Trevor: I’m glad you recommended an Ernest movie for this column (especially one with the words “Saves Christmas” in the title). I had never seen an Ernest movie, and probably never would have, so I’m glad I did, because now I know: I do not like Ernest movies. I found Ernest Saves Christmas unbearable when it wasn’t boring, overly reliant on celebrity impressions and Jim Varney’s sub-Jim Carrey level of mugging. I really hope this isn’t one of your favorite movies, or I probably look like a dick. How did you like Ernest Saves Christmas?
Margaux: I am not familiar with the Ernest oeuvre; this is the most acting I’ve seen Jim Varney do outside of those Vern commercials. It was the most stereotypical Christmas movie we’ve watched so far, replete with an actual Santa and direct dealings with Christmas (Eve, at least), but other than that, I too found myself drifting off due to boredom when I wasn’t visceral put off by how utterly dated and 80s it all looked. Ernest Saves Christmas is very of its time in a lot of ways, and that’s not a compliment.
Trevor: Seconded. I guess if I had to like anything, I like the fact that the movie never disguises the fact that Santa is Santa – it’s even the name on his ID. There was no twist reveal there. And I liked Douglas Seale’s performance as Santa; it wasn’t revelatory, but there was a baseline of decency there, which is all the role really requires. Seale was definitely the bright spot, though. So much of ESC (if only I could have) is Varney contorting his face from one scene to the next.
Margaux: And Varney’s annoying multitudes of “catchphrases” and “voices” (such as “you know what I mean?”) and that strange John Wayne affectation he deploys with no rhyme or reason. There are entire scenes constructed for the sole purpose of getting Varney to don an unnecessary disguise that he’s definitely not pulling off. The only plotline that I enjoyed was Santa’s quest to pass the Santa sleigh torch to his successor, I found all the politics of it fascinating, but the movie kept making excuses for Varney to act like a dipshit. Look, we’re obviously not Ernest fans and, what a shock, a movie the name Ernest in the title is banking on the fact that this works because you love Ernest.
Trevor: True, and if you don’t think Ernest is the apogee of comedy (which we clearly don’t) a 90-minute movie where he’s in nearly every scene is kind of unbearable. But I have to admit, I kind of liked that he had access to a seemingly endless supply of disguises. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t think it was funny, but I was amused by the fact that the film just glosses over it completely and you wind up thinking “Well, I guess this is just what Ernest does.”
Margaux: Exactly! It’s so resigned to that fact, you can practically hear it sighing.
Trevor: Speaking of things Ernest just does, what was that Vern scene? I know Ernest and Vern are a duo of some kind, but are we Vern? Ernest and his young friend Harmony kept addressing Vern by looking directly into the camera while Ernest remorselessly fucked up his house. It’s such a strange concept to introduce into such a dumb movie. I didn’t expect Funny Games head trips in Ernest Saves Christmas.
Margaux: *pounds fist on desk* WE ARE VERN! WE ARE VERN! WE ARE VERN! Real talk, I have no idea if Vern is even real or a figment of Ernest’s imagination because when we get right down to it, Ernest is a crazy person. And can we just touch upon the fact that a CHILD hopping into a STRANGE MAN’S CAR would only happen in the 80s? If that happened today, there would immediately be an Amber Alert of some kind.
Trevor: Which is something I could look past if Harmony brought anything to the proceedings. Noelle Parker is a black hole of charisma, and has a lot of trouble delivering lines. Everything she says is said with the standard-issue “snotty kid” delivery. She has that maudlin plot with Santa that everyone can see the resolution of, but I don’t care about that. If it was disposed of, this movie would be about 75 minutes long, which would suit me just fine.
Margaux: So, how did Santa land on Joe Carruthers, the host of a children’s show (that takes place possibly in Florida? There was a lot of Florida talk and that picture of the Hollywood sign but with the word Florida instead in the background of the TV executives office) should be the next Santa? Is it because he’s generally in the proximity of kids often, does that make automatically make him a candidate?
Trevor: I think Santa looked into his crystal ball and said “Show me a man so blandly pleasant that he makes Prince Richard from A Christmas Prince look as dangerous as Hunter S. Thompson.” Joe Carruthers is such a pussy he won’t even say “son of a bitch.” And since when are studios champing at the bit to sign a 51 year old kids show host to a multi-picture contract for cheesy horror movies? And good God, he looked so bad when he shaved his beard. I’m not trying to call anyone ugly, because that’s cheap, but let’s just say I’m glad that Santa canonically must have a beard.
Margaux: And the pushy agent trying to sign Joe Carruthers to this insanely made up sounding contract talks like a 1920s gangster. I bet he’s never signed anyone because how can take a person seriously when they speak to you like you’re in prohibition dinner theater? Oh! You know what scene worked for me and was actually funny, and was also a scene without Ernest so that’s probably why…when animal services show up for the reindeer and they’re on the ceiling. It was a very good hands up, back away, not my department moment and frankly, you need it in this widely humorless 90 minutes.
Trevor: That’s true, that was a nice visual. The movie’s one semblance of imagination.
It’s so hard to think of what to say here. If Ernest Saves Christmas were offensive, or crazy, or anything beyond what it is, it would be fun to rip apart. (To be fair, I’ve had fun ripping it apart thus far anyway.) Is there anything else you’d like to touch on, or do you just want to give this some coal?
Margaux: Santa’s transfer of power briefly turns Joe into Doctor Manhattan, and now that OG Santa is no longer, he has to go back to his human name, Seth Applegate. Kind of a let down. My final point: we can agree that Santa creates global warming? When he starts the snow storm that makes that busy business man, who just has close the deal tonight, yes on Christmas Eve, you fool! But he sees the snow and suddenly remembers he has a family and almost hangs up on this one-second-ago-very-important-client. That was a good yuck.
Trevor: You’re right about global warming – thanks a lot, Santa! Ernest Saves Christmas might be one of the few Christmas movies that leaves you liking the holiday less.
Margaux: If Ernest Saves Christmas ended on a freeze frame, we might’ve gotten 80s movie bingo, instead all we got was a fourth-wall break and a whole lot of nonsense in between.
⅘ lumps of coal
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