“Hello, my darklings.”
It’s hard to know where to start when discussing Verotika. This film is so astoundingly bad, so astonishingly inept in every single direction, so unintentionally hilarious, that I’m tempted to just include directions on how to rent it. Directed by former Misfits frontman Glenn Danzig, Verotika has all the hallmarks of a misguided passion project. It’s meant as a tribute to horror anthologies like Black Sabbath or Trilogy of Terror or Creepshow, the main difference being that Creepshow has a sense of humor, and Verotika takes itself very, very seriously. I like the Misfits. “Hybrid Moments” and “Where Eagles Dare” are awesome songs. But Verotika makes me view the band, and Danzig, in a different light. Turns out, the whole time he was lyrically adapting drive-in monster movies, he was the only one not in on the joke.
Okay, let’s dive in to this claptrap, but you seriously need to see Verotika to believe this. I can’t recommend this hot garbage highly enough. The film is segmented into thirds, with interstitials presided over by an Elvira-type character named Morella, played by adult actress Kayden Kross. Again, comparisons to more successful horror media are inevitable, but Verotika fails at emulating Elvira too. Kross plays Morella with such seriousness that she veers into monotone, and she never leaves. She gets in one groan-inducing pun (“The eyes have it”), but most of her transitions amount to her saying “Now here’s this.” I’m paraphrasing, but not much.
The first segment, “The Albino Spider of Dajette,” is the perfect entryway into this lunacy. Dajette (Ashley Wisdom) has a peculiar condition: she has eyes where her nipples should be. Weird, right? Even weirder is that this doesn’t come up again. Why include it at all? Danzig, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? The meat of the story comes after Dajette (interesting name, I’ll say that much) cries onto a CGI spider, which then turns into a large albino man who stalks the streets of Paris, killing seemingly at random. Oh, and everyone here has horrible French accents, despite the fact that nothing about this story needs to take place in France. The spider, beyond being incredibly stupid, is also inconsistent. He kills people who are mean to Dajette, but then wants to kill her too? I guarantee I’m thinking about this more than Danzig ever did.
The middle installment “Change of Face,” which is another terrible pun, but at least it tells you exactly what it will be about. I promise, you can hit the general beats of this without having to sit through it – but again, please watch Verotika. “Change of Face” follows Mystery Girl, who not only kills people, but also steals their faces. She’s also a stripper – I think. She comes out in a mask, wearing pasties and a cape, and gyrates for about thirty seconds, all to the approval of the club’s four or five patrons. Danzig, you couldn’t even get extras? This is just said now; maybe Mystery Girl works the 4:00 PM Tuesday slot. There’s…not much more to say about “Change of Face.” She collects faces (including Courtney Stodden’s, and if you thought being a child bride would imbue you with talent, think again), and mounts them on her wall. Just nails ’em up there. That’s it. If this paragraph seems anticlimactic, well, just wait until you get a load of “Change of Face.”
“Drukiija Contessa of Blood” is far and away the film’s worst segment, which is saying a lot. It’s a reimagining of the story of Elizabeth Bathory, and the stories about her bathing in virgins’ blood to stay young. Drukija is played by Alice Haig, who, despite her admittedly expressive eyes, can’t do anything to elevate the material. She, and the entire film, is hindered by how damn cheap everything looks. Drukija wears what I think is supposed to be a chainmail hood and a spiked crown, but she ends up looking like some strange hybrid of the Statue of Liberty and Rita Repulsa. Danzig aims for the lurid spectacle of Dario Argento or Lucio Fulci, and falls flat on his face doing so.
I’ve been writing for a long time. I have a Master’s degree in writing. And I am failing to come up with any more adjectives to describe just how stupid this movie is. Verotika should be mentioned in the same breath as The Room or Birdemic. When this pandemic is over, expect midnight showings of this – and please, please make time to go to one. You will laugh, you will cringe, you will be amazed at the sheer incompetence on display. Every single second, every frame, of this movie fails in every conceivable way and direction. You really should watch Verotika, not in spite of everything that’s wrong with it, but because of that.
Thursday, 10/1: Phantasm
Friday, 10/2: Frozen
Saturday, 10/3: Suspiria
Sunday, 10/4: Suspiria (2018)
Monday, 10/5: Emelie
Tuesday, 10/6: Castle Freak
Wednesday, 10/7: Session 9
Thursday, 10/8: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
Friday, 10/9: We Are Still Here
Saturday, 10/10: The Changeling
Sunday, 10/11: The Bad Seed
Monday, 10/12: Verotika
Tuesday, 10/13: The Legend of Hell House
Wednesday, 10/14: Lake Mungo
Thursday, 10/15: Puppetmaster
Friday, 10/16: Marrowbone
Saturday, 10/17: A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master
Sunday, 10/18: Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers
Monday, 10/19: Sweetheart
Tuesday, 10/20: Girl On the Third Floor
Wednesday, 10/21: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
Thursday, 10/22: Triangle
Friday, 10/23: Dog Soldiers
Saturday, 10/24: Noroi: The Curse
Sunday, 10/25: Train to Busan
Monday, 10/26: Tales From the Hood
Tuesday, 10/27: Mandy
Wednesday, 10/28: Sometimes They Come Back
Thursday, 10/29: Veronica
Friday, 10/30: The Wicker Man
Saturday, 10/31: Child’s Play
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