Let’s see, what’s the best way to sum up Gotham‘s season finale? Oh, here we go: this was a stupid episode and I hated every second of it. Gotham was uneven from the get-go, but during its run it produced good-to-great episodes like “Everyone Has a Cobblepot” and the deliriously entertaining “Red Hood.” Unfortunately, “All Happy Families Are Alike” hews more towards the show’s weaknesses, and I personally blame showrunner Bruno Heller, who wrote the episode. Heller’s tin ear for dialogue remains intact, and certain parts of “Happy Families” were so poorly written it was actually hard to watch. It was like a play based on really bad fan fiction. Here are a couple things people actually said:
“Hope? It’s for losers.”
“You’re the least worst option.”
“Gotham needs a lawman now, not a criminal like me. A strong lawman.”
Before we delve further into this shitshow, I want to say: there is nothing stupider on TV right now than Oswald Cobblepot’s limp. With his Hot Topic bangs and Ren Faire getup, Cobblepot always looks like he’s going to a fancy AFI concert, and since his response to everything is “temper tantrum,” it’s impossible to take him seriously. And this is a guy who has murdered several people. Anyway, Cobblepot goes to kill Falcone in the hospital, but is stopped by Jim. Soon Maroni’s goons show up to do Falcone in, and Jim is forced to shoot his way out. Director Danny Cannon handles action well, which is good because most of “Happy Families” is action (the rest is cringe-inducing dialogue). Jim escapes with Falcone, Bullock, Cobblepot, and Butch in tow, and they make for one of Falcone’s safe houses. They’re stopped at the warehouse by Fish, who I am really glad we won’t be seeing in season two.
Anything that was once enjoyable about Jada Pinkett Smith’s performance has gone out the fucking window. My theory is that once she decided not to return to Gotham she just started behaving like a high school senior in the last two weeks of school. Completely checked out. When Fish returns, she has a Mohawk and several studs in her head, and no one says anything about the fact that she went from businesswoman to Borderlands reject in a matter of days. This is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen:
Oh wait, I forgot about this:
Yep, Selina Kyle, the most unlikable kid on television, has joined Fish’s crew for unknown reasons (seriously, I liked the kid in The Babadook more than I do Selina). “I know we’ve got a lot of heavy hitters, but you know what we really need? An 11-year-old with a shotgun!” Also, at one point Selina nuzzles Fish like A FUCKING CAT GET IT??? I hate this episode so much.
I’m glossing over a lot of these details. Fish is all set to hand over Falcone and Cobblepot to Maroni, but kills him when she decides she doesn’t like how he’s talking to her. Which is fair, because he’s acting like a condescending MRA dick. “‘Babes’ is a term of endearment, it means I like you!” Ugh, get out of here, Maroni. Needless to say, we’ve never gotten a hint of this kind of behavior from him in the past. Bruno Heller is a terrible writer.
Cobblepot ends up killing Fish, which is fine. I don’t care. He then gets up on a ledge and triumphantly howls “I’m the king of Gotham!” over and over, because we couldn’t figure that out for ourselves. The Penguin was always one of Batman’s lamer villains – he likes birds! Better watch out, caped crusader! – so the prospect of him becoming an even bigger presence in season two is groan-inducing.
Oh, and it turns out Barbara, not the Don Juan Killer, killed her parents. That’s the one part about “Happy Families” I liked, because it actually surprised me (Erin Richards’ ham-fisted delivery notwithstanding). Barbara tries to kill Lee, but Lee fights her off just in time for Jim to show up. Falcone gives Jim a knife. Bruce and Alfred find a secret passage in Thomas Wayne’s study. The episode, and this season, mercifully ends.
Gotham was a frustrating show because for every “Red Hood” or “Spirit of the Goat” we got five or six episodes like “All Happy Families Are Alike.” I think binge-watching this show would give you serious whiplash, but if Bruno Heller remains at the helm, I don’t think I’ll ever be watching this again. There’s potential here, but some serious shakeups are necessary to get this show to the level of quality that it’s shown us it can attain.
“All Happy Families Are Alike” score: 1.5/5 stars
Gotham season one score: 2.5/5 stars
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