“Houses have personalities just like people, and some are rotten.”
“Good bones” is a phrase you’ve probably heard. When a house has a solid foundation but needs some work, you say it’s got good bones. The same is true of Girl on the Third Floor. The setup is your classic Gothic (by way of Fatal Attraction and a little bit of mother!, which explains why it’s so unfocused at times). The atmosphere is there, although the film is light on scares. The thing about Gothic horror, though, is that it doesn’t need a ton of scares to still be considered horror. Unfortunately, the greatest problem with Girl on the Third Floor is its cast.
Don Koch (Phil Brooks, who used to wrestle under the name CM Punk) has a lot of problems. He left his job in disgrace (there’s a reference to him getting a sweet deal from the federal government), he has a kid on the way, and he’s trying to rebuild his relationship with his wife after having an affair. He decides to rebuild his relationship by rebuilding a house, an old Victorian manor in rural Illinois, far from the temptations of Chicago.
Here’s the thing: normally, this is where I’d go on and on about the house and how it does or doesn’t conform to Gothic standards (which is what I did when I wrote about The Legend of Hell House and Marrowbone). I won’t do that here, because GOTTF does something truly unique with its house. We don’t see much of its exterior, which helps foster a nicely claustrophobic environment. But what director Travis Stevens does with the house is something special. He treats it like a decaying body, full of ooze, sludge, rotting wood and cracked pipes. The film has its moments of gore, but what sticks with you is the sheer visceral decomposition of the house. It’s not something I can recall having seen before, and it is wildly effective.
That being said, the acting on display is a hurdle for the film. Brooks – who, depending on the angle, looks like Matt Dillon, John Cena, Jonathan Tucker, or Bruce Campbell – is absolutely not equipped to do as much heavy lifting as the first third of this film requires of him. For the majority of the film, up until his climactic scene, he’s flat and wooden. He’s okay when he’s acting opposite other people, but when he’s, say, talking to himself or his dog, his performance is akin to something you might see in porn. Trieste Kelly Dunn fares a little better as Don’s wife, Liz, and really shines in the final act of the film. Sarah Brooks is fine, I suppose, but otherwise unremarkable as Sarah, a neighbor who seduces Don and becomes infatuated with him. Karen Woditsch, however, shines as Don’s neighbor Ellie, a no-nonsense Protestant preacher who will show up with a smile and a bottle, but won’t cross the threshold, a detail made effective by the fact that it’s never pointed out.
The plot with Sarah is rapidly introduced and quickly becomes the focal point of the film. Don explains that their sleeping together was a mistake and he can’t do it again; she responds how all women respond in these kinds of horror movies. Here it’s a little more gruesome (dead dog in the dryer, dead friend walled up behind the drywall), but it’s still predictable. Romantically and physically, there’s no much chemistry between the two Brookses, but when their relationship turns adversarial, both actors find something interesting to work with.
For much of Girl on the Third Floor, I found myself grasping for something to keep me hooked in the story. That comes in the third act, where the movie lets itself get truly bizarre and surreal. That this portion of the film is anchored by Dunn and not Brooks (holy crap, this film literally stars Brooks & Dunn) helps enormously. (To be fair to Brooks, though, his final scene in which he drops any facade of toughness or fearlessness is by far his best work in the movie.) It’s a kind of funhouse crazy that is divorced from the Gothic trappings of what we’ve seen so far. There’s also a terrifying monster, one of my favorite designs in recent memory: a mangled girl who’s part rope, part glass, part teeth. It defies comprehension, and GOTTF is smart not to use its best visual too often.
Good bones only gets you so far. I’ve seen a ton of horror movies with a solid idea, undone by subpar performances or filmmaking (this one is a victim of both; it really has no idea how video screens on cell phones work). There’s a lot to admire here – the cinematography by Scott Thiele; the sludgy, apocalyptic score by Steve Albini, Alison Chesley, and Tim Midyett; and the terrific practical effects Dan Martin. But it’s not enough to overcome the blandness of the lead actor, or the slapped-together feel of the script. That monster, though – that will stick with me.
Thursday, 10/1: Phantasm
Friday, 10/2: Frozen
Saturday, 10/3: Suspiria
Sunday, 10/4: Suspiria (2018)
Monday, 10/5: Emelie
Tuesday, 10/6: Castle Freak
Wednesday, 10/7: Session 9
Thursday, 10/8: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
Friday, 10/9: We Are Still Here
Saturday, 10/10: The Changeling
Sunday, 10/11: The Bad Seed
Monday, 10/12: Verotika
Tuesday, 10/13: The Legend of Hell House
Wednesday, 10/14: Lake Mungo
Thursday, 10/15: Puppetmaster
Friday, 10/16: Marrowbone
Saturday, 10/17: A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master
Sunday, 10/18: Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers
Monday, 10/19: Sweetheart
Tuesday, 10/20: Girl On the Third Floor
Wednesday, 10/21: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
Thursday, 10/22: Triangle
Friday, 10/23: Dog Soldiers
Saturday, 10/24: Noroi: The Curse
Sunday, 10/25: Train to Busan
Monday, 10/26: Tales From the Hood
Tuesday, 10/27: Mandy
Wednesday, 10/28: Sometimes They Come Back
Thursday, 10/29: Veronica
Friday, 10/30: The Wicker Man
Saturday, 10/31: Child’s Play
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