The Emmys are an award ceremony that, to me, loses validity every year. How many times can you reward Jim Parsons, Modern Family, and The Amazing Race? That said, occasionally they get things right – Louis C.K., for instance, has won a few – so let’s see how it turned out with this years Emmy nominees.

Outstanding Drama

Breaking Bad

Downton Abbey

Game of Thrones

House of Cards

Mad Men

True Detective

Damn, that’s a hell of a category. Although I don’t see where the drama could come from on Downton Abbey. “Oh no, I dropped the Governor’s scone! How gauche!”

Outstanding Comedy

The Big Bang Theory

Louie

Modern Family

Orange is the New Black

Silicon Valley

Veep

Well, I don’t consider OITNB a comedy, and I consider Big Bang Theory to be a hate crime against laughs, but it’s nice to see Louie recognized for one of its strongest seasons ever.

Outstanding Actor in a Drama

Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom

Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Woody Harrelson, True Detective

Matthew McConaughey, True Detective

Kevin Spacey, House of Cards

Another great category. McConaughey is the clear favorite, but it’ll be hard not to root for Cranston’s swan song as Walter White.

Outstanding Actress in a Drama

Lizzy Caplan, Masters of Sex

Kerry Washington, Scandal

Michelle Dockery, Downton Abbey

Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife

Claire Danes, Homeland

Robin Wright, House of Cards

Tough call – do you give it to Washington for Best Quivering Lip or to Margulies for Best Resting Bitchface?

Outstanding Actor in a Comedy

Louis C.K., Louie

Don Cheadle, House of Lies

Ricky Gervais, Derek

Matt LeBlanc, Episodes

William H. Macy, Shameless

Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

People still watch House of Lies? Alternate joke: Jim Parsons is nearing forty and is on a show that requires him to say “Bazinga.” That is all.

Outstanding Actress in a Comedy

Lena Dunham, Girls

Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly

Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

Taylor Schilling, Orange is the New Black

Ooh, Edie Falco pops pills on Nurse Jackie, it’s so edgy!

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama

Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones

Josh Charles, The Good Wife

Mandy Patinkin, Homeland

Jon Voight, Ray Donovan

Jim Carter, Downton Abbey

Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad

Dinklage probably has this sealed up ever since his mic-drop speech in “The Laws of Gods and Men,” but it’d be understandable if the Academy wants to say a proper goodbye to Jesse Pinkman.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama

Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey

Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey

Lena Headey, Game of Thrones

Christine Baranski, The Good Wife

Christina Hendricks, Mad Men

Nice to see Lena Headey finally getting some love. That’s the good kind of bitchface – take notes, Julianna Margulies.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy

Andre Braugher, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Adam Driver, Girls

Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family

Ty Burrell, Modern Family

Fred Armisen, Portlandia

Tony Hale, Veep

I hope someone mentions that Adam Driver was a Marine. It’s been almost twenty-four hours since someone wrote about that!

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy

Mayim Bialik, The Big Bang Theory

Julie Bowen, Modern Family

Allison Janney, Mom

Kate Mulgrew, Orange is the New Black

Kate McKinnon, Saturday Night Live

Anna Chlumsky, Veep

God, it would be so nice to see McKinnon take this home. But if they didn’t give it to Kristen Wiig, they ain’t gonna give it to McKinnon.

Outstanding Guest Actor in a Drama

Paul Giamatti, Downton Abbey

Reg E. Cathey, House of Cards

Robert Morse, Mad Men

Beau Bridges, Masters of Sex

Joe Morton, Scandal

Dylan Baker, The Good Wife

I’m only okay with Giamatti getting this if it turns out he was guest starring on Downton Abbey as the Rhino.

Outstading Guest Actress in a Drama

Diana Rigg, Game of Thrones

Kate Mara, House of Cards

Allison Janney, Masters of Sex

Kate Burton, Scandal

Margo Martindale, The Americans

Jane Fonda, The Newsroom

If this goes to Kate Burton and her Foghorn Leghorn accent on Scandal, I will punch a hole through my TV.

Outstanding Writing in a Drama

Breaking Bad, “Ozymandius”

Breaking Bad, “Felina”

Game of Thrones, “The Children”

House of Cards, “Chapter 14”

True Detective, “The Secret Fate of All Life”

Yeah, I see this going to “Ozymandius.”

Outstanding Writing for a Comedy

Episodes, “Episode 305”

Louie, “So Did the Fat Lady”

Orange is the New Black, “I Wasn’t Ready”

Silicon Valley, “Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency”

Veep, “Special Relationship”

Well, “So Did the Fat Lady” was one of the best episodes of TV I’ve seen all year, but “Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency” has a hall of fame dick joke.

Outstanding Animated Program

Archer

Bob’s Burgers

Futurama

South Park

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Manhattan Project

Futurama‘s finale was perfect, so I really hope it gets rewarded for it.

Outstanding Reality Show Competition

The Amazing Race

Dancing with the Stars

Project Runway

So You Think You Can Dance

Top Chef

The Voice

I have nothing to say here. Reality shows, and most of the people who watch them, are so, so stupid.

Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series

The Colbert Report

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Real Time with Bill Maher

Saturday Night Live

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Even Fallon has referred to this as “the Jon Stewart award.”

Outstanding TV Miniseries

American Horror Story: Coven

Bonnie & Clyde

Fargo

Luther

Treme

The White Queen

Fucking Fargo.

Outstanding TV Movie

Killing Kennedy

Muhammad Ali’s Greatest Fight

The Normal Heart

Sherlock: His Last Vow

The Trip to Bountiful

Wait, is that Killing Kennedy as in the Bill O’Reilly book? HAHAHAHAHAHA

Outstanding Lead Actor in a TV Miniseries or Movie

Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock: His Last Vow

Idris Elba, Luther

Chiwetel Ejiofor, Dancing on the Edge

Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo

Martin Freeman, Fargo

Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart

To me, this category’s legitimacy is contingent upon Thornton winning.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a TV Miniseries or Movie

Helena Bonham Carter, Burton and Taylor

Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Coven

Minnie Driver, Return to Zero

Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Coven

Cicely Tyson, The Trip to Bountiful

Kristen Wiig, The Spoils of Babylon

I’m honestly surprised whenever Helena Bonham Carter acts in something not directed by fucking Tim Burton.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a TV Miniseseries or Movie

Colin Hanks, Fargo

Jim Parsons, The Normal Heart

Joe Mantello, The Normal Heart

Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart

Alfred Molina, The Normal Heart

Martin Freeman, Sherlock: His Last Vow

Oh, gimme a fucking break. Really? The good performances were so scarce this year that four of them came from the same damn movie? This is what I’m talking about. That said, Matt Bomer was revelatory.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a TV Miniseries or Movie

Frances Conroy, American Horror Story: Coven

Kathy Bates, American Horror Story: Coven

Angela Bassett, American Horror Story: Coven

Alison Tolman, Fargo

Ellen Burstyn, Flowers in the Attic

Julia Roberts, The Normal Heart

Poor Alison Tolman. She gave such a knockout performance, then had the bad luck to be nominated alongside a bunch of Academy darlings who would probably show up on this list even if they were just the caterers.

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