“We put the dead to rest.”

I am absolutely baffled by the longevity of the Puppetmaster franchise. There have been 12 of these since the first one came out in 1989 – the most recent one came out a mere two years ago! And from all reports there is some genuine artistry behind it; it stars Udo Kier and Barbara Crampton, and was written by S. Craig Zahler, director of the fantastic Bone Tomahawk. There are more movies in the Puppetmaster franchise than there are Hellraiser movies, or even Star Wars movies, and the vast majority of them have gone straight to home release. People care about this franchise, clearly, none more so than Charles Band, who over the years has worn the hats of producer, writer, and director. I just don’t get it. Puppetmaster isn’t nearly as bad as Hellraiser or Friday the 13th, but it’s nowhere near as interesting as an actual train wreck like Verotika. It’s mostly just dull.

It’s easy to wonder if you started Puppetmaster several minutes in, especially with the fragment of narration that plays right away (this narration never returns). We see Andre Toulon, the titular puppetmaster, securing his puppets in a trunk and hiding them behind the wall of his hotel. Mysterious men in black, speaking German, are on their way to kill him. This is never really explained, but it doesn’t have to be; he kills himself before they can get to his room. Later films would retcon Toulon to be an ex-Nazi war criminal, which right away screws with this timeline, and makes you wonder why the Germans are there to kill him at all. And are we supposed to sympathize with him? Again, it doesn’t matter.

Here is where the movie gets truly schizophrenic. We jump from one location to another quickly enough to give you whiplash, and the by-product of this is that it makes the four main characters seem as though they all reside in the same state, which they don’t. We meet Dana, a fortune teller at a carnival (her intro scene is fun because it has Barbara Crampton in it); Alex, a professor at Yale; and Frank and Carissa, researchers somewhere. It’s never specified. They’re all psychics of one kind or another. I have to give the script some credit here, because they’re all different kinds of psychics, which helps to differentiate the characters from each other. The four of them are summoned by an image, and all meet at the Bodega Bay Inn, the same place Toulon killed himself, ostensibly to meet their old cohort Neil. But Neil is dead, which is where the movie really starts.

At times Puppetmaster is truly hard to watch, due to the performances. This is unmistakably a direct-to-video release, and the cast rises below that level. Everyone here is either a complete jackass or a total cipher. I don’t need my characters to be likable, especially in horror, but I need the film to be aware of that. Puppetmaster has no idea. I don’t mind when a character makes me angry, or uncomfortable, because that means the film is having an effect on me. The characters here are just so damn annoying, and when they’re not being annoying, they are so, so bland.

Take the character of Alex, played by Paul Le Mat. If you had to describe this character without mentioning his race, gender, or occupation, it would be impossible. The only adjective I can come up with to describe Alex is “Alex.” Oh wait, here’s another one: “Discount Oliver Platt.” Le Mat gets to shoulder way more of the movie than he should, and even more egregiously is presented as something of a romantic lead.

So that’s one end of the spectrum. On the other end is Dana, played by Irene Miracle. Miracle clearly thinks she is the star of Puppetmaster, and she goes big with her performance. Hammy doesn’t even come close to describing it. The character, as written, is already a nightmare, needlessly cruel and occasionally crass in a way that is probably meant to be alluring, but just comes off as bullying. And I’m not sure who told Miracle – who is French-Canadian – that Dana should have a sick Southern accent, but they definitely made the film worse by doing so. Miracle doesn’t sound like Foghorn Leghorn; no, she sounds like Kate Burton’s wretched voice in Scandal; or even better, like exactly what you would expect from a high school sophomore playing Blanche Du Bois.

I’m not here to just to rag on everyone’s performance, but my god Puppetmaster doesn’t make it easy to avoid. I don’t mind if a so-called horror film is light on scares; if there’s enough atmosphere, conflict, or characterization I’m just fine with it. The Changeling, for instance, is terrific, and is also not even close to one of the scariest movies I’ve watched for this column.

I’ll say this, though: the puppets aren’t bad. Sometimes, in the case of Pinhead, who has a tiny head but huge fists, the stop-motion doesn’t do the film any favors. Other times, though, the puppetry is downright terrific, and left me genuinely wondering how it was accomplished. If you were a puppeteer on this film, put that at the top of your resume. You should be proud. No one else should, however, especially producer Charles Band, who spent $400,000 on a knock-off of Child’s Play and Dolls, the latter of which is a film that Band produced.

So, I guess Puppetmaster bothered me more than I hinted at in the opening paragraph. I’m not mad that it’s bad, mostly because I didn’t really expect it to be good. I’m mad that it’s dull, that I spend 90 minutes of my time watching a movie that doesn’t respect it. If this is your favorite movie, or favorite franchise, that’s fine. It won’t make me lose respect for you the way I would if you said the same about Hellraiser or Friday the 13th. I just don’t get it.

Thursday, 10/1: Phantasm

Friday, 10/2: Frozen

Saturday, 10/3: Suspiria

Sunday, 10/4: Suspiria (2018)

Monday, 10/5: Emelie

Tuesday, 10/6: Castle Freak

Wednesday, 10/7: Session 9

Thursday, 10/8: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

Friday, 10/9: We Are Still Here

Saturday, 10/10: The Changeling

Sunday, 10/11: The Bad Seed

Monday, 10/12: Verotika

Tuesday, 10/13: The Legend of Hell House

Wednesday, 10/14: Lake Mungo

Thursday, 10/15: Puppetmaster

Friday, 10/16: Marrowbone

Saturday, 10/17: A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

Sunday, 10/18: Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

Monday, 10/19: Sweetheart

Tuesday, 10/20: Girl On the Third Floor

Wednesday, 10/21: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

Thursday, 10/22: Triangle

Friday, 10/23: Dog Soldiers

Saturday, 10/24: Noroi: The Curse

Sunday, 10/25: Train to Busan

Monday, 10/26: Tales From the Hood

Tuesday, 10/27: Mandy

Wednesday, 10/28: Sometimes They Come Back

Thursday, 10/29: Veronica

Friday, 10/30: The Wicker Man

Saturday, 10/31: Child’s Play

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