America’s Next Top Model is throwing in everything but the kitchen sink in “Finale Part 1: The Girl Who Made a Splash”. Photo shoots, final runway, and poster board presentations abounds this week.
Samir: TyTyTip-let us harass your respectable mother to get ahead in modeling. “That’s what’s gonna take you to the next level.” How sad that her advice to Mamé is to “let go,” right as Mikey approaches. Despite TyTy’s tie with Lacey and Mikey, Mikey’s talk about his hard-working mother has more of the loser edit vibe than Nyle’s mama talk.
Margaux: It’s final four, boo. Everybody be crying about their respective family issues, the editing team is throwing it all in there to try and throw off us.
Samir: Except for Lacey apparently. I wonder what that means…
Margaux: Lacey is trying make her parents divorce and her weight gain in high school a ‘thing’, but it sounds really forced, I can a producer in the background scrambling to make it poignant. I’m almost certain I get more of a loser edit feeling from Mamé. How many times are we going to trot out this diplomat’s daughter sob story? Mikey trying to convince us that those tears last week were real isn’t working either. I can’t believe it’s come down to Mamé and Mikey vs Lacey and Nyle.
Samir: It sounds like Lacey was coached to break down the divide between the two guy-girl groups left as Mikey moves on to the only other girl left that hasn’t completely brushed him off. Too bad Mamé, I don’t know that Justin WON’T find out about whatever it is you’re doing allowing Mikey in the same room with you, since it’s all on TV. If I was your Mama I’d be worried as well.
Margaux: Mamé confirms an surprising make out with Mikey in the cabin during their night shoot, and now she’s worried Devin, who was making out with his bottle of wine that night, will tell Justin because the modeltestants are finally allowed to reference the previous season’s penchant for bringing back ALL the models for the final runway show. Not sure what spurred on Mamé to let Mikey that close to her face, but I just hope she doesn’t have mouth herpes.
Thankfully, we hit the ground running in this episode because before we know it, we’re off to their Nylon prize photoshoot where tacky clothes and creepy dudes reign supreme, they’re trying to trick into thinking Mikey will win this by default. Good thing they did away with scoring for the two part finale.
Samir: I’m not sure the advice for Nyle to distance from his interpreter is actually good, but clearly the show wants us to think so. So this photographer thinks not being able to communicate with the people he’s directing is a recipe for success in what world? And what prostitutes is Yu Tsai going to that he thinks Lacey looks like one? Does he hire them “just to talk?” Mamé’s photos are pretty bad, but they’re raving about her, so I’m not buying anything Cobra Snake is trying to convince us of here.
Margaux: The Cobra Snake is hardly a photographer, who the hell gives talent direction by saying, “I thought you were a good Christian girl?”. Cobra Snake sounds like he’s late to his second job as a porn director. Cobra Snake shooting this Nylon spread only completes the circle of sleaziness on this shoot, they’re supposed to be 20 year old teens breaking into a school for a swim? Could these clothes be any uglier and the concept any lamer? How is Nylon still a magazine?
Samir: Well since twenty year olds are no longer teens that might be the first most obvious sign this is all bullshit.
Margaux: They’re dressed like vision board for the bootleg version of Dawson’s Creek, you never went to highschool with anyone who looked like them.
Samir: How is this appropriate for Nylon exactly? Mikey should have been a natural for this sleazetastic circle of hell the models are in, but now they’re supposed to impress their “major client” at a rundown motel? Because Norman Bates’ motel just screams Zappo’s? Well actually…
Margaux: It’s Zappos couture so it actually feels very on brand for them, rundown murder hotel chic! And the crazy eyed woman from the modeltestants “Vegas business trip” is here to help? Melissa from Zappos and her assistant Kevin basically describe what they want from the models with every buzzword you can think of short of “synergy”.
Samir: Kevin looks like Rob Lowe’s plastic surgeon from “Behind the Candelabra.” And yes Lacey, they probably did read your journal, how else will they know how to exploit you?
Margaux: Lately, everything Lacey says sound even more scripted than usual, maybe they’ve finally successfully brainwashed her. Trust Mr. Tyra to give you vague hand gestures as direction and hold your breath if you want the picture to be in focus, seriously, Mr. Tyra will never work again when this show ends.
