, 5 stars indeed!
Can’t get enough of Margaux, Samir and America’s Next Top Model? Check out our podcast, We Were Rooting For You!
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