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Like Pavlov’s dog, Samir and I start hearing “wanna be on top? Nah, nah, nah…” as soon as Monday night rolls around with America’s Next Top Model.
Samir: Ben won best photo last week and with his choice of guest for the Tyra Suite he chooses… Adam FratBro from Hell?? Because “he’s one of my best friend’s in the competition.” Well Ben, you just lost my vote for the rest of the season and instantly became a lot less hot.
Margaux: Why am I not surprised that Ben and Adam are bro-imes in the house? They also pretty much have the same exact haircut so jerking each other off under the covers won’t get weird.
Samir: Enjoy sweet dreams of Adam’s spread eagle, and however he reacts to waking up with morning wood.
Margaux: Keith, we know you’re trying to be nice but Kari is no longer “sexy” with this TyOver massacre. Everything on her is white, including her eyebrows…seesh, poor dear.
Samir: I can’t even bear to look at her anymore since Tyra destroyed her with that wretched, God-awful makeover. She looks like the haunted spirit of one that couldn’t survive the toxic atmosphere of Donatella Versace’s womb. Or White Gollum. Seriously, why does Tyra torment one girl with bleach blond eyebrows every cycle? Is she trying to get work in makeup for the next season of American Horror Story?
Margaux: Tyra must blame the models for not being able to pull off the look (and TyTy loves the “alien” look – just look at her Instagram) and we’ll most likely see all bleached everything on models until the show explodes – because Top Model will never be cancelled.
Samir: These three steps kill me. “Werk the Smirk??” – Sex sells? I have never heard this before.
Margaux: Ah yes, every cycle, Tyra must “teach” the models her most important tips and tricks that are entirely composed of more made up words. But whenever selling sex is involved, you find out way too much about these model-testant-strangers. Example, Lennox is a virgin? The only difference between Lenox and other virgin Raelia, Raelia can werk that sex appeal.
Samir: That doesn’t totally surprise me though. I hope she doesn’t turn out like Shandi in cycle 2.
Margaux: On the day of the shoot, everyone is woken up by the dreaded Yu Tsai as the house alarm clock? Holy shit, talk about nightmare fuel. He reveals they’ll be shooting a commercial for perfume called Spider Bite. How effing original. Count down till someone reveals their fear of spiders.
Samir: Didn’t they do jewelry with spiders in Cycle 3? The show’s been on so long even Tyra has forgotten what she did already
Margaux: They did! The cycle that Eva Pigford won. Oh goodness, drama at the contestants getting paired off in a undesirable fashion, at least according to Denzel. Dear Denzel: NO ONE KNOWS OR CARES ABOUT FAUX-REALITY ROMANCE – YOU CANNOT BE OFFENDED YOU WEREN’T PAIRED WITH MIRJANA.
Samir: I am only offended if we don’t see Denzel without clothes. I hope that beard never gets fixed.
Margaux: Yeah, whatever happened to that promise of fixing that beard weave Tyra?!
Why would they pair Romeo and Lenox? Also, welcome back Vampire Photographer from the first episode! It’s terrifying to see you back.
Samir: And now they’re made up like vampires/spiders, and using the same contacts he wears every day apparently. I guess Lenox/Romeo got paired because they both have those quirky dark looks: artsy, edgy, insert spooky adjective here-y.
Margaux: But they will have zero chemistry. Pairing the most uncomfortable looking people together isn’t dark or artsy – it’s setting them up to go home.
Samir: Maybe Yu Tsai wants to make sure Lennox has a future in modeling that going further on this show can only irreparably damage?
Margaux: HOLD UP – THEY CAN TEXT EACH OTHER?! Laughing forever at this Mirjana gem, “You have a WHOLE conversation with stickers!”.
Oh please Denzel, save your “I couldn’t ever kiss another man, even in the name of modeling”, Matthew is a bigger man than all these other fools! It’s hilarious Denzel is super upset at Keith and Mirjana, who are only doing what he will be doing to Kari shortly. You know, working.
Samir: I am dying over Matthew and Will’s photo shoot. Funny that Denzel tries to act like he’s superior because he “can’t make his body” wok with a man, yet he clearly couldn’t make it work with a lady in his photo. YOU LOSE ON BOTH COUNTS DENZEL. I can only hope Matthew is the “bigger man” in the way Denzel may be thinking.
Margaux: Ha! “If we don’t have it by now, we’re not going to get it at all”. Adam, YOU’RE FUCKIN’ OUT.
Samir: At least he’s self aware, something I didn’t think he was capable of, considering his whole personality and all.
Margaux: Shei doesn’t know what a “head roll” is and looks…not as sexy as she thinks she does. Yu Tsai screaming and hitting his head in the background doesn’t set the mood either.
Samir: Unless he gives himself a concussion and doesn’t return for the remainder of the season, what’s more romantic than a lifetime without him?
Margaux: Romeo is in the middle of the saddest wiccken birthday of all time. After getting totally belligerent, Romeo’s aggro head butting and sloppy attitude towards Adam almost makes me feel something for Adam, luckily it cuts to a commercial break first.
But more importantly, can we have a dedicated post about how adorable Will is with his glasses on?
Samir: Yes, yes we can-titled Gay Catholic Dancer Harry Potter from Texas Goes Top Model
Margaux: In the end, Romeo’s spells worked against him! He gets eliminated from the competition for his actions towards Adam. Kind of worth it. But it’s not really a shock.