Samir: Maybe Tyra will have a calendar out that she needs him for next year. I’m not sure how anyone describes Mamé as “whimsical.” And just as vague is the “story” they’re supposed to be telling. “You love the clothes” is the story? Shit, I tell that story every morning when I get dressed, can I be a model too?
Margaux: I think Melissa from Zappos and Kevin are there just there to stare at Nyle and Mikey because Yu Tsai tells Mikey to eye fuck Melissa for his first set of photos when Mikey is “overthinking” his cool. Wait, what? Overthinking and cool are not words I associate with Mikey.
Samir: Who knew overthinking is something Mikey had to worry about? And the sleaze keeps rolling, this is all so creepy, even she seems to be eye-fucking back. Is there a girl on top eye-fucking position, because Melissa just climbed up on Mikey.
Margaux: There’s a shot of Melissa literally licking her lips at Mikey. Regardless of whether that was an edit together of b-roll footage or something that truly happened in the moment, GROSS. But Mikey did say he liked women of the cougar variety, he can sleep his way right to the middle-bottom of modeling for Zappos couture.
Samir: My GOD everyone is throwing mad shade at the other modeltestants. Are we on Drag Race? At least something fills that void. Yu Tsai literally jumps for joy when the shoot is over-he seems as excited to be done with this as much as the CW is.
Margaux: Right? I’m sure he’s happy that the fashion industry might take him seriously again. At the very least, he’s probably happy to have his voice back.
It’s time to bust out the glitter glue! No rest for the final four, after they wrap the Zappos shoot, it’s time for the modeltestants to put together their business plan presentation for Smize Co. CEO TyTy Banks. From what we’ve heard from Mikey, Lacey, and Mamé, this is going to be messy. Lacey is using her diary as a base, Mamé wants to be a model slash humanitarian, and Mikey will continue his rags to riches story – thanks a bunch to the producer who fed him that, now he’s never gonna shut up about it.
Samir: So are we officially conflating being a fierce-a-preneur with “riches?” Now we know why we got the Lady Gaga vibes-because the “art as fashion” they will be wearing in final runway is from one of her designers. But what exactly is “classical inspired” music? And why are we at the Disney concert hall? Because the curves inspired a curvy runway, Unless you’re making all the models walk on stilts to navigate these curves, I’m not interested. And damn you Devin SPILL THE T!!! We got all this build-up to NOT get drama? BOO-URNS!
Margaux: “It’s not my place to say anything, but here’s what happened”, didn’t know Devin was such a shady bitch – I kind of loooove it, makes me wish he was still around. But we’re getting drama lite between Mamé and Justin, they’re too reserved to get into on camera. But Justin can’t help himself and totally burns Mamé and Mikey by basically calling Mikey the Top Model bicycle, and says that he wouldn’t be so disappointed (not mad, disappointed) if Mamé had hooked up with “literally anybody else”. Seriously girl, what were you thinking? Don’t blame that damn cabin. Unless it was a haunted and a ghost made you, actually, she should just say that.
Samir: To be fair, it seems all the girls really chose to walk rather than take a ride on that rusty two-wheeler. Ooh, flashback to Tyra’s horrible bangs in Cycle 21 when they bring out last cycles winner, Keith Carlos, yikes.
This gold flaking on the model’s faces looks more like the crusty remnants of a golden shower from an unseen challenge we were spared from watching before the runway. Did Tyra put in a fake nose-piercing for this final walk?
Margaux: Oy and the weaves they gave Nyle and Dustin? You just gotta get one last Ty-Over dig in, huh, Tyra? Note that none of the models are Team Mikey, and rightly so.
Samir: Well they’ve been on the outside of the Stockholm Syndrome, so maybe they’ve been successfully deprogrammed. And surprise the mothers are back! Probably because Tyra’s minions couldn’t book a hotel for less than 24 hours or get an affordable flight to send them home, and are waiting for next Tuesday, so they’re all still in town
Margaux: Moms are here! Tyra demands you present your presentation! One guy and one girl are about to get cut…in front of their Mom! Before the final runway! All in time to end “The Girl Who Made a Splash” on a ‘cliffhanger’, finales are always dragged out.
Wanna talk stars?
Samir: Since they’re saving the delicious schadenfreude for next week, 9th circle of Hell here we come! I’ll save my higher star count for then. Let’s go 4 again, to honor how many people are still fucking here.
Do yourself a favor and check out our Top Model podcast, We Were Rooting For You! before it’s too late.
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