Doug Evans, like many Silicon Valley types, is stupid.
Man, I’m never sure what I enjoy laughing at more; stupid liberal arts types that see validation for communism “anti-capitalism” in every little thing, or idiots that believe in dumbass new age retro hippie bullshit like (J.O.) crystal healing. Occasionally, they merge, eliminating the need for choice. Juicero founder Doug Evans, however, has made a case for the latter with his endorsement of raw water.
Doug disappeared into a sandstorm at Burning Man a few weeks back (a poetic way of saying he had too much peyote), before emerging on Instagram recently to introduce his “five-day water fast”. And showed off several jugs of “raw” water he was going to do it with. Jugs of water which are sensibly priced at $15 a jug.
https://twitter.com/WilliamTurton/status/910353206210961408
Look at that label; when you see something like that on an item, you’re either buying a wicked awesome geode/prism, some sort of psychedelic paraphernalia, or you’re buying weapons-grade horseshit. Doug isn’t alone in this; plenty of Silicon Valley trust fund kids are buying into this crap, too. They call it “biohacking”, because outside of their incredibly narrow skillset, they’re fucking stupid.
But what is this “Raw Water” garbage? Well, thankfully, Live Water’s site tells us! And I’ll give my running commentary throughout, just ’cause.
Live Water
Fresh Spring Water Sourced From Opal Spring In Madras Oregon
At the spring head fire agates and 108,000 gallons of water per minute levitate out of a lava tube.
I guess that’s technically recognizable as English, but boy is it mangled. And I wouldn’t use the word levitate to describe water leaving a lava tube. Also, what the fuck do fire agates have to do with water purifica- ohhhh. Bullshit.
It’s been in constant offering at that exact same flow rate, since it was first measured in 1925 until now. The water is from a time when earth was pristine, and is estimated to have matured below the surface for up to 10,000 years before surfacing.
Fun fact about all the water on Earth: it’s all from a time where the Earth was “pristine”. Granted, they’re talking about their isolated special source, but they’re trying to bullshit you with that talk.
Imagine its journey as it’s flowing through vast networks of crystal lined lava tubes to the surface.
No thanks. Also, congrats on Forrest Gump-ing your way to using the proper variations of its/it’s in the right place.
Major science has concluded that their is a body of water with a larger volume than all our oceans combined in the core of the earth. This is the earth’s way of cleansing water, and offering it back to us with a fresh new start. Time Magazine Article
Grain of truth layered in crap. Nice job.
Sodium, potassium, magnesium and calcium are the four primary electrolytes that maintain the body’s fluid balance. LIVE WATER is abundant in each. Their is even trace amounts of lithium and copper. Our naturally alkaline water is ideal for every day use at a ph of 8. Our Probiotic Report shows four raw water exclusive probiotics that aren’t found in any other food source.
Lithium, huh? I can’t wait to both cure and cause my dementia!
The Extensive Water Analysis shows super high levels of natural silica. Silica is essentially pure liquid crystals. Silicone holds information and energy in a unique way, thats why all our devices run off of them, hence the name silicone valley.
First, silicon and silicone aren’t the same thing, you stupid hippy. Second, silicon holds energy (as a semiconductor); that’s how it stores information (based on my lazy googling). Third, it’s Silicon Valley, you moron.
Imagine how it would feel to upgrade your brain’s entire operating system to the best computer chips available. Silica is also known as the beauty mineral, very rarely found in any food or supplements.
Sounds like your brain is in need of some upgrading to me, pal. By the way, I’m skipping the short list of unsubstantiated claims about the benefits of silica in water.
We transport our water in triple washed lead free 2.5 gallon glass jugs. Since our water is alive and abundant with healthy microflora, it is imperative that we keep it from reaching sweltering conditions.
Translation: Our water is full of shit that technically makes it non-potable.
Unlike sterile water, our water will turn green if exposed to excessive heat and sun light.
To guarantee unparalleled freshness, we keep our water chilled in our storage facilities and vehicles till final delivery. We recommend storing Live Water away from direct sun light, and in a cool location. Our water is delivered within 2 weeks of collection, and will stay absolutely fresh for one complete lunar cycle after delivery.
Your water has a short, hard shelf life, so that people need to keep buying it whether they consume all of it or not. Maybe you’re not as dumb as you look. Nope, I take that back. You measure freshness by lunar cycles.
In it’s natural cycle water is infinitely chemically and energetically complex. Water goes down into the soil and becomes the perfect probiotic as it passes through microbes and micro-organisms in the humus. It picks up bio-available mono atomic elements and minerals that just can’t be replicated. We have done our best to keep it pristine. Read on to find out what distinguishes our water from every other source available.
I’m pretty sure they sprinkled in a bunch of words they don’t actually understand, here. Also, it’s still H²O with a bunch of crap thrown in, it’s not “chemically complex”, the planet is mostly covered in it.
*These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. Our services are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.
Why, I’m shocked. Shocked! To find that the FDA doesn’t support every absolutely factual claim you’ve made.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BAoPrXqvG0Q/
Oh, boy, I can’t wait to read the headlines. “Juicero Founder Doug Evans Dies by Shitting Himself to Death in the Woods”. Subheading: “He learned nothing from playing Oregon Trail“.
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