Samir: Romeo was always the problem- we all knew neck tattoos were not fashionable, just like his attitude. Love that he was eliminated in front of everyone. Birthday magic backfires! What a perfect segue into a dangerous runway challenge!
Margaux: The stilts from cycle 18 have re-emerged, glad they included the slo mo fall montage of a models from cycle 9, in case you worried they weren’t going to completely fail.
Samir: Their “fashions” look like recycled toilet paper and hemp fabric mated.
Margaux: DAMN RAELIA, first one to bit the dust. Really glad Will kills the runway show though. And see, Matthew and Lennox looks terrific together, Romeo was the problem – wonder how she’ll get judged.
Samir: Glad we had some wipeouts to keep things lively. Keith looks like he just tried anal sex for the first time before his stilt walk.
Margaux: Most coordinated power runway couple: Mirjana and Adam – that was a wobbly ass walk guys.
Samir: Nothing about them has ever seemed stable to begin with.
Margaux: Alright Ben, color me impressed with your stilt skills, work on your friend-dar and then maybe I’ll start rooting for you.
Samir: Yay for not tripping and looking lost! That was pretty much the only impressive thing he did, so that’s good enough for the win in Yu Tsai’s feeble brain.
Margaux: A win is a win for Ben, think his “humble and hopeful” attitude will get him through this elimination. Speaking of, at panel Mijana immediately confesses she’s “dating Denzel” – eye roll. Her commercial with Keith was a’ight.
Samir: How can you be dating if you never go out? The only dates they’ve been on have been at the craft services tables at challenges and photo shoots, all on Tyra’s dime, not his. She’s really dating Tyra. And what happened to that boyfriend back home Mirjana said she hated, than loved so much the second she found out he promoted her on Twitter?
Margaux: All good and valid points, I’m sure if Mirjana and Denzel met in real life, the “fairytale” would of ended a lot sooner. And as for Mirjana’s BF, I truly he finds out and they have it all out like the Italian Hot Tub!
Samir: Italian Hot Tub Time Machine!
Margaux: Pardon me but…KARI LOOKS BUSTED TO HELL IN THIS COMMERCIAL – I cannot look at her. Raelia might of fallen but gets Kelley’s first 10 of the cycle, yay!
Samir: And like everything Kelley says and does, it is meaningless.
Margaux: Tyra gives her first 5 to Ben because he “bootched so hard, your booty touched your mid-back”. The demonstration that follows needs to be gif’ed ASAP.
Samir: Where’s our slave/GIF creator? Slave? Oh I forgot that only works for Tyra.
Margaux: Because I’m biased, Matthew and Will’s commercial is my favorite. Also scores the highest.
Samir: As well it should! Homoeroticism FTW!
Margaux: Poor Lennox, it’s almost as bad as Kari’s. But at least Kari tried, I think.
Samir: Kelly needs to stop trying these verbose, confused metaphors for each photograph. She’s a pitiful variation on Michael Kors in his heinous heyday on Project Runway, who I also hated.
Margaux: MIC DROP TYRA GIVES LENNOX A “1”. BECAUSE SHE CAN’T GIVE HER A ZERO. COLD BLOODED TY TY!
Samir: Well, Ty Ty is a bitch, we all knew that. But a “1” is pretty hard to fathom. That was way harsh Ty. Way to kill the suspense Tyra, you freaking moron. Gee I wonder who’s overall score will be lowest?
Margaux: HUZZAH AND CONGRATS WILL! GETS THE HIGHEST SCORE/BEST PHOTO! MUCH DESERVED!
Samir: Hell yes! Let’s hope those two get paired up from different angles; again and again, and again and again and again.
Margaux: Down to Adam and Lenox, and because the Gods love irony – Lenox goes home and Adam stays. If she had gotten a 2 or higher from Tyra or like, ya know, tried…she could of stayed.
Samir: Or Romeo could of just gotten himself thrown off so Lenox could ultimately be spared. ROMEO’S BIRTHDAY MAGIC WORKED…FOR THE WRONG PERSON.
Margaux: “You don’t deserve a photo” LOL Mama Tyra is dealing out the asterisks! Only 5 frames for Lenox’s next photo shoot.
Samir: Yeah, because that make sense, after all the bullshit she’s put up with over the years from other pseudo-models. Like Christian girls who refuse to do photo shoots, when they knew they were coming before they signed up for the show!
Margaux: Tyra is mad as hell and she ain’t taking your wannabe model bullshit no mo’.
Samir: Hopefully Lenox can get eliminated, get the hell out of there and start a real career with someone the modeling world hasn’t written off as a whack-job crackpot. Newsflash Tyra, no one takes your opinion seriously. It makes us laugh and I thank you for it.
Margaux: It was one hell of an episode, even by ANTM standards. 4.5 stars!
Samir: I’d even go as far as 5, so much hysterical drama, but I’ll pull back to 4.5. Though how will the rest of the season top the Wiccan neck-tattooed model going home for headbutting the douchebag FratBro?
Margaux: Let’s hope with more Matthew on Will scenes/challenges/photoshoots.
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Tyra has a reason why she gives out harsh scores and she may have a vision for models that’s why she changes them like shei and look how far she gotten because of it. Giving out harsh scores, helps motivate the models especially at the difficult stages of the competition. Think before you write and look at the series properly before judging ?